Published on 12, July, 2020
Mine was when I started school. I remember sitting on a table with other children. I felt happy enough but then they all started what felt like a word dance that I didn't know the steps to and couldn't join in with. I remember feeling very alone and confused and panicky.. I mayve had my first shut down. Felt like i was in a washing machine and sound became a background thing. Suddenly couldn't understand them. That feeling still comes in a group of people.
What was your experience?
Just under the age of 3 years and 3 months!
When our Family moved home.
At the end of the day, after all the lovely older family friends who had helped us with our removals had left for the day; I found the rest of my immediate family sat in the new dining room ...all crying together.
I was the only one in the new home not crying.
I remember being stood in the open doorway to the room; just watching the scene inside like a TV screen (wondering what was all that about?).
Nobody looked like they were injured. It didn't look like anyone had been in an argument. I couldn't see anything broken they might have found.
I understood everybody was tired (me too) from all the effort of the move that day (but why all the tears?, and why right now?, and what didn't I know that required these tears? What good was this tearful thing doing?).
After a long journey we had arrived at our new home OK and I could recognise our furniture and things stacked around our new home - (OK, all a bit in the wrong places right now).
To me, my immediate family members felt like I had borrowed somebody else's relatives by mistake. (I hoped it wouldn't be too long before I could see my Grandfather ...he was usually my best explanation person at that age).
In possibly a very early example of masking; I decided this all looked very serious stuff and I had better get in there and do my best to take part.
I sat down on the chilly, hard, lino-tiled floor (cold weather and no fire yet in the hearth ...pre-central heating in that property), near everyone else's shoes and knees (as they sat on adult dining chairs), and joined in at least the tears (although, unlikely to have been crying for the same reason as they were).
(By the way - I am not looking for anyone to explain this to me, thank you ...my Grandfather stepped up to the task the next weekend I visited his house).