Diagnosed on Tuesday

Like anything with life, you will eventually accept yourself because that's how we move forward. And acceptance takes time - and there is no exact timeline for that (annoyingly).

When my daughter was diagnosed last year, I had to understand what that really meant. The more I learned, the more I started suspecting that I might be autistic too (the assessor mentioned that there could be a genetic link among other things). The more I questioned myself, the more doubts that also fed into my mind. Was this really who I was? It just raised too many questions I couldn't answer.

What led to anger and a feeling of being fed up was that I wondered if I had wasted all my life trying to be someone I was never meant to be. I thought back on all the times over so many years where I tried so hard to fit in with other people, to try my best at building relationships... and maybe it turned out I was never capable of that? Was I always destined to fail? I was not happy with that feeling.

After a lot of time and talking to a therapist, I started slowly thinking differently. Such as instead of forcing myself to find lots of friends, as it looks like everyone else can naturally do, that maybe I just need one or two. I started thinking about what I needed and what would make me happy, rather than what the crowd seems to be doing. Letting go of this anger and, in a way, grief for a life I thought I was supposed to have helped slowly lead to acceptance, and feeling happier with who I am. Now, I feel I finally understand my true identity for the first time ever.

Side note - I chose not to get diagnosed (making me feel a bit of a fraud sometimes). I went back and forth a lot on that, wondering if that would help me, like that would solve everything. Some wise words from someone in this community said that with or without a diagnosis, I would still be the same person. So I chose to believe in myself and accept who I was, without needing a bit of paper saying it. Making decisions like that helped me move forward too.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it is natural to feel lots of complex emotions and question and doubt yourself, but time will pass and eventually you may realise that they sort of fade away bit by bit. Just trust that, somehow, things will work out.

Like anything with life, you will eventually accept yourself because that's how we move forward. And acceptance takes time - and there is no exact timeline for that (annoyingly).

When my daughter was diagnosed last year, I had to understand what that really meant. The more I learned, the more I started suspecting that I might be autistic too (the assessor mentioned that there could be a genetic link among other things). The more I questioned myself, the more doubts that also fed into my mind. Was this really who I was? It just raised too many questions I couldn't answer.

What led to anger and a feeling of being fed up was that I wondered if I had wasted all my life trying to be someone I was never meant to be. I thought back on all the times over so many years where I tried so hard to fit in with other people, to try my best at building relationships... and maybe it turned out I was never capable of that? Was I always destined to fail? I was not happy with that feeling.

After a lot of time and talking to a therapist, I started slowly thinking differently. Such as instead of forcing myself to find lots of friends, as it looks like everyone else can naturally do, that maybe I just need one or two. I started thinking about what I needed and what would make me happy, rather than what the crowd seems to be doing. Letting go of this anger and, in a way, grief for a life I thought I was supposed to have helped slowly lead to acceptance, and feeling happier with who I am. Now, I feel I finally understand my true identity for the first time ever.

Side note - I chose not to get diagnosed (making me feel a bit of a fraud sometimes). I went back and forth a lot on that, wondering if that would help me, like that would solve everything. Some wise words from someone in this community said that with or without a diagnosis, I would still be the same person. So I chose to believe in myself and accept who I was, without needing a bit of paper saying it. Making decisions like that helped me move forward too.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it is natural to feel lots of complex emotions and question and doubt yourself, but time will pass and eventually you may realise that they sort of fade away bit by bit. Just trust that, somehow, things will work out.

Thank you for mentioning that you did not get a formal diagnosis. I don't think I will be able to afford to get one, I have been seeing a therapist. I had been diagnosed as having anxiety for many years, but it would never get better, even after medication and many, many coping methods and self-help books. I went back to therapy again to "work on my anxiety" and my therapist asked some questions. She mentioned it could be ADHD or autism. She gave me some assessments, and autism is seeming to fit my life experience much more than ADHD (although some symptoms seem applicable). I would love to get a diagnosis for peace of mind, but I'm a single mom and don't think I can really justify the cost. It has been a better explanation for "my anxiety." I don't feel as much of a failure knowing it was likely more due to overstimulation than me not doing enough to address my anxiety. My family does not believe I am autistic (I am female, so I think I just mask really well). My boyfriend wouldn't believe I had ADHD, so I didn't want to tell him I thought I was autistic. I feel very lonely not being able to talk to anyone about it. I am going to try to talk to a co-worker, just so I feel like someone knows in my world. It's just so lonely right now.