Published on 12, July, 2020
Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through - and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?
You are worth a lot. A lot of people would miss you if you took a suicidal route. Suicide isn’t the answer I have learned this. I tried it before too. But there is so much to miss out on by leaving. There must be a way I always tell myself when I am feeling like that. By ‘a way’ I mean there must be another way other than suicide. There just has to be I tell myself. Maybe try telling yourself stuff like that it might help you too. If you need to talk to someone you can always phone Samaritans or the NHS mental service. Or just talk to us on here. Maybe even talking to a therapist might help if you need more long term support.
Thank you Yellowtree. Yes, I don't have any regard for myself but I stop myself from ending it all because of those left behind. Often talk to Samaritans or use the Mental Health Number to try and take the edge off. Sometimes it helps but unfortunately it doesn't last. My faith is always there and I keep telling myself that God has a way, even when I can'tsee it. As I said, my determination to live for others' sake predominates. Sleeping is the only real respite I get, when I eventually do fall asleep.
Occupational therapy and possible psychiatric intervention seems to be the next stop on my fateful journey. Just got to keep going.
Andrew
Best of luck Andrew I do wish you all the best!