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Marriage and purpose

ACF85

Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through -  and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thank you Pixiefox and thank you for sharing your story about your own ND/ND relationship.

    I know that my (ex-) wife and I will always retain a special bond and I will always look back with love at how it was my wife who told me - the one who broke with her - that we will always be soulmates. We broke each other's hearts but at the same time I think we reaffirmed the bond of like-minded souls who had found each other once and would always remain found and not lost. 

    Andrew

  • Welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear how you're feeling.

    I understand what it's like, having been in an ND/ND relationship for over 40 years, most of which we had no idea that we weren't "normal" even though we often felt " different"

    No relationship is easy, no matter your neurotype, and I'm sorry that yours ended . But the anxiety and mental health issues that so often accompany ASD can put extra pressure onto both partners.

    I hope you find this forum a source of comfort and support.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you Bunny and thank you for your honesty. 

    It's heartening that you managed to move on and (will be) remarrying. I relent that the hope is always there. I just love too deeply and having pulled away from it once, I don't know how to justify the risk of loving and losing again. I understand why but just feel I need more closure as to when my heart is truly open again (it's been nearly 2 years). 

    I hate sleeping around, if I'm honest, but would be more likely to sleep around than sleep with a big soft toy...but I do understand why a toy is preferable. I often feel the conflict between the ideal and the reality of celibacy - "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". I do look forward to falling in love again and hoping that it can help to redefine me but my wife is so unique. I do struggle to imagine how to 'replace' her - as awful as that sounds, remarriage, for all its hope and promise, is ultimately replacement. 

    Andrew

  • ACF85 said:
    I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through

    Hi Andrew. Please don't do this. For whatever it may be worth, I've also been through a marriage breakdown that ended in divorce. It was a torrid time and I'd never felt so upset, hopeless or low. But I was eventually able to move on to a new relationship and chapter - and we're still together many, many years later. You can get through this, too.

    I know you've mentioned having used some support services before, but I'll still leave this link here (including because it might be helpful for others who come across this thread):

    NAS - Urgent help  

    ACF85 said:
    But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep

    This might initially sound silly - and I certainly don't offer this suggestion flippantly or with any intention of diminishing how upsetting that can feel - but maybe consider getting yourself a giant soft toy. My partner and I have actually been sleeping in different rooms for a while now (not for any negative reasons - we both sleep better that way). I missed the companionship and decided to try a giant soft toy. I've found it really comforting and hug it pretty much all night. To begin with, I felt concerned about what others might think. But I'm so fully on board with the benefits now that I have no hesitation in "outing myself" and sharing the idea with you here! :)

  • in reply to ACF85

    you will get there. Just give it time and get to know your autistic self. Read some books etc. I am not saying it will be easy. I am a year post diagnosis and still learning.

    The most important thing I have learned is to be kind to yourself it's not your fault that the world doe not seem to work in a way that autists need it too.

  • in reply to Mr T

    Thank you Mr T. I hope it does become clearer in time. All I can see is unfairness at the moment, which will take some time to swallow.

  • in reply to ACF85

    Hi Andrew

    I can totally empathise with you regarding your masking. It is a curse and I found out about after 50 years of just feeling not quite right.

    Masking takes it's toll if you constantly rely on as I have found out.

    Take some time to process and learn to be comfortable with yourself.

    I am sure that your course leaders are just looking after your needs to ensure that you can be assessed for what will enable you to succeed.

    It might become clearer in time.

  • in reply to SpikeyMark

    Thank you Mark. Thumbsup tone1

  • in reply to Freckles

    Thank you for your kind words, Freckles. Slight smile

    I've resisted the autism route in explaining how I am as I've become so accustomed to the masking. But at times, like now, I just loose any fragile faith I had in my masking abilities. When you realise that people just see straight through it and it all seems pointless in pretending that you're neurotypical, when you're actually not. 

    I'm also struggling to see how being neurodivergent isn't the curse that it feels like. My latest dilemma is how to convince my course leaders that I'm able to continue and become a teacher. I've been told to have OH assessments and can't do the course in the meantime. I was devastated. I thought I had so much potential to change things round and then it just gets thrown right back in your face. The frustration of being picked out just for being different, the inability to trust and confide when it backfires, the knot of injustice that festers inside - knowing that I've done nothing wrong but all of a sudden my career ambition hangs by a thread. A lot of it is to do with how hard I try to blend in with other people and to connect but they never make it easy; they never understand. Pensive

    I've always struggled to be independent and be my own person. Back with parents now. Face palm♂️ People just say do you're own thing but I never know what to do and when I think I do, it just never works out.

    But I'm grateful for being on here and will hopefully find a home. Thanks again for the kind words. Slight smile

    Andrew

  • in reply to Freckles

    I was going to march on in here with my 50 something wisdom. But do you know what? Freckles has said all that I could say, and much better. Welcome AFC85.

  • You still exist because you are more than just somebodies partner. You are a parent, you are someones child, someones sibling (maybe), someones friend. I haven't been married so I can't speak on divorces but I have been in a relationship where I found myself far too reliant on them to provide me happiness and comfort just to end up getting my heart broken and feeling completely lost and not wanting to continue my life.

    It's hard, and it will honestly be hard for a long time. It DOES get better though. You will start to feel like yourself again as you navigate these feelings. Time truly does heal you but you have to start doing things for yourself. Find yourself. Things you enjoy doing, making new friends and finding things that bring you joy and comfort. If I've learned anything in this group it's that there is always someone to listen to you. We are here for you.