Published on 12, July, 2020
Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through - and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?
You still exist because you are more than just somebodies partner. You are a parent, you are someones child, someones sibling (maybe), someones friend. I haven't been married so I can't speak on divorces but I have been in a relationship where I found myself far too reliant on them to provide me happiness and comfort just to end up getting my heart broken and feeling completely lost and not wanting to continue my life.
It's hard, and it will honestly be hard for a long time. It DOES get better though. You will start to feel like yourself again as you navigate these feelings. Time truly does heal you but you have to start doing things for yourself. Find yourself. Things you enjoy doing, making new friends and finding things that bring you joy and comfort. If I've learned anything in this group it's that there is always someone to listen to you. We are here for you.
I was going to march on in here with my 50 something wisdom. But do you know what? Freckles has said all that I could say, and much better. Welcome AFC85.
Thank you Mark.