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How do you cope with having to spend time with people you don't like?

Summer_Snow

Hi, hope everyone is doing good.

I'm in a tough situation at the moment. My Mum has this boyfriend who spends a lot of time at our house, and I am forced to spend time with him and do things with him. My mum is forcing me to be around him and 'build a relationship' with him. But I do not like this man. He has emotionally abused my mum, and apparently he has apologised and now changed and not done it for a while, but I can't seem to get over it and forgive what he did to her. This is the biggest reason why I don't like him but I also just don't like how he's so full of himself and always thinks he knows everything, and he has a really annoying sense of humour and is sarcastic ALL the time. How can I make it easier to spend time and be around him, which I have to do? I feel really trapped and I feel like I have no options. Spending time with him is really difficult because I feel like I have to be really careful of what I say in case he takes something the wrong way. I can't be myself and I am constantly having to smile and pretend everything is okay so that he doesn't take it personally and get upset/mad at me or my mum if I don't look constantly happy. I think it's linked to my strong sense of justice in that it feels really unfair that I'm expected to just forgive him for everything and I feel like I shouldn't have build a relationship with him becauase he doesn't deserve it. But my mum insists that he has changed and he isn't abusing her any more. This may be true but I still can't seem to get over it because in my head, if he was a good person or truly cared about her, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Any advice? Thank you in advance!

Parents

  • I would talk to my mom  when he is no where near. Tell her that this is the relationship she has chosen for herself. You have not chosen it for you. You do not like this man. You do not like being around this man. She should know to respect that. You should be more important to her than he is. Your bond should be stronger than the one she has with him. You can't force her to give him up, but you have the right and the choice to say you are not interested in having a close relationship with him. I don't know your age but I would be looking for somewhere else to live and let her now that as well. Your home should feel like your home too. I agree with you, he sounds like bad news and from your description I don't think he has changed, he's just waiting to get back to his real self. Please take care

Reply

  • I would talk to my mom  when he is no where near. Tell her that this is the relationship she has chosen for herself. You have not chosen it for you. You do not like this man. You do not like being around this man. She should know to respect that. You should be more important to her than he is. Your bond should be stronger than the one she has with him. You can't force her to give him up, but you have the right and the choice to say you are not interested in having a close relationship with him. I don't know your age but I would be looking for somewhere else to live and let her now that as well. Your home should feel like your home too. I agree with you, he sounds like bad news and from your description I don't think he has changed, he's just waiting to get back to his real self. Please take care

Children
  • in reply to Table1

    Thank you for your reply! I completely agree with all of this and I have unfortunately already tried it with no luck. When I have spoken to my mum in the past and asked her not to tell him what I said, she has gone and told him everything that I said. And it never makes any difference anyway, nothing changes. I am a young adult so I do have the option to move out, but I have a dog and he couldn't come with me as I would be in uni accommodation, and no one else except me looks after him or gives him any attention, so I have to stay at home for his sake. I'm hoping that when I graduate in a year and a half, I will be able to get a flat which allows pets and take him with me. I guess I've just got to figure out how to cope until then. Thank you for all of your advice!

  • in reply to Table1

    I agree with Table.

    If you fear his sarcasm and can't relax around him for fear of what he'll say to you or your mum about you, then I'd say this is a very real problem. Is there anyone in your family or a close family friend you can talk to about this, you may find that others share your concern.

    It's the easiest thing in the world to say that you're jealous and being awkward, but there are a lot of men who start a relationship with a woman and try to push her children out of the home. I think you should talk to someone official about this, the National Abuse helpline maybe, I don't know what country you're in or what your gender is, but please talk to someone about this.