Published on 12, July, 2020
At 55 and menopausal, I've just received my autism diagnosis. I'm also likely have ADHD but am not yet diagnosed. So far, my husband and brother are the only ones that know - my husband because he lives with me and all my moods, and my brother because he once wondered if he was autistic too.
I am in the process of informing myself about this. However, first and foremost, I am struggling with the label 'autistic'. I've always had a trouble with labels (from 'loser' in my school years to 'she's an odd one' later on). Thankfully, my parents avoided the 'she's the clever/odd/pretty one' sort of categorization I've heard others use, so I've been free to define myself. They've just accepted me for who I am.
However, it now feels like I've got a big fat label stuck to my forehead. It oversimplifies the complex creature I feel myself to be - good, bad and indifferent combined. I don't want to be dealt with through this prism of understanding, the 'She's autistic, so that explains why she's overemotional/analytical/socially awkward/reserved/overly blunt' sort of thinking.
I now realize that I am suffering from autism burnout, but don't want to use that as an excuse for the meltdowns I've had. I don't want to have to explain who I am, which is just as exhausting as pretending I'm okay. Oversharing has consequences, I have found.
Your thoughts would be most welcome.
The label doesn't define you, it's useful to the degree that it can help you find support or understanding, and knowing that it's not because you are broken, but because you are different in a world that wasn't designed for and doesn't accommodate neurodiversity. Most neurotypical people can't understand what it costs both mentally and physically to function in the world. The menopause is also challenging and doesn't help with the emotional load. I was diagnosed at 31 and am now nearly 45, for me a label explained why everyone thinks I'm really weird and why I feel like I was born in the wrong place, why trying to work, have a family, and a house takes every inch of strength and energy I posses, that I wasn't going mad and there was a reason; beyond that it's no use at all, it doesn't achieve anything else. I don't tell people about the label, I just try to be myself (as difficult as that is and doesn't really work, I can only show small bits and end up trying to be what the other person wants or needs), and do things in a way that helps me to function as best I can. I try to accept that I'm not superwoman even though I'd like to be. I'm currently working on the issue I have of trying to personally solve everyone's problems so they can be happy. I hope that makes sense, sorry one of our pets died recently and one of my children is really mentally unwell, therefore not as eloquent as I'd like. Burnout is not an excuse for meltdowns, it's a cause, being overloaded will inevitably cause a meltdown, and burnout results from being seriously overloaded. I am so happy for you that your parents accepted you for who you are, that is truly special. . Oh and I've found that "your best is good enough" is a really helpful thing to try and internalise, as well as confidence in who you are, and being kind to ourselves, especially when things are tough.