Published on 12, July, 2020
Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through - and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?
Welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear how you're feeling.
I understand what it's like, having been in an ND/ND relationship for over 40 years, most of which we had no idea that we weren't "normal" even though we often felt " different"
No relationship is easy, no matter your neurotype, and I'm sorry that yours ended . But the anxiety and mental health issues that so often accompany ASD can put extra pressure onto both partners.
I hope you find this forum a source of comfort and support.
Thank you Pixiefox and thank you for sharing your story about your own ND/ND relationship.
I know that my (ex-) wife and I will always retain a special bond and I will always look back with love at how it was my wife who told me - the one who broke with her - that we will always be soulmates. We broke each other's hearts but at the same time I think we reaffirmed the bond of like-minded souls who had found each other once and would always remain found and not lost.
Andrew