How do you cope with having to spend time with people you don't like?

Just want to add that it is so important that you surround yourself with people that actually do not like this man, like the family she has distanced herself from and will not permit you talking about him. First of all she is in no right to forbid you that. You're telling the truth. These family members and other people that are strong and maybe been in situations before in their lives or some how got over the information how this all sadly works will not only give you strength but be there for her as well. 

When I was in trouble with the ex I was so young really back then and had no real experience to talk about. BUT my family caught on and they caught on fast. He could manipulate others. We only had a social life with people he so carefully had chosen, people that were weak and that he could manipulate. Anyone who would see through him was not welcomed. 

I got out of the relationship a lot quicker than how it usually goes and I thank God I had a family that were by my side and wanted him as far away from me as possible. They also knew, my sibling remembered the past where as I did not and hadn't been told. 

She is isolating you, she is taking you with her to be his prisoner, you are a prisoner in your own home. He is making the rules. You can't trust her because she actually tells him what you have told her. Does she not realize you want to help her? 

I know of a family where this actually went down: The father was abusive and his wife lost contact with not only her own kids but also his kids. Is that what she wants? 

I have told someone else who chose this, that you know where to find me, you know you're always welcomed, you know I am a call away, day as well as night, but you call me when you have made your decision and stand by it, to leave this man. I did this so she would know I knew and he was not welcomed ever to my doorstep, but if she wanted she was always welcomed. 

Usually it takes about 7 times before it is finally over when an abused woman leaves such a man. It took me 2 times, that was the second time I recognized there was this abusive pattern, and my family did not need to be told anything, they knew. They were ready. 

I know I was lucky to get away when I did and again it was not a long lasting relationship like it usually is. Afterwards I felt ashamed for having been in such a relationship to start with. It took me a long time before I could shape the words to what I had experienced. It was as if I had existed in a fog during the relationship and afterwards and it simply took time before one thing after another was dealt with, in my brain. It can be the same for her. I think in a way the brain tries to protect you and simultaneously the abuser does all these games on you and knows he is taking energy from you and know he is confusing you so it is as if you are functioning on the surface but on the inside you are not yourself. 

Someone else I know have told me after she got out (of a mentally abusive relationship) that she knew now that she had constantly been pushed down and did not have the energy to do more than she did. That she had hope. That she pretended it was something it wasn't. That she felt ashamed to tell us the truth what she was going through and thought that she should say nothing and stand by his side. That sort of sounds like where your mom is at right now, telling you not to tell anyone, but remember this you have your own relationships with the family, don't give that up because of what ever is going on between her and that boyfriend. Try to stay as normal and as strong as you can and do not isolate yourself from the strong people. If she wants to do that for now, that's her choice, but please do not make it yours. I remember when the one I knew that was in the mentally abusive relationship called me, she had lots of other of his friends (that were on his team) but she said the only thought she had was that she had to contact me. He had of course isolated me from her before. I was no favorite as he understood I knew what he was about. I only hugged her and listened to her and we helped her out in her time of need. I did not go "Told you so" and I did not yell at her for not having left sooner. Today she is very happy in a really good relationship with a man who treats her well. 

I feel sorry for you. Your mom has broken your trust and prioritize him before you. Unfortunately, our mom (very strong traits of autism but other mental illness "blurred" that out when we were growing up periods of time) could not see straight and missed important signs with a man who got abusive. When she realized she could not control the situation she took measures to get out of the situation. This relationship scared her for life in a way, I believe. There were good people in her life and bad people and she could not tell them apart. I have autism and I could tell them apart sooner. When I get a bad feeling, even if I can't point it out just what it is, I've learned to listen to it. Know many NT who do not feel that in their gut, but I do with some. Your gut is telling you something here. Some women leave the situation once they realize that the abusive partner is going after their kid, but they are the ones with great mother instinct and have not been loosing enough energy or self esteem yet and do find a way out as well, know they do have a chance to survive. He still has traits to him that give you this bad feeling and I do not believe he has changed one bit. This kind of man will follow his very own "schedule", the honeymoon period, the escalating, built up, the blow up and then I'm so sorry period to it then starting all over again. I would say from what you have told us he is right now at his built up period - and he will blow up again. I am all for giving people second chances but it has to be safe to do so and it has to be realistic. They have to get into programs and what not, they can't do a sloppy job at it and then expect everyone to give him that second chance. I am afraid for your mom but I think she has to get her head straight, wake up, before it is too late. I know my sibling told my mom about the man she later left but at the time she did not listen. This type of man ( can be women too of course) are very manipulative and that makes it harder for someone who is autistic to realize it at first. We do get it in time. I was too young to remember any of it and I suppose protected throughout it. One of the things my mom did was to have people and kids over all the time so they went in and out. Usually they isolate the woman and if you are autistic you may not be that social in the first place and hate that, but she did it. But the abuse happened at night. One time she was awoken in her sleep being beat up, out of nowhere.  I myself have been with a bad man and of course he hid that he was such . I realize this man was actually collecting good people to be around him but unfortunately also naive people and people he could use the most.I'm married not to a man who has had trouble with jealousy (but really anxiety) and being very worried about me when I have not been well (has to then have means to check up on me if I am away) but he has never showed the type of pattern my ex did. He's got a case of traumas as it turns out from when I was ill and says his greatest fear is loosing me. He's into treatment and he has medication for anxiety and we're working it out. This is miles away from the type of situation I was in with the bad ex. I have read more about these type of people and realize when I did that I had forgot a lot of it and when reading about it it just reminded me more of the ex but it was as if my husband did not fit in to it like that. Your mom has been abused and that is very serious. I think however what is the toughest on her is the mental abuse and the manipulation, especially too if she is autistic. I remember thinking I needed validation to each and every bad feeling I had about my ex and I would blame myself for it and I would pretend to be someone else. I would pretend like you do in a way. You do this because you do not feel safe and you know something is wrong. You KNOW something is wrong with this man. Me feeling something is wrong is ENOUGH and I have always been right about that feeling. I have promised myself if I get that bad feeling again about anyone I know I am right. I have had it and I am telling you NT are not experts in this, it takes time, and they question themselves. I think it is our subconscious mind that pick up things that are telling us something is wrong and you do not need hard boil proof to decide you want this person as far away from you as possible. Just trust that feeling. I have never had trouble or that feeling with NT who are not bad, but I have had it with people that are bad. 

