Published on 12, July, 2020
Marriage defined me and I've been struggling to redefine myself since separation and divorce. An autistic marriage - I've masked successfully for many years, as my wife did, and we somehow managed to keep ourselves going. The loneliness was bad enough whilst I struggled to stay married but the loneliness after moving out has been excruciatingly painful. It's a case of 'can't live with her, can't live without her'. My need to be happy has failed time after time and I've become so used to beating myself up when things don't work out as I had hoped. But the simple, overlooked things like sharing a bed with someone, occasionally reaching out for them in your sleep, becoming accustomed to their habits and everything about them - in a word, of loving them deeply - are so painful in their absence. It feels like grief. I wouldn't 'go back' as I wouldn't want her to have to keep enduring me and, if I'm honest, we wouldn't make each other any happier as lovers than we did, and still can, as friends. So I haven't lost a friend or my children, even though they no longer live with me. I keep telling myself that it's for the best but I really don't know what 'for the best' means. I'm just so fed up of messing up all the time but not knowing why. Yes, I've felt as low as you can expect someone to feel - I really wish I had the willpower to see suicide through - and I've also tried picking myself up but keep getting knocked down. It's just too much. Faith, support, family etc. It's all there. But it's never enough. I just can't get over how I've let my wife (I'll always call her 'my wife') down. I cried a lot when I broke up with her. Very rare for me and I still had to 'force it out'. I read about autism and broader neurodiversity, I practice compassion and I try to build myself up for a career (I love being around children). It's just so hard. Why do I still exist?
You still exist because you are more than just somebodies partner. You are a parent, you are someones child, someones sibling (maybe), someones friend. I haven't been married so I can't speak on divorces but I have been in a relationship where I found myself far too reliant on them to provide me happiness and comfort just to end up getting my heart broken and feeling completely lost and not wanting to continue my life.
It's hard, and it will honestly be hard for a long time. It DOES get better though. You will start to feel like yourself again as you navigate these feelings. Time truly does heal you but you have to start doing things for yourself. Find yourself. Things you enjoy doing, making new friends and finding things that bring you joy and comfort. If I've learned anything in this group it's that there is always someone to listen to you. We are here for you.
Thank you for your kind words, Freckles.
I've resisted the autism route in explaining how I am as I've become so accustomed to the masking. But at times, like now, I just loose any fragile faith I had in my masking abilities. When you realise that people just see straight through it and it all seems pointless in pretending that you're neurotypical, when you're actually not.
I'm also struggling to see how being neurodivergent isn't the curse that it feels like. My latest dilemma is how to convince my course leaders that I'm able to continue and become a teacher. I've been told to have OH assessments and can't do the course in the meantime. I was devastated. I thought I had so much potential to change things round and then it just gets thrown right back in your face. The frustration of being picked out just for being different, the inability to trust and confide when it backfires, the knot of injustice that festers inside - knowing that I've done nothing wrong but all of a sudden my career ambition hangs by a thread. A lot of it is to do with how hard I try to blend in with other people and to connect but they never make it easy; they never understand.
I've always struggled to be independent and be my own person. Back with parents now. ♂️ People just say do you're own thing but I never know what to do and when I think I do, it just never works out.
But I'm grateful for being on here and will hopefully find a home. Thanks again for the kind words.
Andrew
you will get there. Just give it time and get to know your autistic self. Read some books etc. I am not saying it will be easy. I am a year post diagnosis and still learning.
The most important thing I have learned is to be kind to yourself it's not your fault that the world doe not seem to work in a way that autists need it too.
Thank you Mr T. I hope it does become clearer in time. All I can see is unfairness at the moment, which will take some time to swallow.
Hi Andrew
I can totally empathise with you regarding your masking. It is a curse and I found out about after 50 years of just feeling not quite right.
Masking takes it's toll if you constantly rely on as I have found out.
Take some time to process and learn to be comfortable with yourself.
I am sure that your course leaders are just looking after your needs to ensure that you can be assessed for what will enable you to succeed.
It might become clearer in time.