My Wildlife holidays.

Hi Zo. Saying about sensory stuff for question 2 shouldn't offend your mum. It would provide one reason?

I guess so.

 its just that in the past  if i made any passing comments like at least its  not as loud as the care home in comparison to a palce or noise or something  Mum and Dad has told me that im intolerant and i need to learn tolerance as in I  need to learn too be more tolerant of people in the care home  in the past if i even remotely mentioned anything to do with noise and the care home which taught me to be quiet about it. and then when the social worker sees it she could likely asume that its just a simple  fixable soloution rather than a good reason to find somewhere else but it isnt fixable its just the way the place is and the people that live there.

this is why im abit hesitant to add it

Hi Zo. Saying about sensory stuff for question 2 shouldn't offend your mum. It would provide one reason?

Iv decided to do one question at a time but its hard to do it without being too direct or too  matter of fact and the gist of things. 

i dont know if we can show writeing or not so iv now just written via typing instead 

so far iv written 

Why does he want to move to alertnative acomodation 

to go to a better care home 

better place for independence 

better envirement 

question 2 

can he tell me the reasons for exactly why hes not  happy at the care home 

lets just say thats not all been done yet 

 question 3

what does he hope to achieve in a move 

same as above 

im not sure if its cause of the way the questions are phrased

iv asked Mum what the last question means and she said

It means what what would be better in a different accommodation  

so I think it is how it was phrased 

thanks. guess so.

its worth noteing though  even though I have said it is part of autism not all autistic people are hypersentive to sound or touch and things like that even though it is common an autistic trait for instance 

for some autistic people they may be over sensitive to all senses whereas others maybe undersensitive to sound but hypersensitive to touch or some other sense whereas others migjt be under sensitove to all senses and seek all of them out 

 the residents here seek out sensory stimuli like sound, smell and touch rather than avoid it cause they enjoy it whereas with me I dont and I avoid it cause im hypersensitive 

so both of them seek out noise whereas i avoid it and I think this could be one of the reasoms it can be overwhelming. 

theres lots of reasons why its un suitable for me though 

my social worker has given me 3 questions to answer why does he want to move to acomodation 

what does he hope to achiebe moving to another acomodation 

and ehat are the reasons hes not happy at the care home so i have to answer all 3 by monday 

so i need to asmerr all 3 of these and get it done finished and sent  soon  otherwise if i leave it too late like say late evening that will be it cause Mum will be going to bed and then it will be Monday and I will of failed to tell send them to the social worker on tome 

Hi Zo. I am sorry that you are feeling anxious so close to Monday.

If I may, can I try and summarise one of the things that you bring up a lot...

"As you know, I am autistic. Autistic people like me have sensory sensitivities that non-autistic people don't really understand and are hard to explain. The inhabitants and the staff of the home generate a lot of noise that add to my anxiety. This is a problem for autistic people even when they do not have learning difficulties. Non-autistic people do not understand why this is a problem, but I found one explanation online:"

How Do We Process Sensory Information?

Think of your brain and nervous system as a controller, taking in information from your senses, deciding what's important, and choosing how to react. Example: Your boss comes to your cubicle to talk. A florescent light flickers overhead, a co-worker laughs in the next cubicle, and a microwave whirrs in the break room. However, your brain filters out those sights and sounds so you can focus on what your boss is saying.

Someone with autism may process information from their senses differently. He may be unable to filter out irrelevant noises or sights, such as, in the previous example, the microwave or flickering light. Or he may find certain sounds, lights, or textures to be severely distracting or uncomfortable. Some suspect that sensory problems may be triggers for other behaviours often found in autism

today is the day 

today is the day I need to get it sent. im haveing alot of trouble.  even though i got some things to help with it on here. the thing is its one of those situations where its just not suitable and you cant put it any other way.  im worried she will asume none of what i say are valid reasons for a move cause i finding it so diffuclt

although i can undertsand that she wpuld like to know why in the world im not happy in the care home after her meeting  from staff and Mum that was based on there perspectives.  there are some things that cant really be exsplained easily if its a situation where it just isnt and its one of those things that its not something that can be just exsplained away or  easily exsplained and  you have been in a care home long enough to know this its not that there doing anyhting wrong and  its not a case of possible improvemnts but that its just not suitable.

for instance I have already told the social worker the day that i told her i wasnt happy here when she asked well the thing is its just not suitable i cant put into words or exsplain the reasons why and that theres too many reasons to count so i cant really say them all and the overall gist of it is that it isnt so i dont undertsand why she wants to know cause it just isnt thats the gist of things.

