Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon,
I am looking for help to understand my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I know he is somewhere on the spectrum, after realising this, I read a few books on autism, which have helped a bit. However , I am a bit lost in understanding where neurodiversity ends and personality starts.
When we started dating, he told me he was divorced and had two teenage sons, who he saw every weekend. I accepted the fact that we would not be spending any weekend together.
I have been through the threshold of his flat but have never been invited in. I understood that some neurodiverse people do not like to share their place with other people. Again I accepted that fact.
He has a hobby, which he is very much into. I somewhat share this interest so we do spend time doing this hobby.
After one year, he started working nights. Between his work, hobby and kids, I feel we barely spend time together, only when it fits in his timetable. I know that his kids will always be his priority, but sometimes, the hobby becomes the priority, and I become bottom of the list.
He is somewhat unreliable, suggests activities but it leads nowhere. I believe this is linked to he fact that he does not want to spend any money on us as he is very generous with his children. For example, he said he wanted us to go on holiday together. So I started looking into things, a few weeks later, he said i don't want to go on holiday anymore. Meanwhile, he is happy to join me on a free holiday to my family's home. Again, I can understand this, I read some neurodiverse people find it difficult to plan/organise and i understand that he is making sure his kids want for nothing, but is it the reason in this case or am I in the hands of an opportunist and a user?
He often lies or does not share things. Last year, we broke up because he hid the fact that he was going on holiday with his ex wife and children and invented some amazing story of why he had to join them on that holiday. I know that neurodiverse people can struggle to communicate , but in this case , i am not sure it is the problem.
The last thing , which I don't believe is a neurodiverse trait but I would love to be proven wrong, 2 years together and I haven t been introduced to his children nor to his family. It seems to me he does not want to commit.
I wanted to say that I know he is on the spectrum for sure and his son has been diagnosed with Asperger's when he was very young, so I have no doubt about that fact. I also have no doubt that he has feelings for me.
I believe that things take longer to happen with neurodiverse people, and I would be ready to accept everything to make him comfortable and happy but at the same time, I don't want to be used.
I would be grateful for anyone's opinion/ knowledge, for anyone to tell me what is 'typical' neurodiverse and what is definitely not. Does this just look like a fear of commitment or something else?
Thank you so much for your help
I’m an autistic woman and I can tell you for a fact I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour from my partner, ND or not! Have you asked him about these issues and his reasoning?
Sadly, there never seems to be any reasonable explanations. he told me that he is a private person. In all fairness, I feel like a cheap mistress in his life. And my sad excuse has been that i accepted this behaviour because of the neurodiversity. If he was not neurodiverse, I would have left him a while ago, and I have told him those very same words!
NAS94489 said:I feel like a cheap mistress in his life
Have you had a blunt conversation with him about his behaviour?
It does sound like he is keeping you in the "friends with benefits" zone and not letting you into his life when he had already done that with his ex-wife so he is capable of doing it.
Some of the behaviour can be attributed to autism but there also looks like a significant amount of selfish, a-hole behaviour mixed in too - and frankly you don't deserve to have to put up with it.
I went through a similar phase in my early 30s after a long relationshio breakup and my a-hole behaviour was driven by my defending myself from getting too attached after a previous relationship breakdown and I was not nice. Oddly enough I was never so successful with the opposite sex as the whole bad boy attitude seemed to work at the time even though I felt very insincere about it.
I eventually realised how unreasonable my behaviour was after my girlfriend confronted me and oddly enough when I returned to my more normalised self she sort of lost interest - maybe she just had enough.
The point of all this is - give him a chance but be very direct, as non threatening emotionally as you can bring yourself to be and if there is no change then walk - it just isn't worth the cost if he is not willing to be decent with you.
That would be my approach anyway.
Thank you Iain, I think your are right, all I ve done is excuse the behaviour with 'but he is on the spectrum' . I also think that like you, he has been hurt before and maybe, he wants to grow old with someone but does not want to commit to anyone right now/until his children are independant. thank you for your time Iain.