Published on 12, July, 2020
I have very recently being diagnosed autistic and adhd aged 37 I have waited over 2 years for my assessment and before this took a year to even speak to my doctor about it as I find it hard to open up and talk about myself. I felt a sense of relief when I was diagnosed as I finally realised I'm not broken or a failure my brain just works differently. I told my mum which I was worried about and she just said nah I would ask for a second opinion you just struggled more when you moved out as you had more responsibilities and how could I have a job and kids if I was autistic and then she just ignored my messages all night. I just don't know how to feel about it I feel is it my fault that I didn't open up more or speak more about my difficulties or should I have told her differently or beforehand. I just feel a bit lost with it all
Welcome. Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit lost with it all at the moment. Here is to hoping that; engaging with our Community might start to help with exploring some of those feelings.
Both you and your Mum are adapting to important news about some significant changes in both of your understanding and being able to adapt to the news.
You mentioned you waited 1 year to speak to your Doctor and a further 2 years for your assessment to take place (that is quite a lot of processing and yet, I imagine, it understandably still feels like "big and new news" to you).
By comparison, your Mum still has a load of catching up (time) to do with her own thinking about the news.
Mums often like to be problem-solvers and a source of solace for their children (that endeavour usually doesn't end even when you are a much older adult).
Your Mum might have felt a bit caught off guard plus you were nervous about delivering the news to her (Mums can be your personal expert in picking up on that sort of thing - that you were stressed about telling her - and she might have been stumbling through wanting you to feel better about it via how she replied).
It was really unfortunate that your Mum then ignored your messages that night. I think many people would feel horrible having that experience. It is possible, so soon after receiving your news, your Mum didn't quite know what to say different / better that night and went with the "do nothing and say nothing" option. Some people react to news of change that way (it doesn't always mean they will remain stuck in that mode).
It really is not a case of anyone's "fault", it was a difficult thing to address together and you have yet to both meet in the middle and find your joint way forwards.
The two of you might currently be at a very different place in terms of depth / range of emotions and the steps of progress (time) through adapting to the change news. That should not mean some future alignment and progress together is unobtainable.
When you said messages; I thought that might mean via electronic or voicemail etc With one of my relatives; if I need them to "hear me", take onboard education, consider my concerns and enthusiasm and try to join me where I am / show support for my goals, I have learnt (the hard way) that I need "Plan A" to send them a hand written letter and brochures / prints of articles which illustrate some of the concepts ...and then as patiently as possible: wait until they have digested it and raise with me the topic and their questions.
(They can use websites and mobiles etc. but for some reason the "old school" approach just works better with that relative).
As a "Plan B"; once we have had the follow up conversation after the letter; I can then leave a suitable book for them to borrow - and that access to neutral more detailed information can also be a successful reinforcement strategy.
If I were to try and push the pace with that relative of mine ...poor experiences are likely to follow (and they can drop into a long-running denial phase).
Sometimes, if I want something family gathering related to be adapted to ease / enable my participation; I have to think well ahead and start layering in the groundwork with that relative - early in the preparations.
For instance, in September will have "the chat" about the plans for over the Christmas Season. I have been using this approach to install incremental changes over some years now (not everything all at once, just a few things at a time per event - and hope more aspects "stick" for next time too).
The ultra strange thing is; that my relative works and I know their workplace is really good about finding innovative ways to ensure their business is inclusive for Autistic people among their Customers (my relative will tell me things like "oh yes, some of our Customers struggle with noise levels in our Reception so we prepare for that before their appointment time". And yet; I can request their own TV be turned down a bit please ...and that is the pantomime routine we navigate each time I visit (their hearing is fine). Oh, well, I shall keep on trying!
Hoping things mellow a bit for you both soon.