Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon,
I am looking for help to understand my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I know he is somewhere on the spectrum, after realising this, I read a few books on autism, which have helped a bit. However , I am a bit lost in understanding where neurodiversity ends and personality starts.
When we started dating, he told me he was divorced and had two teenage sons, who he saw every weekend. I accepted the fact that we would not be spending any weekend together.
I have been through the threshold of his flat but have never been invited in. I understood that some neurodiverse people do not like to share their place with other people. Again I accepted that fact.
He has a hobby, which he is very much into. I somewhat share this interest so we do spend time doing this hobby.
After one year, he started working nights. Between his work, hobby and kids, I feel we barely spend time together, only when it fits in his timetable. I know that his kids will always be his priority, but sometimes, the hobby becomes the priority, and I become bottom of the list.
He is somewhat unreliable, suggests activities but it leads nowhere. I believe this is linked to he fact that he does not want to spend any money on us as he is very generous with his children. For example, he said he wanted us to go on holiday together. So I started looking into things, a few weeks later, he said i don't want to go on holiday anymore. Meanwhile, he is happy to join me on a free holiday to my family's home. Again, I can understand this, I read some neurodiverse people find it difficult to plan/organise and i understand that he is making sure his kids want for nothing, but is it the reason in this case or am I in the hands of an opportunist and a user?
He often lies or does not share things. Last year, we broke up because he hid the fact that he was going on holiday with his ex wife and children and invented some amazing story of why he had to join them on that holiday. I know that neurodiverse people can struggle to communicate , but in this case , i am not sure it is the problem.
The last thing , which I don't believe is a neurodiverse trait but I would love to be proven wrong, 2 years together and I haven t been introduced to his children nor to his family. It seems to me he does not want to commit.
I wanted to say that I know he is on the spectrum for sure and his son has been diagnosed with Asperger's when he was very young, so I have no doubt about that fact. I also have no doubt that he has feelings for me.
I believe that things take longer to happen with neurodiverse people, and I would be ready to accept everything to make him comfortable and happy but at the same time, I don't want to be used.
I would be grateful for anyone's opinion/ knowledge, for anyone to tell me what is 'typical' neurodiverse and what is definitely not. Does this just look like a fear of commitment or something else?
Thank you so much for your help
Thank you Iain, I think your are right, all I ve done is excuse the behaviour with 'but he is on the spectrum' . I also think that like you, he has been hurt before and maybe, he wants to grow old with someone but does not want to commit to anyone right now/until his children are independant. thank you for your time Iain.
Thank you TwoLegit for your reply, I think you are right and I have seen the red flags but have been looking for a way to excuse them.
Thank you Mark, I have asked him before, and the answer is always the same : to love and be loved and have a future together. but I believe that means keep you around until the kids have grown up, and when they are independant , I will give you my full attention. I think anyway.
Being ND isn’t an excuse for being a bad partner. Certainly some areas need allowances but not at your expense. Often what happens with ND partners is they don’t realise an area is a concern, but if it’s raised, then a good partner would either use that info and adapt their behaviour, or work to come to a compromise where you are both comfortable/happy.
Example: You like to be texted good morning and good night. To you this shows you’re thinking of each other. ND partner might be thinking he/she doesn’t want to wake you or disturb you close to bedtime, or may simply not be used to texting like that. A good partner would take on board its importance to you and adapt. Some people might then say ‘he/she is now only texting because I asked…’, but with ND people, we’re often quite straight forward and happy to adapt to our partner’s needs, but we don’t necessarily know or realise those needs without being directly told.
It sounds like the issues with your partner are not to do with being ND but just with being selfish. To me, there a lot of red flags with his behaviour and you deserve better!
I find it extremely difficult to lie, so don't bother and if I have then will crack later on because I can't stop thinking about it. Was he scared of the reaction he'd get from you? Him going on holiday with them should be an ok thing to do because of the children.
As with all these questions, we only have your side of things, but he is sounding a bit unfair, I think. Sounds like time for a proper conversation without anyone getting too emotional to find out what he actually wants.
(Disclaimer: I am just a middle aged autistic bloke. I have no special wisdom.)
NAS94489 said:I feel like a cheap mistress in his life
Have you had a blunt conversation with him about his behaviour?
It does sound like he is keeping you in the "friends with benefits" zone and not letting you into his life when he had already done that with his ex-wife so he is capable of doing it.
Some of the behaviour can be attributed to autism but there also looks like a significant amount of selfish, a-hole behaviour mixed in too - and frankly you don't deserve to have to put up with it.
I went through a similar phase in my early 30s after a long relationshio breakup and my a-hole behaviour was driven by my defending myself from getting too attached after a previous relationship breakdown and I was not nice. Oddly enough I was never so successful with the opposite sex as the whole bad boy attitude seemed to work at the time even though I felt very insincere about it.
I eventually realised how unreasonable my behaviour was after my girlfriend confronted me and oddly enough when I returned to my more normalised self she sort of lost interest - maybe she just had enough.
The point of all this is - give him a chance but be very direct, as non threatening emotionally as you can bring yourself to be and if there is no change then walk - it just isn't worth the cost if he is not willing to be decent with you.
That would be my approach anyway.
Sadly, there never seems to be any reasonable explanations. he told me that he is a private person. In all fairness, I feel like a cheap mistress in his life. And my sad excuse has been that i accepted this behaviour because of the neurodiversity. If he was not neurodiverse, I would have left him a while ago, and I have told him those very same words!
I’m an autistic woman and I can tell you for a fact I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour from my partner, ND or not! Have you asked him about these issues and his reasoning?