I i thought that if i said no and told her why  and as it is  that i didnt think i would have to exsplain the reasons or have to give reasons that she would see as good reasons for me to move i thought what i said was a vaild reason enough.

the thing is im not trying to be diffucult but i get the feelling that may of been how she took it when I saw her as im being instructed to do what i said i cant do which is tell her all the many and wide variety of  reasons why

i thinkk  if she cant respect the fact ii cant put into words the reasons and state them as well as her exspectations say i should then i doubt she will when i send them thats the thing if i ever even manage to i cant exsplain the reasons why about the way the house works iv only put it as it is on my list 

 I told her when i saw her that  i cant really exsplain them to her cause its just one of those things and idealy i think she should need a list as to the reasons why if i cant vocalise them if i say its just one of those things its just one of those things thats the gist of things that is the thing. iv been researching the care home to see if it will help but still nothing so far its just puting into words that the reasons dont mean the place has a problom or they could improve its just that it just isnt suitable and to me i would of thought she would understand that but she didnt that day. I only have today to send this to Mum and so far I have not descibed things the way they would like or exspect me to. 

its not the what would make the another place better but rather the reason side i dont know why it is i cant exsplain the reasons even though i know them other than it is hard to exsplain and something just feells wrong about this in that i dont think it is right she knows i cant put things into words and has put preasure on me and Mum to tell her the reasons when she knows i just cant get them out my mouth or on paper for Mum to send 

it makes it look as if i dont have any good reasons even though i have many and i risk not being belived due to not being able to tell her or not telling her the only thing is i dont know why i cant put it into words if i did that would make things so much easyer but for some reason i just cant 

Yes the thing is with Mum is that she does this quiet often there has been lots of ocasions where I havnt been able to fully exsplain things cause shes too quick to shoot them down before hearing someone out properly she can be not just stubborn sometimes but also quiet in patient

and this can be problomatic when it takes time for me to process and exsplain stuff I tryed to exsplain the best I could but I wasnt able to grt her to understand the reason given for wanting to send it to just her

. im lucky if i manage to get most of an exsplantion in but if that fails then any atempts tp be understood after that and to get her to try and listen and understand cam be diffucult to almost impossible 

where me and Mum can clash is when this happens as it causes me fustration she gets too inpatient for any kind of understanding to be established amd she isnt detail orientated amd tends to get fustraited when people go into details. 

another area where we clash is that Im very patient whereas Mum can easily get stressed and lose her patiance quickly.  I prefer to

I also prefer solutions to probloms rather than just sharing opinions and points of view and prefer to work things out rather than just taking the easy way out 

as that isnt allways the best way 

in this case its much easyer for her to keep this issue of me not being comfortable and un resonably exspect me to semd the reasons to someone im not comfortable woth which in this cade is her 

and i prefer to face didfucult probloms like this rather than just stressing out about them and exspecting things to just work out by themselfs when they arnt going to. 

to exspect someone to be send someone something when one is not comfortable enough is an un respnable exspectation to have but Mum has prefered to gamble with fate and set me up for failure rather than face the problpm head on and ask the social worker if i can send it to her directly 

Mum prefers things that dont require much thinking simple soloutions to every day probloms otherwise she gets stressed

she prefers to just look  at the whole picture whereas i look at the details just like Dad. 

while she has her reasons life isnt allways easy and sometimes you do have to do the diffuclt thing

I think that if Mum was more patiemt with me particularly when it comes to my semsory processong it would make it easyer to establish an understanding on the issue and wpuld help me to become more open to her on other issues also but she finds it diffucult she also struggles to understand my autism and learning disability and cause shes not autistic herself that makes things hard to 

with the tome limit I dont know why my social worker gave me until next Monday all I know is that she is on holiday until late October 

and I dont know if Mum will think it would be ok to ask

im also worried thay cause iv left it so late i may not be takem as sireously ad i need to be aimce i jave been givem until Monday 

the email thing seems like it would solve the her not being imvolved problom the only thing is that its not that I dont want to involve her i jist dont want her to be sent the reasons cause im not emotionaly open to her and not comfortable woth her 

and as you say she would see it that is the thing 

This is tough, Zo. I understand.

It is possible to include multiple people in an email. Your mum could still be an extra recipient.

She will be thinking that she has your best interests in mind. There may be all sorts of other factors that she doesn't want to add to your stress with. I'm sorry that she has shut this down.

What I can say is that I don't think that there really is a hard time limit. I think that if you said that you can't do this by Monday then it would actually be OK.