I hope your mom wakes up soon. She should not be more loyal to him than to you but I think her boundaries are messed up with and she can't see straight at this point. I am afraid something bad needs to happen again and maybe, just maybe, she gets it then.  

Hoping for the best and hoping you find a solution that works for you and your dog and your mom too of course. 

Just becuse your Mum dosen't get on with the rest of her family, dosesn't mean that they don't get on with you. What about your fathers family, are they still around? If she dosen't get on with her family then how likely is it that they will tell her what you've said to them? If she's told you not to talk to them, does that mean she's afraid of interferance, or of sides being taken? Are there any family members who you get on with?

It's a horrible situation for you, is uni accomodation the only option? Can social services help you to find somewhere for you and your dog? I think you should speak to your counsellor, are they part of the uni or seperate? Can the uni welfrae team help?

Thank you for your advice. There isn't really anyone I can talk to about it - if my mum finds out I have told anyone what happened, I will be in so much trouble. My mum doesn't get on that well with the rest of my family and they don't like her bf so she has explicitly told me not to talk to them about him. I do have a counsellor who I see occasionally and I speak with her about it all. Thank you for all your help. I hope he carries on treating her well, but if anything else happens, I will definitely consider getting some help.

Thank you for your reply! I completely agree with all of this and I have unfortunately already tried it with no luck. When I have spoken to my mum in the past and asked her not to tell him what I said, she has gone and told him everything that I said. And it never makes any difference anyway, nothing changes. I am a young adult so I do have the option to move out, but I have a dog and he couldn't come with me as I would be in uni accommodation, and no one else except me looks after him or gives him any attention, so I have to stay at home for his sake. I'm hoping that when I graduate in a year and a half, I will be able to get a flat which allows pets and take him with me. I guess I've just got to figure out how to cope until then. Thank you for all of your advice!

Thank you for your reply. I think my only option is to give him a single chance as he has so far not done anything else abusive to her. I think I just have to tell myself it's for my mum's sake and not his, because that makes me feel a bit better about it. However, if it happens again I'm not giving him any more chances!

Hi Summer_snow,

To report a crime, serious incident or emergency that is happening now or about to happen:

· Call the police on 999

· People with speech and hearing impediments can use a Relay assist: www.relayuk.bt.com/.../contact-999-using-relay-uk.html · Make a silent 999 call: https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/what-and-how-to-report/how-to-report/how-to-make-a-silent-999-call/

To report a crime that has already happened or is not an emergency.

• Telephone: 101

• Online reporting and further information: https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/

Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) provides support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Open 24 hours per day, every day.

· Telephone: 0808 2000 247 · https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Gina Mod 

I agree with Table.

If you fear his sarcasm and can't relax around him for fear of what he'll say to you or your mum about you, then I'd say this is a very real problem. Is there anyone in your family or a close family friend you can talk to about this, you may find that others share your concern.

It's the easiest thing in the world to say that you're jealous and being awkward, but there are a lot of men who start a relationship with a woman and try to push her children out of the home. I think you should talk to someone official about this, the National Abuse helpline maybe, I don't know what country you're in or what your gender is, but please talk to someone about this.

Take up whittling? 

You could give this bloke and your mum a single chance to come good on their assertion that he has chanegd his behaviour, (that can happen I've seen it and done it myself) and keep making the effort for her sake, but no second chance, that'd be crazytime.

I would talk to my mom  when he is no where near. Tell her that this is the relationship she has chosen for herself. You have not chosen it for you. You do not like this man. You do not like being around this man. She should know to respect that. You should be more important to her than he is. Your bond should be stronger than the one she has with him. You can't force her to give him up, but you have the right and the choice to say you are not interested in having a close relationship with him. I don't know your age but I would be looking for somewhere else to live and let her now that as well. Your home should feel like your home too. I agree with you, he sounds like bad news and from your description I don't think he has changed, he's just waiting to get back to his real self. Please take care