Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling confused and low.
I find it hard to read people, and it causes me to overthink - especially when it comes to men.
I've been attending a group for a while, and over the last couple of months I've been getting to know a guy there. He makes me laugh, he's kind, generous and smart, but sometimes I find his language quite crude. But no one is perfect right ? I'm certainly not.
I'm quite a reserved person. I can't work out if I like him as a friend or I want something more. Or just to keep my distance. He is autistic too.
In the last couple of weeks he's bought me chocolate, and made me a flower out of a napkin. And I'm not sure what to make of this, or how he feels about me. Sometimes he teases me about my physical disability, and while it hasn't offended me, I'm not sure that's okay.
The last relationship I was in many years ago was abusive. And everytime I get close to a guy, all that trauma surfaces again, and I want to run. I have had counselling for this trauma, but it still rears its ugly head.
As I said I'm confused and feeling really quite low.
Any thought's ? Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile.
Moonchild said:sometimes I find his language quite crude
This is probably because he was brought up in an environment where he learned that 'quite crude' was entirely normal.
Moonchild said: I can't work out if I like him as a friend or I want something more. Or just to keep my distance
We sure do overthink things when we are uncertain of the outcome, you are not alone in this.
Moonchild said:He is autistic too
Hopefully that will mean you have similar levels of honesty, a good foundation for any relationship, friends or partners.
Moonchild said:In the last couple of weeks he's bought me chocolate, and made me a flower out of a napkin. And I'm not sure what to make of this, or how he feels about me. Sometimes he teases me about my physical disability, and while it hasn't offended me, I'm not sure that's okay.
If 'stuff' is important to you, then this sounds like it might meet your needs, since you've found it important enough to mention in this summary. Teasing you - probably doesn't mean the same to you as it means to him. Particularly if you're still not sure if it's an OK boundary for you. Maybe start here, and push back a bit, perhaps one teasing comment is OK when you see him but more than that has an impact on you. He can't decide this for you, you need to assess your comfort level.
If you did date, even for a while, and it ended badly, what are your options? Are you excluded from this group, could you stay friends, .... ??
Sounds like you might have to take the brave step and ask. The more casually you do this, the easier it will be to change your expectations depending on his answer. And that way you know what he is thinking.
Thank you Fiona, I appreciate your insight x