Published on 12, July, 2020
At 55 and menopausal, I've just received my autism diagnosis. I'm also likely have ADHD but am not yet diagnosed. So far, my husband and brother are the only ones that know - my husband because he lives with me and all my moods, and my brother because he once wondered if he was autistic too.
I am in the process of informing myself about this. However, first and foremost, I am struggling with the label 'autistic'. I've always had a trouble with labels (from 'loser' in my school years to 'she's an odd one' later on). Thankfully, my parents avoided the 'she's the clever/odd/pretty one' sort of categorization I've heard others use, so I've been free to define myself. They've just accepted me for who I am.
However, it now feels like I've got a big fat label stuck to my forehead. It oversimplifies the complex creature I feel myself to be - good, bad and indifferent combined. I don't want to be dealt with through this prism of understanding, the 'She's autistic, so that explains why she's overemotional/analytical/socially awkward/reserved/overly blunt' sort of thinking.
I now realize that I am suffering from autism burnout, but don't want to use that as an excuse for the meltdowns I've had. I don't want to have to explain who I am, which is just as exhausting as pretending I'm okay. Oversharing has consequences, I have found.
Your thoughts would be most welcome.
It took me around 18 years from suspecting there was more going on than just SMI to getting an Asperger's/ASD diagnosis. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't moved to be near my daughter. I'd like to say I'm doing better now because of the diagnosis, but there's a more realistic reason why that is so.
My daughter who did all the heavy lifting in getting me from Essex to Wiltshire spoke with the mental health team here in Wiltshire prior to my moving from Essex. She kicked into the long grass a lot of untruths that had been allowed to become entrenched about me as a person. That more than the late diagnosis is why the relationship between the mental health team and me over the last 7 years is immeasurably better than it was for the 40+ years under past mental health teams.
Am I now doing wonderful things because of being treated better? The simple answer is no. Too much damage was done for too long that can't be reversed. I have to make the best of how things are, rather than how they could and should have been. I'm helped more than words can say by my chosen family who love me every bit as much as I love them. I still have the bullying related trauma and the severe social anxiety that goes with it, but the schizoaffective/schizophrenia symptoms are much less.
Thank you for your thoughtful response and story. It sounds like you've had a lot of challenges, and that a diagnosis has been beneficial. I'm still trying to figure out how it might benefit me. I now have a possible reason for at least some of my recent troubles - anxiety, depression, and mood swings in conjunction with menopause (an evil little life stage). I guess I just need to keep reading, and asking questions until I'm settled.
I wish you contentment.