I think that your mum should be included. But what is tough for you is that you don't want to offend your mum. But you also need your own voice. I think that being able to email the social worker with your mum included will partly achieve this (but your mum would see it.)

yes that is the barrier. I have sugested to Mum of that i want send it starit to her cause that would make me feell more comfortable and why but   Mum thinks if i dont send it to her to pass on to the social worker that im leaving her out of the process by doing that and she wanted to be involved in it.

 shes concerned i dont want her involved in the process even though i said that it isnt that i dont want her involved and its not that she  wont be involved in the process and shes concerned cause she  thinks that i cant do it like this sending it strait to her cause she needs to still be involved in the process. 

she went funny cause of this rather than saying il ask and see or something like that at my request

she chose to repeate the social worker said to send it to me to send it to  her cause thats what she asked so you need to send it to me so i can see it and send it to her  thats what you need to do over and over and started speaking faster and faster then said  end of story im not talking about it anymore so she tryed to shoot the conversation down as if that will somehow solve the problom so she took it personally. Mum can be very stubborn and thinks that somehow not talking about these  things will just makes them go away just like that. 

Is the barrier that you want to speak straight to the social worker without your mum being involved? You are an adult. I am sure that this is possible.

This is just my feelings on the matter, but this is what I would be asking in your situation...

I would want my mum to tell my social worker that I find it hard to talk in person due to processing delays and other things to do with being autistic. I would ask my mum that you want the "reasonable accommodation" of being able to communicate with the social worker by email and not have time limits (due to anxiety).

Summary (to your mum)

• I want to be able to email my social worker (due to processing delays and social differences)
• I don't want time limits due to anxiety (for example, not to have to get a list by Monday)

When this is done, hopefully you can email your list to the social worker in your own time.

I appreciate that I am very different to you, so this may not be how you want to do things.

thought I wpuld send this gor tomarow morning so I dont forget.

 its usualy tireing the day after an bad day which was Thirsday. which ks whu i was tired but it can alsp be tireing if youv been very anxious 

I cant wait for November for my mood tablets to be increased it needed to be done this month that was the idea of phoneing them was so that it cam help me with my moods amd anxiety. the whole idea was to help ms cope with my anxiety and moods.

I said to the staff that it meeds to be soon not more tham a couple of weeks or in a matter of months.  the ifea was sp that its  least mext week or soon at the latest as i cant wait but she saod the dpctors were too busy and the 26th Novber was the only apointment they had. . 

 exsperiamceing just as an example 4 or 5 differant emotions in a short time frame  all the same it can be very diffucult to cope with particularly if you have other things going on even though i dont show them even if the mood changes arnt obvious to others or shown in fromt of them. i do have a mood disorder cause  it is comorbid  it ocurs alongside my other disabilitys.  this is ons of the reasoms it cam happen and its usualy triggered by or in response to exsternal events so it probably hasnt helped as its an aditional diffuculty due to a disorder i have 

my amxiety. wihen it comss to transitions are allways exstremly stressful for me and cam also be a source of overwhelm sometimes im used to sitting woth a social worker talking about the process rather tham doing it without a meeting 

 it is part of my autosm I find these things diffucult and the process is usualy diffucult for me and my family. with transitions its exspecialy mafe more diffucult  when you have other anxietys on top. cause it is such a short time frame for me to get this list done and so i im now more anxious than the begining of the week. iv never had to write a list for the process before  and i will probably be even more Anxious on Saturday 

i dont know if the idea of mine about the social worker and the phone is a good oms or not but Its the whols idea of the possibility of Mum reading my reasons before sending it to the social worker as Mum will only look for a place if i give proper reasoms that will male my social worker belive another place will be better 

otherwise the social worker wont do it 

its the idea of Mum reading everytjing cause im not enotionaly open to her which is the stage before the social worker sees it that is causeing me to procasinate about sending it to her the reason aswell is that  she doesnt usualy understand the reasons about the care home and eberything. 

 the thought is making me uncomfortable which is causeing me to delay it im spite of how close it is.

I think this is ehat the issue is so I think  if it wasnt for this i would probably iv got this sorted soomer than the weekend but it couldnt be helped 

when im bery anxious it can make it hard to sleep and cause iv been very anxious iv been struggling woth that 

its one thing writeing everything down but in the end I will need to send thrm to Mum to send to my social worker  its the idea of it going to someone im not comfortable with that is what im struggling with 

I dont know if social workers allow residants of care homes to have there number though or weather she will allow it woth the idea i came up with below though so thats something thay was definatly worth noteing.

