When was the earliest time in your life that you remember feeling different from the majority?

When I was around 11 years old, walking to school one morning I clearly remember having the feeling that I was very different from most other kids. I didn’t know why and couldn’t figure this out, but the revelation that I was different was profound, hence the reason I can remember it to this day. I can even remember the exact location on the daily walk where it occurred. Recognising my condition only in the last couple of years, a lot of other memories from that time now make more sense. But back then it was a struggle and probably this was when I started my various masking schemes to cover up my differences and to try to fit in more at “big school’. 

I was always in my head a bit - happily aloof, but I think there was an incident on the playground. I had started at 4 as I was adding, subtracting and reading (and obsessed with the infinite). I only had a few years at one school and then moved yearly until high school.

But most likely having a father (who’s clearly undiagnosed) always tell me I was completely normal… though he didn’t have the same issues communicating and accessing words, nevermind that young females are often just called shy. I was always given reasonable adjustments though, new girl, youngest in the class, etc. 

I never felt I fit anywhere, family or school, from any age.

Yes the transition between classrooms was awful. I was so lost even after years of being at the school. I truly hated school. 

For me the same. Terrible noise during breaks. Transitions between classrooms. Constant changes. New semester, new schedule, subjects, teachers etc. constant stress and anxiety and sensory hell. Often after school I had something like hysterical tantrums (probably meltdowns). And bullies of course. I’m lucky to have managed it somehow but my memory from school is very traumatic. 

I have always felt alone and unwanted, well before I went to school, where it became even worse.

Sorry to read you experienced a rough time across your School years.

As you say, the new transitions to starting; Nursery / Pre-School / Kindergarten / School etc  seems to have hit a tough memory recall for many of us within our Community. 

I suspect that in many cases that may be due to not many of us / our loved ones knowing by that stage that we were Autistic children.

I changed Schools many times as our Family moved home many times.  I wouldn't say each subsequent "first day at a new School" was any easier than the very first one.  (I was not identified as an Autistic person until well into adulthood).

I would like to think, in the circumstances, it does demonstrate our resilience (even when it didn't feel that way at the time).

These days, when I am preparing for something new; I try to think if there are any things I could do or carry with me to improve my coping strategies on such commencements (sometimes I call it correctly, other times I find that I have continuous improvement yet to be devised / refined).

As many others have said the first day at school was a standout time for me. I remember being hysterical because of separation anxiety from my mum and remember most of the other kids not reacting in the way I did. That reaction lasted all through primary school and I only ever managed one school trip. I hated school until I left. I did my best to hide it but others were comfortable at school and I knew I never felt comfortable, too many kids and teachers to avoid or be ready for which generally made me feel unwell. 

School was one big bad memory 

Just under the age of 3 years and 3 months!

When our Family moved home. 

At the end of the day, after all the lovely older family friends who had helped us with our removals had left for the day; I found the rest of my immediate family sat in the new dining room ...all crying together. 

I was the only one in the new home not crying.

I remember being stood in the open doorway to the room; just watching the scene inside like a TV screen (wondering what was all that about?). 

Nobody looked like they were injured.  It didn't look like anyone had been in an argument.  I couldn't see anything broken they might have found.

I understood everybody was tired (me too) from all the effort of the move that day (but why all the tears?, and why right now?, and what didn't I know that required these tears?  What good was this tearful thing doing?).

After a long journey we had arrived at our new home OK and I could recognise our furniture and things stacked around our new home - (OK, all a bit in the wrong places right now).

To me, my immediate family members felt like I had borrowed somebody else's relatives by mistake.  (I hoped it wouldn't be too long before I could see my Grandfather ...he was usually my best explanation person at that age).

In possibly a very early example of masking; I decided this all looked very serious stuff and I had better get in there and do my best to take part.

I sat down on the chilly, hard, lino-tiled floor (cold weather and no fire yet in the hearth ...pre-central heating in that property), near everyone else's shoes and knees (as they sat on adult dining chairs), and joined in at least the tears (although, unlikely to have been crying for the same reason as they were).

(By the way - I am not looking for anyone to explain this to me, thank you ...my Grandfather stepped up to the task the next weekend I visited his house).

When I was a child I was around a group of people. When someone in the group said something funny and everyone laughed, I laughed "on the inside", but my face remained neutral. Then they questioned me if I found it funny, and I said "yes" then they angrily wondered why I didn't just laugh then. Then they all eyeballed me intensely with rage, as if I did something wrong to spite them. 

