Published on 12, July, 2020
I have very recently being diagnosed autistic and adhd aged 37 I have waited over 2 years for my assessment and before this took a year to even speak to my doctor about it as I find it hard to open up and talk about myself. I felt a sense of relief when I was diagnosed as I finally realised I'm not broken or a failure my brain just works differently. I told my mum which I was worried about and she just said nah I would ask for a second opinion you just struggled more when you moved out as you had more responsibilities and how could I have a job and kids if I was autistic and then she just ignored my messages all night. I just don't know how to feel about it I feel is it my fault that I didn't open up more or speak more about my difficulties or should I have told her differently or beforehand. I just feel a bit lost with it all
Many parents when confronted with a diagnosis of autism in a child feel that the diagnosis casts aspersions on their abilities as parents. They also have a dislike of considering their offspring as being 'flawed' in some fundamental way. The typical reaction is to reject the diagnosis. This possibly goes back to the old theory that the 'refrigerator mother' produced autistic children, that cold and distant mothers were the root cause. This has been long dismissed, but its influence persists in the general population. The only way to bring your mother round is to educate her. Start by reassuring her that your autism has absolutely nothing to do with her parenting skills, it is largely genetic in origin. From there it should be possible to show her that autistics can be functional in society, hold jobs, have families etc.
Also ask her to really consider whether her unsupported opinion should really outweigh that of the clinical specialists who diagnosed you. Has she really got the psychological or other clinical training to make her opinion in any way valid?
I agree with what you say here Martin. I think it’s worth remembering that people’s perceptions of a lot of things (including negative perceptions about ‘disability’) have roots that go way beck into the past and how these things were viewed by previous generations. These sorts of views are remnants of all kinds of historical influences such as religion etc etc - they echo into the present time sadly. Also your Mum may be feeling it’s a reflection on her parenting (as others have said on here) - which would indicate that she probably has very little understanding of autism. If her opinion and feelings are important to you then I would think it’s a good idea to give her time, and gently take the opportunity to help her increase her knowledge and understanding of autism when the time feels right. But at the same time do remember to take care of yourself - and take steps to ensure that her wrong views and misperceptions don’t cause you distress. Ultimately you should prioritise your own mental health and well being in all of this.