Published on 12, July, 2020
I did, it wasn't a voice coming from outside and talking to me, but an inner voice, it was like part of me was already grown up and would comment on things and people around me. It was something that kept me frorm making some mistakes, but also set me apart as "the sensible one". Being the sensible one often meant that any mistakes or just being a child were punnished more harshly than those who weren't expected to be sensible. I don't know how else to explain it, but it still pops up occaisionally, often when I'm in a crowd and people are playing silly head games, it shows me what the game is, so as I don't have to play it.
I don’t think I thought much about childish things when a child, I didn’t really play with toys, for some reason I always preferred the company of adults, I didn’t have anything in common with other children. I have an internal voice inside my head as i imagine most people do, I’ve always talked to myself with lips moving, I’ve done this since childhood and still do.It’s always been an adult voice, an explaining voice . I spent most of my childhood watching TV, a lot of the programs weren’t children’s programs. There was always the stick for misbehaving, you have just reminded me of the phrase used, “you should know better,” like I was older and wiser than my years.
'You should know better!' Is something I suspect we've all suffered from at various times.
Being an only child who only played with one other only child before school, I didn't know how to be with other kids and always felt like I was desperately trying to catch up with them, whilst at the same time wondering why they did this stuff and why I wanted to do it too.
Oddly, now I'm an adult, I often prefer the company of small children, they talk so much sense and consider things properly before giving an answer. Most of the grown up seem the same as the children at school, incomprehensible being doing random stuff for incomprehensible reasons.
I tended to pick on certain adults to talk to, one was my school care taker in Primary School, I would sit in his room and listen for hours, he had been in the war and just knew things that I could learn from. He was full of knowledge I could tap for free. He spoke to me like I was an adult. It was always a good place to get away from the bullies. He was a very solitary man, clever but happy being a caretaker, maybe I had found another autistic person, I have quite a knack for it.