Recently diagnosed aged 37 however parent dismissed my diagnosis

Try and get her to sit down with and watch Unmasking my Autism by Christine McGuiness, it's a documentary of her self discovery and well worth watching.

Welcome.  Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit lost with it all at the moment.  Here is to hoping that; engaging with our Community might start to help with exploring some of those feelings.

Both you and your Mum are adapting to important news about some significant changes in both of your understanding and being able to adapt to the news.

You mentioned you waited 1 year to speak to your Doctor and a further 2 years for your assessment to take place (that is quite a lot of processing and yet, I imagine, it understandably still feels like "big and new news" to you).

By comparison, your Mum still has a load of catching up (time) to do with her own thinking about the news.

Mums often like to be problem-solvers and a source of solace for their children (that endeavour usually doesn't end even when you are a much older adult).

Your Mum might have felt a bit caught off guard plus you were nervous about delivering the news to her (Mums can be your personal expert in picking up on that sort of thing - that you were stressed about telling her - and she might have been stumbling through wanting you to feel better about it via how she replied).

It was really unfortunate that your Mum then ignored your messages that night.  I think many people would feel horrible having that experience.  It is possible, so soon after receiving your news, your Mum didn't quite know what to say different / better that night and went with the "do nothing and say nothing" option.  Some people react to news of change that way (it doesn't always mean they will remain stuck in that mode).

It really is not a case of anyone's "fault", it was a difficult thing to address together and you have yet to both meet in the middle and find your joint way forwards. 

The two of you might currently be at a very different place in terms of depth / range of emotions and the steps of progress (time) through adapting to the change news.  That should not mean some future alignment and progress together is unobtainable.

When you said messages; I thought that might mean via electronic or voicemail etc   With one of my relatives; if I need them to "hear me", take onboard education, consider my concerns and enthusiasm and try to join me where I am / show support for my goals, I have learnt (the hard way) that I need "Plan A" to send them a hand written letter and brochures / prints of articles which illustrate some of the concepts ...and then as patiently as possible: wait until they have digested it and raise with me the topic and their questions.

(They can use websites and mobiles etc. but for some reason the "old school" approach just works better with that relative). 

As a "Plan B"; once we have had the follow up conversation after the letter; I can then leave a suitable book for them to borrow - and that access to neutral more detailed information can also be a successful reinforcement strategy.

If I were to try and push the pace with that relative of mine ...poor experiences are likely to follow (and they can drop into a long-running denial phase).

Sometimes, if I want something family gathering related to be adapted to ease / enable my participation; I have to think well ahead and start layering in the groundwork with that relative - early in the preparations. 

For instance, in September will have "the chat" about the plans for over the Christmas Season.  I have been using this approach to install incremental changes over some years now (not everything all at once, just a few things at a time per event - and hope more aspects "stick" for next time too).

The ultra strange thing is; that my relative works and I know their workplace is really good about finding innovative ways to ensure their business is inclusive for Autistic people among their Customers (my relative will tell me things like "oh yes, some of our Customers struggle with noise levels in our Reception so we prepare for that before their appointment time".  And yet; I can request their own TV be turned down a bit please ...and that is the pantomime routine we navigate each time I visit (their hearing is fine).  Oh, well, I shall keep on trying!

Hoping things mellow a bit for you both soon.

I agree with what you say here Martin. I think it’s worth remembering that people’s perceptions of a lot of things (including negative perceptions about ‘disability’) have roots that go way beck into the past and how these things were viewed by previous generations. These sorts of views are remnants of all kinds of historical influences such as religion etc etc - they echo into the present time sadly. Also your Mum may be feeling it’s a reflection on her parenting (as others have said on here) - which would indicate that she probably has very little understanding of autism. If her opinion and feelings are important to you then I would think it’s a good idea to give her time, and gently take the opportunity to help her increase her knowledge and understanding of autism when the time feels right. But at the same time do remember to take care of yourself - and take steps to ensure that her wrong views and misperceptions don’t cause you distress. Ultimately you should prioritise your own mental health and well being in all of this. 

just wanted to share I was lucky with the assessment I had my sister who remembered all the childhood memories.My mum sadly died when I was 19 but I know she would have 100% been supportive.However my Dad who is still alive has at times said things that are not right.he has his own mental health struggles.At the moment he is being wonderful.Also it is the general public who I have most issues with and some of our wonderful public bodies.Just stay strong everyone.Eventually I think Autism will be recognised and respected like any other conditions.

Welcome to the community and congratulations on your diagnoses!

