Published on 12, July, 2020
Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through - and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?
ACF85 said:I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through
Hi Andrew. Please don't do this. For whatever it may be worth, I've also been through a marriage breakdown that ended in divorce. It was a torrid time and I'd never felt so upset, hopeless or low. But I was eventually able to move on to a new relationship and chapter - and we're still together many, many years later. You can get through this, too.
I know you've mentioned having used some support services before, but I'll still leave this link here (including because it might be helpful for others who come across this thread):
NAS - Urgent help
ACF85 said:But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep
This might initially sound silly - and I certainly don't offer this suggestion flippantly or with any intention of diminishing how upsetting that can feel - but maybe consider getting yourself a giant soft toy. My partner and I have actually been sleeping in different rooms for a while now (not for any negative reasons - we both sleep better that way). I missed the companionship and decided to try a giant soft toy. I've found it really comforting and hug it pretty much all night. To begin with, I felt concerned about what others might think. But I'm so fully on board with the benefits now that I have no hesitation in "outing myself" and sharing the idea with you here! :)
Thank you Bunny and thank you for your honesty.
It's heartening that you managed to move on and (will be) remarrying. I relent that the hope is always there. I just love too deeply and having pulled away from it once, I don't know how to justify the risk of loving and losing again. I understand why but just feel I need more closure as to when my heart is truly open again (it's been nearly 2 years).
I hate sleeping around, if I'm honest, but would be more likely to sleep around than sleep with a big soft toy...but I do understand why a toy is preferable. I often feel the conflict between the ideal and the reality of celibacy - "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". I do look forward to falling in love again and hoping that it can help to redefine me but my wife is so unique. I do struggle to imagine how to 'replace' her - as awful as that sounds, remarriage, for all its hope and promise, is ultimately replacement.
Andrew