Struggling to make/maintain friends and feeling lonely

I'm female and in my mid thirties, formally diagnosed as autistic. I have 2 kids and I work part time. I like to play tabletop roleplay games like dungeons and dragons, and I've joined numerous groups over the years but there's always a pattern;

1. Get on really well. 

2. Notice people seem a bit distant.

3. I will ask what I did wrong and be told I was considered rude or they didn't like how I spoke to someone. I apologise. 9 times out of 10 it relates to them reading tone into online messages that I certainly didn't put in, e.g. "because you were not here I had to do this" is one that got me into trouble. It wasn't a slight it was a fact.

4. Doesn't make a difference, I'm eventually ostracized enough I leave.

t's happened 4 times now. It's got to the point where I wish I could remove the need to socialise, so I don't want friends any more. I enjoy my own company but I do enjoy talking to the people and feeling like I have people who care about how I am. I have had a similar pattern happen in work as well however while it's dealt with in my favour people continue to hold grudges.

I'm more or less socially isolated now and too scared to try again to make friends or join another group. I genuinely get panic attacks about it now. It's really affected my self esteem as i don't believe I'm a horrible person but it's how it's made me feel.