I am feelilng lost

I am feeling lost and hollow. 

I was a teacher for 32 years. I quit my job last week because of issues related to student on student bullying. I was a 4th grade teacher who lost two students on sequential days over allegations of bullying. 

One male student was verbally harrassed by a classmate who repeatedly used the n-word. Admin was in the process of investigating parental allegations of bullying but after the parents withdrew the student, the investigation was dropped and there were no consequences for the student in question. 

The other student I lost was female. A male classmate literally punched her in the face so that she was dazed, bruised, bleeding, and in tears. Admin put the student who had assaulted her into one day of detention. When the student strutted back into class, his behavior was worse than it had been before this incident had occurred. The parents withdrew their daughter the next day.

I teach (or taught) in Nevada. I typically got to work at 5 AM because I liked leaving at 4 PM at the end of my contracted day. Getting to work early allowed me to be well organized for the coming day. I was also able to grade papers and to record them, to work on lesson plans for the coming week, and to catch up on my correspondence.

On the morning I quit, I had opened an email from the principal. It was a reminder that I  had to have my self assessment goals completed within the next two days. I had two goal statements; one for professional growth and one for community growth.

The principal had advised me to state that my professional growth would entail bringing all academically deficient students up by one grade level by year's end. For my community growth, she had recommended that I reach out to parents with twice daily positive comments. 

I looked at these goals and found myself thinking about the two students I had lost. Both had been straight A students. The students who had bullied them were not straight A students. One had a C average and the other was failing.

When I thought about "nice comments," I lost it. I started crying over the silly thought of, "Your son threw a nice right hook when he assaulted a female classmate."

I had already had problems with other student bullies. Within the previous two weeks, there had been 3 fights and 5 incidents of bullying. Student on student bullying was pervasive, not jsut in my class but throughout the grade level as well as the entire school.

Earlier requests for adiministrative support had fallen on deaf ears. 

I realized at this point that I regarded the situation as being hopeless. Without a positive classroom and school climate, how was I suppsed to teach. Instead of readying myself for the day, I packed up those belongings that I had wanted to take and abandoned my classroom. I left my security pass, photo ID, and classroom key on my desk. I sent an email to the principal to tell her that I had quit. By 5:45 AM, I had loaded my car and was on my way home.

My departure followed that of a 5th grade teacher who had left the previous week. 

I've put in for retirement since 32 years has been long enough. I find that I feel curiously hollow. I masked for so long that now that I am no longer teaching, I am having a crisis of personal identity because now that I am no longer teaching, I don't know who I am. 

At 63 years of age, I don't have a lot of surivivng relatives. Since I am also a reclusive introvert when I'm not at work, I don't have any friends. There was a time a few years ago when I had a handful of friends but after having received a clinical diagnosis of autism when I was 60, I gave myself permission to terminate my friendships because maintainng these friendships was emotionally exhausting. It helped that after having received my clinical diagnosis, I moved away. Moving gave me the perfect excuse to both metaphorically and literally distance myself. 

I do not regret quitting my job or retiring.

Having retired, I am feeling lost because I no longer seem to have a purpose or a function. I don't know what to do with myself.