I can relate to your feeling of relief! If you also find yourself experiencing some emotional dysregulation over the coming months (eg due to backward-looking frustration, anger, grief, etc), please know that's normal too - more info: 

Common reactions to receiving an autism diagnosis

Please don't feel that your Mum's reaction is your fault. When preparing for my assessment, I didn't have enough capacity to also educate my family members about autism, or to discuss my difficulties in detail. Also, if I'd turned out not to be autistic, I would have felt foolish, further knocking my self esteem.

Having read beforehand about potential reactions from family members, I set my expectations very low and tried to ignore any upsetting initial reactions and not take anything to heart. They needed time to process my diagnosis and learn more at their own pace.

The NAS says "An autism diagnosis can be an intense experience for the person receiving it and for their parents, partner, siblings and other family members or carers supporting them." Your Mum perhaps just needs a little space at the moment, to start processing her own thoughts.

You might both find these NAS resources helpful:

Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis

Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis - (which includes details of the Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline) 

I wish we could give Elon back, though 

If you wish to try to explain autism further to your mother, maybe quote some famous Autistic people? Christine McGuiness, Dan Ackroyd and Elon Musk all have successful careers and children.

But if it becomes a problem to discuss it with her, it's best to leave it and just discuss it with people who have more open minds. You are still the same person you always were.

Hi, sorry your mother isn’t very receptive, older parents often don’t understand autism. Their idea of an autistic person is basically ‘Rain Man’. They also often see it as an attack on their parenting. I tried to explain to my family but none of its accepted. My mother can’t say the words autistic / autism.  I now never mention it to any family. My wife sort of accepts it as long as I don’t talk about it too much. I hope your mother does accept your diagnosis, maybe try ‘bite size’ pieces when talking about it. 

Hi.

That must feel horrible. That one person that you expect to be in your corner may not be.

I've seen a couple of stories where people come round to the idea after having some time to let the idea settle. I hope that this happens for you.

It's definitely not your fault or down to anything that you have done.

My mum wasn't here anymore when I was diagnosed.

Many parents when confronted with a diagnosis of autism in a child feel that the diagnosis casts aspersions on their abilities as parents. They also have a dislike of considering their offspring as being 'flawed' in some fundamental way. The typical reaction is to reject the diagnosis. This possibly goes back to the old theory that the 'refrigerator mother' produced autistic children, that cold and distant mothers were the root cause. This has been long dismissed, but its influence persists in the general population. The only way to bring your mother round is to educate her. Start by reassuring her that your autism has absolutely nothing to do with her parenting skills, it is largely genetic in origin. From there it should be possible to show her that autistics can be functional in society, hold jobs, have families etc.

Also ask her to really consider whether her unsupported opinion should really outweigh that of the clinical specialists who diagnosed you. Has she really got the psychological or other clinical training to make her opinion in any way valid? 

I know how it feels, it’s not that I give you an advice, because everyone is different. But remember that many people have outdated view of autism. Including my mom. I’m not diagnosed but it happened to me that recently two mental health professionals told me I’m very likely to be autistic and I have quite strong traits. I’m not going for assessment because it’s complicated and energy consuming and I have different issues right now. I have a part time job which I like, I run my household, I’m married and I have a child. And I struggle with my mental health my whole life. But my mom does not acknowledge that and she does not accept the fact that professionals said I’m probably autistic, she didn’t accept my teachers telling her that either. It was in primary school. In my case I keep in touch with my mom, but I avoid talking about that to her, because I know I would be upset by her dismissing me. I can see that she is very confident in her understanding of autism and not willing to learn something more. So I just leave it there, I love her, she helped me a lot with other stuff, but I just accept that I’m on my own with my self discovery and acceptance journey. If you are in a similar situation, maybe having a therapist would be good solution (if you don’t have one yet). I have only my family and one long term friend so I’m not willing to fight them and loose them. 

I’m really sorry that your mother is reacting in this way. She’s not only being insensitive she’s also not treating you with respect and empathy you deserve when opening up to her about a significant event in your life (an autism diagnosis can be a lot to process and it can be a challenging time). Also - ignoring your messages is really rude - that’s really unpleasant, I’m sorry you’re being treated like that by your own mother. Please remember that this weird behaviour her flaw - and not your fault in any way. 
By the time I was diagnosed my mother had dementia so couldn’t comment on my diagnosis (or understand it). But my dad’s reaction was very unhelpful (as I expected tbh). 
Sometimes our parents don’t have the emotional intelligence or understanding to react in the way we would wish. Try not to take it personally - to be brutally frank it’s often because of their ignorance. I wish you well - I hope you can find good ways to come to terms with this period in your life and move forward in a positive way to a bright future. Don’t let your mother bring you down - focus on your own healing and well being. Good luck!

Hi the issue is with your mum not with you you need to have a chat and be honest and frank.It may be she is upset thinking it is her fault.Mothers tend to be amazing when us kinds have problems in life.I think you need to chat again calmly and plan what you want to say