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How do you cope with having to spend time with people you don't like?

Summer_Snow

Hi, hope everyone is doing good.

I'm in a tough situation at the moment. My Mum has this boyfriend who spends a lot of time at our house, and I am forced to spend time with him and do things with him. My mum is forcing me to be around him and 'build a relationship' with him. But I do not like this man. He has emotionally abused my mum, and apparently he has apologised and now changed and not done it for a while, but I can't seem to get over it and forgive what he did to her. This is the biggest reason why I don't like him but I also just don't like how he's so full of himself and always thinks he knows everything, and he has a really annoying sense of humour and is sarcastic ALL the time. How can I make it easier to spend time and be around him, which I have to do? I feel really trapped and I feel like I have no options. Spending time with him is really difficult because I feel like I have to be really careful of what I say in case he takes something the wrong way. I can't be myself and I am constantly having to smile and pretend everything is okay so that he doesn't take it personally and get upset/mad at me or my mum if I don't look constantly happy. I think it's linked to my strong sense of justice in that it feels really unfair that I'm expected to just forgive him for everything and I feel like I shouldn't have build a relationship with him becauase he doesn't deserve it. But my mum insists that he has changed and he isn't abusing her any more. This may be true but I still can't seem to get over it because in my head, if he was a good person or truly cared about her, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Any advice? Thank you in advance!

Parents

  • I would talk to my mom  when he is no where near. Tell her that this is the relationship she has chosen for herself. You have not chosen it for you. You do not like this man. You do not like being around this man. She should know to respect that. You should be more important to her than he is. Your bond should be stronger than the one she has with him. You can't force her to give him up, but you have the right and the choice to say you are not interested in having a close relationship with him. I don't know your age but I would be looking for somewhere else to live and let her now that as well. Your home should feel like your home too. I agree with you, he sounds like bad news and from your description I don't think he has changed, he's just waiting to get back to his real self. Please take care

  • in reply to Table1

    I agree with Table.

    If you fear his sarcasm and can't relax around him for fear of what he'll say to you or your mum about you, then I'd say this is a very real problem. Is there anyone in your family or a close family friend you can talk to about this, you may find that others share your concern.

    It's the easiest thing in the world to say that you're jealous and being awkward, but there are a lot of men who start a relationship with a woman and try to push her children out of the home. I think you should talk to someone official about this, the National Abuse helpline maybe, I don't know what country you're in or what your gender is, but please talk to someone about this.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you for your advice. There isn't really anyone I can talk to about it - if my mum finds out I have told anyone what happened, I will be in so much trouble. My mum doesn't get on that well with the rest of my family and they don't like her bf so she has explicitly told me not to talk to them about him. I do have a counsellor who I see occasionally and I speak with her about it all. Thank you for all your help. I hope he carries on treating her well, but if anything else happens, I will definitely consider getting some help.

  • in reply to Summer_Snow

    Just becuse your Mum dosen't get on with the rest of her family, dosesn't mean that they don't get on with you. What about your fathers family, are they still around? If she dosen't get on with her family then how likely is it that they will tell her what you've said to them? If she's told you not to talk to them, does that mean she's afraid of interferance, or of sides being taken? Are there any family members who you get on with?

    It's a horrible situation for you, is uni accomodation the only option? Can social services help you to find somewhere for you and your dog? I think you should speak to your counsellor, are they part of the uni or seperate? Can the uni welfrae team help?

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  • in reply to Summer_Snow

    Just becuse your Mum dosen't get on with the rest of her family, dosesn't mean that they don't get on with you. What about your fathers family, are they still around? If she dosen't get on with her family then how likely is it that they will tell her what you've said to them? If she's told you not to talk to them, does that mean she's afraid of interferance, or of sides being taken? Are there any family members who you get on with?

    It's a horrible situation for you, is uni accomodation the only option? Can social services help you to find somewhere for you and your dog? I think you should speak to your counsellor, are they part of the uni or seperate? Can the uni welfrae team help?

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