Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello!
I had my assessment conclusion and just want a space to ramble and process it I think, and see what others have to say.
After waiting just over a month, I finally had a teams meeting with my assessor, and my uncle present who confirmed some of what I was saying, and how I'd been this way since a kid, but also the fact my parents bullied me alot as a kid too.
The assessor reiterated that they think a lot of it is likely childhood trauma, and it's unclear what is down to that, and what may indeed be Autistic traits. He said that, the options are I can put the diagnosis on a shelf for a moment, go through therapy to help sort out the issues from childhood trauma, and come back to it later if the traits are still more apparently autism. Or "take the short route, get diagnosed", and potentially hit issues in the future if I did decide I want therapy, as they may attribute everything to me being Autistic.
Whilst I get where he was coming from, there was a lot in my notes thay I'd written about on a deeper level that I don't think can be explained away by trauma. After all the research, and talking to others and the fact I'm constantly in my own head about many things in my life, I'm well aware in myself of which struggles I think are due to my parents. And I'm pretty sure in myself that it's a mix of ASD, and yes indeed some trauma because of my treatment due to that.
I chose the latter option, because I don't think that it's worth the time, energy, and NHS funds even to go through therapy, and come back to the same conclusion.. I don't think there's a lot therapy can do for me at this time, since I've moved away from my family and processed a lot of what happened to me, and am actually in a better place for it. But the struggling in social situations, differences in how I prefer to communicate, sensory issues and so many other things, remain.
I don't think I made the wrong decision.
But the fact it came down to my decision in the end, made me feel panicked and like I'll be judged for taking "the short route". In my experience it has been anything but short...
But also, if he didn't feel they was a chance I'm autistic, I wouldn't have been even given the option, right?
Just wanted to add, that autism primarily is: communication issues, different perception and special interests, sensory differences, which usually results in social withdrawal and awkwardness. I think a professional with good experience should be able to differentiate what comes from autism, and what from trauma by for example asking questions: example- why don’t you like spending time with a group of people etc. in my case I’m traumatized by various experiences but about my parents I can say it’s their fault that I have low self esteem and I don’t believe in myself, because they told me many times that I will fail, that I’m not good enough etc. so this thing repeated many times resulted in my thinking that I’m inferior to others. This is a trauma from childhood which I’m still processing in my middle thirties. But the fact that I preferred trams, encyclopedias and later also learning Russian or creating some hand work has nothing to do with trauma. This was and is my rich inner world and these activities and intense interests gave me a sense of happiness and safety. This is a typical autistic trait. My self hate came from outside - from my parents and family telling me how bad and failure I sm, because I didn’t fit their criteria of a child (how I should be in their opinion). This didn’t come from inside. I was happy when alone with my interests and it still is this way.
Oh for sure.
I sent a 6 page document over before the assessment itself with everything I could think of (and still forgot some things I realised later on), that points to it being autism.
I have low self esteem and definitelt anxiety around some situations because of my parents, so there is definitely some trauma there in some aspects.
But that doesn't account for the ways in which I communicate differently; it's not that I don't WANT to make friends and have social relationships, but I struggle to make and maintain them IRL. I met my husband and my social circle all online and around a point of interest (and funnily enough, a lot of them Autistic or ADHD themselves.) I've had sensory issues around food and sounds for sure, for as long as I can remember. Very intense and sometimes niche nterests which I tend to follow to what sometimes sounds like an obsessive degree to others that don't know what special interests and such are. Amongst many other things; repetitive behaviours and routines and a preference for lameness in how I do things because that's just how I am.
I hope that your journey won't be too much of a fight! And you get the inner peace and answers you need =)
Keep all these notes - and keep taking notes. I remember stuff all the time, months after being diagnosed that would have been useful if I was near the magical threshold.