Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm female and in my mid thirties, formally diagnosed as autistic. I have 2 kids and I work part time. I like to play tabletop roleplay games like dungeons and dragons, and I've joined numerous groups over the years but there's always a pattern;
1. Get on really well.
2. Notice people seem a bit distant.
3. I will ask what I did wrong and be told I was considered rude or they didn't like how I spoke to someone. I apologise. 9 times out of 10 it relates to them reading tone into online messages that I certainly didn't put in, e.g. "because you were not here I had to do this" is one that got me into trouble. It wasn't a slight it was a fact.
4. Doesn't make a difference, I'm eventually ostracized enough I leave.
t's happened 4 times now. It's got to the point where I wish I could remove the need to socialise, so I don't want friends any more. I enjoy my own company but I do enjoy talking to the people and feeling like I have people who care about how I am. I have had a similar pattern happen in work as well however while it's dealt with in my favour people continue to hold grudges.
I'm more or less socially isolated now and too scared to try again to make friends or join another group. I genuinely get panic attacks about it now. It's really affected my self esteem as i don't believe I'm a horrible person but it's how it's made me feel.
Crofaye said:"because you were not here I had to do this"
Can you say this in a different way?
" I did this because you weren't here"
" I did this because you weren't here, and I/we missed you because it made me think of you..."
I don't know how to explain the difference in a sort of rule, but it seems a less accusatory way of saying it.
Have you told them you are autistic and need their help understanding any communication issues that might crop up? Just wondering if being upfront would help, or make it worse.
I find I misinterpret your stage 1 quite a lot - I think we are getting on OK but they just tolerate my weirdness for politeness' sake in the hope I leave.
I don't know what I can say to help, but I can relate. The same sort of thing happens to me. The main difference being that when I ask what I did wrong, nobody ever tells me.
Hi and welcome to the community!
I feel sure you're not a horrible person. Our tendency to communicate directly and factually can easily be misread by others, as I also learned a long time ago!
In case it's of any help, the NAS has some advice here about socialising and making friends:
NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults
There's also advice here about anxiety, which you might find helpful:
NAS - Anxiety
One thing's for sure: you're very welcome here, you fit in here, and you're among new friends! So actually three things, then, just be to accurate with my own facts