Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling confused and low.
I find it hard to read people, and it causes me to overthink - especially when it comes to men.
I've been attending a group for a while, and over the last couple of months I've been getting to know a guy there. He makes me laugh, he's kind, generous and smart, but sometimes I find his language quite crude. But no one is perfect right ? I'm certainly not.
I'm quite a reserved person. I can't work out if I like him as a friend or I want something more. Or just to keep my distance. He is autistic too.
In the last couple of weeks he's bought me chocolate, and made me a flower out of a napkin. And I'm not sure what to make of this, or how he feels about me. Sometimes he teases me about my physical disability, and while it hasn't offended me, I'm not sure that's okay.
The last relationship I was in many years ago was abusive. And everytime I get close to a guy, all that trauma surfaces again, and I want to run. I have had counselling for this trauma, but it still rears its ugly head.
As I said I'm confused and feeling really quite low.
Any thought's ? Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile.
thats ok
Thank you Fiona, I appreciate your insight x
Moonchild said:sometimes I find his language quite crude
This is probably because he was brought up in an environment where he learned that 'quite crude' was entirely normal.
Moonchild said: I can't work out if I like him as a friend or I want something more. Or just to keep my distance
We sure do overthink things when we are uncertain of the outcome, you are not alone in this.
Moonchild said:He is autistic too
Hopefully that will mean you have similar levels of honesty, a good foundation for any relationship, friends or partners.
Moonchild said:In the last couple of weeks he's bought me chocolate, and made me a flower out of a napkin. And I'm not sure what to make of this, or how he feels about me. Sometimes he teases me about my physical disability, and while it hasn't offended me, I'm not sure that's okay.
If 'stuff' is important to you, then this sounds like it might meet your needs, since you've found it important enough to mention in this summary. Teasing you - probably doesn't mean the same to you as it means to him. Particularly if you're still not sure if it's an OK boundary for you. Maybe start here, and push back a bit, perhaps one teasing comment is OK when you see him but more than that has an impact on you. He can't decide this for you, you need to assess your comfort level.
If you did date, even for a while, and it ended badly, what are your options? Are you excluded from this group, could you stay friends, .... ??
Sounds like you might have to take the brave step and ask. The more casually you do this, the easier it will be to change your expectations depending on his answer. And that way you know what he is thinking.
Thank you
Thank you for your thoughts and your time. X
I have an idea I dont know him so I dont know but if he has Autism depending on what form his autism takes and what aspects he finds challangeing more than others it could be a part of his autism even though hes smart in that he may not be aware and may need someone to tell him or havee it explained in a way he can understand that the teasing isnt ok even though you arnt ofended by it.
an idea maybe could be to ask someone to exsplain to him that even though you dont find it ofensive you may not ok with the teasing and for them to exsplain to him why. and if he can stop doing it
and if nesacery a social story could be an option.
alternatively if he does understand then an option could be to just tell him or someone else your not sure its ok and if he can try to stop and then if he keeps doing it tell someone so they can deal with it
with the flower and the napkin and stuff it could be that he thinks hes just being friendly and only means it as a friendly gesture. also cause everyones different some people find it easyer to express how they feell to people through gestures rather than words and exspress things in different ways. so it could just be his way of saying he likes you but finds it easyer to exspress it by making and giving you these things instead.
it could also be that he doesnt know if he only likes you as a friend or something more yet either and is working it out himself aswell
but it sounds like from what youv said about him at the moment it sounds like its just friends and hasnt gone past that quiet yet so dont worry.
it might be a good idea to just give things time then you can see if your feellings are still the same or not and at the same time make sure you also have space to yourself and give yourself time to work out if you like him as a friend or if you want something more or not. but it sounds like you just see him as a friend at the moment so dont worry. I hope this helps
As you yourself said, you will be waiting a long time for perfection.