There were many instances at school where I'd fail social interactions like that, either by wrong facial expressions, or not being quick witted enough to think of a response in time and having an "awkward silence," and other people would react strongly or negatively towards me, they'd assume and interject what "terrible things they think I meant through my facial expressions or my awkward silence.

I'd then replay negative social interactions over and over in my head for hours and hours, days and days, months and months, thinking about what went wrong and what I could have done differently. Luckily I've learned not to do that, because that's maddening, but I did that for most of my childhood. Now I just say what I think, and avoid letting other people assume what I'm thinking, because they go to worse case scenarios, project those bad things on me, and then treat me badly based on that. So I avoid the conversation tumbling to that whenever possible. 

When I started infant school at four and a half yrs I was selectively mute for 3 months. I was, I think, hugely overwhelmed and shut down, at least partially. The teacher asked my mother if I was silent at home, to which she replied, “No, he never shuts up”. Nothing was done about my mutism, which was ended by a specific incident. I have been very interested in animals and natural history all my life, it is one of my abiding and deep interests. The teacher brought in an incubator with half-a dozen fertile hens’ eggs. When the chicks began to hatch and cheep, I began to talk, apparently quite volubly. Somewhere in the house there is a photo of me carefully holding a newly hatched chick. The teacher, who took the photo, must have been impressed by the sudden transformation.

I was taken from a home with three doting adults (my grandmother lived with us), for reasons I did not comprehend, to a place crowded with noisy children whose actions could not be predicted and whose intentions were not always benign, and into an authority structure I did not understand. I still think silence was an appropriate response.

Ouch bless you. 

People can be horrible can't they.

Trying to find a positive though, so I haven't made you all feel low with my question and dragging up all these memories,  I am so grateful for this community.

It's the only place outside of family where I can be honest and be myself. 

It's sad to hear all your experiences. But it's what connects us cos they're so similar. 

Sending hugs- but you'll probably all hate being touched so maybe not

At prep school was called the 'missing link' between man and ape. At public school was earmarked as a 'weirdo' for being naively truthful about my lack of knowledge  re sex, to a dorm full of other boys in full bragging mode. That was on my 1st bedtime there. I never recovered from that. Was always the weirdo,freak etc - further not helped by being physically clumsy  and struggling socially.

I think that it’s a wider experience and it’s similar to the gay community and coming out as gay - as far as some people of a certain mindset are concerned, those of us with autism should learn to be be seen and not heard, we do not have any right to form any opinions nor make any comments on any issues, because it is deemed that, on a common sense basis, that we do not understand (and need to be made to understand by means of ultra strict discipline) that we are always deemed to be wrong by default on every issue, in and on every level and in every way, because our condition stems from negative attitudes and stemming from other childhood issues - such people not only believe in the (rigidly enforced) “absolute silence of compliance and total obedience” for those of us with our condition, but they also believe and maintain that the only way to manage our condition is by the use of ultra strict discipline, either given in an autism “boot camp” or by means of a live in mentor/carer who is also a strict disciplinarian, who believes in “saving us from ourselves” and such an approach is deemed to be “for our own good” - since my diagnosis, these have been some of the reactions to my diagnosis that I have encountered 

I had a moment in late 90’s when I was around 10, there was an event organised by church, many kids, entertainment, camera man etc. and I saw the video of us. I couldn’t look at myself, I felt awful about seeing myself there with “wooden expressions” and other kids were so expressive and cheerful but I was sitting rocking and kinda smiling. I had impression I was looking at a disabled child. I hated myself a lot and this video only made it worse. I started practicing mimics in front of a mirror to be like others. And I used to do it for long years only when I found out about autism masking etc I stopped and decided to just be myself. 

A good question that's hard for me to answer because of a rather  poor autobiographical memory .  Best I can say is - on starting at prep school, but it could've been earlier.

Wow yes!

You will miss the dog, they're great company, so easy.

Thanks

First day at school, there were so many things I didn't know how to do, so many labels given to me for the things I didn't know how to do and just from being and only child.

I apparently told my parents on quite a few occasions that my real parents would come for me one day.

From most of the posts, school seems to be where the comfort zone was pushed too far. Too be honest, before nursery school I had not really met many other children.