if anyome has any ideas let me know what you think of the idea of how to get around this barrier to getting it done 

edit: ps sorry about typing mistakes i thped this useing my phone and i find it diffucult to type on my phone unlike my laptop

say in any case of my message in the new recent  comments  in the last 2 paragraphs of it and the ones about the reasons  why im not comfortable sending to mum about the reasons about leaving Iv just come up with an idea that I dont know weather would be a good idea or not

 and  if the social worker would allow it but i could ask Mum if she could send me the social workers number on my phone so that I can send her the reasons why Im not happy at the care home and why an alternative acomadation would be better or more suitable for me  through messageing the social worker  rather than Mum sending them to her even though  the way the  social worker asked for me and Mum  to send it to her is to send it to Mum 

 but the only downsides is that Mum will feell like im not involving her in the process or she could think that may not be allowed as in for a care home resident to have her number even though it is to do something she asked which is to send her the reasons im not happy here and what would make somewhere else better 

and under  current circunstances not comfortable with sending the reasons to Mum for  reasons iv mentioned to send to her but i dont know if this could be the case or not if i did suggest it to Mum even though it would be a better option for me since i cant meet up with her and that 

most of them are pretty much the same when I was a child the main things i watched was pokemon scooby doo and harry potter so most of the things i copyed are from there. i also liked looney toons and scooby doo but the majority of words and phrases are from the pokemon series and Harry Potter and scooby do but Pokenon and Harry potter was the ones i copyed much more  when i was a teenager i was interested in Ben 10 and the land before time aswell as Harry Potter and Pokemon I also got into Avatar the legand of AAng and Kung fu Panda. then I got into more things like Kubo but the main themes my speacial interests centre around are usualy things with themes of  action adventure, comedy and the main characters are usualy kids or teenagers but mainly kids adults are normaly the  more background characters for background plots. 

"camouflaged" is a good word. When I was tested, I was tested for "camouflaging". One type of camouflaging was "masking", but there are others too.

i wouldnt say camaflageing in that sense  but rather its more like they just cant see it its like they got a smokescreen or blind fold over  there  eyes preventing them from seeing whats right in front of them no matter how perfectly obvious or un obvious it they dont notice it. the only differance is im copying  a scene that i know from pokemon or harry potter or something

my brain due to my autism sees the world like im one of the main characters from pokemon or harry potter  its like im the main character and the other person is in the scene  i watched so im  saying things the way iv learned to say them from pokemon or harry potter maybe even some from my other speacial interests 

 to the other person its just a normal every day interaction but to me and for me it is normal and to not display any characteristics and implement things from what i watch wouldnt be me so its me being me. 

a variety of pokemon and Harry potter from the epesodes and seasons in pokemon and throughout the Harry potter movies from Harry potter has been implemented into my social interactions but as these are things iv allways said and the way iv allways said them when i talk to people 

lthe way i say wait amoung many other various other things that are considered  normal  part of every day things you say i have  copyed from say ash and harry potter 

and cause people are so used to what i say and the way i say them and the way i do them and the way i respond both verbaly and non verbaly and  cause iv been doing this for so long  it they dont pick up on it. 

cause i wanted to be ash ketchum and Harry Potter i mirored them imitating both what they say, how they say it,  there manarisms, body language and posture and i implemented all these into my social interactions so this became normal for me and when I implemented them I mimiced there voices when doing so aswell so  tones from certain scenes i like from pokemon or Harry potter  are also normal for me cause i been doing it since i was a kid.

Mum and Dad used to take pictures and film us  alot when i was younger all the way up until i was a teenager. and i still have the videos belive it or not although it could easily be passed off as something else the media scripting is notiable but its only cause i know what i was thinking at the time, how i felt and how i engaged with people. i didnt care weather there was a camara or not im just going to be myself and that i wont let anyone stop me being who i am is the kind of atitide iv allways had so i never hid anyhting both off and on camara i also didnt think about how i (looked) to others regdless of what im doing if im just being me so i didnt care less what anyone seeing any films of me would think i was the same off camara too so you can say iv allways been this way and for this reason iv een abke to see and notice when im media scripting and also comes out in photogrhss i have also drawn scenes from my spacial interests in my books where i keep all my drawing iv done ever snce i was a child. im the only one in both my family or anywhere that actly knows that i media script and its very disinctive to me but even as a teenager no one ever knew i media script. as of after i left secondary school and ater people didnt take much photos ext at family gatherings but my media scripts are both obvious when un aware and un aware but you can also tell how it can be not noticed by my family and others as i dont do it on purpose and behave the same way off camara

even though  im tired from yesterday  im still very anxious and im getting more and more anxious the closer it gets to Sunday.  nothing gets rid of my anxietys at the care home.   there allways there every day and they never go away.  no distractions work either cause the anxietys are based on real events that have ocured and have come to exspect to happen through encountering the same. my mind has learned if it ever forgets about it reality will wake you up by putting me  in the same situations over and over so my mind has learned from 10 years of repetition and what is normal for the care home even though what is normal with how they do things how they aproach certain situations and then theres the manager that i also feell like doesnt understand me and  how the manager also doesnt understand when it comes to changes amoung many other things and how i feell like actualy it isnt actualy the right place to help with my independance being cause of the way they do things in that respect too and feell like independance wise im actualy getting less indepedance than when i first started here but even that feedback isnt understood and if being here just causes me more and more stresess every year its just not for me 

 for this care home the perspectives mabe different say for other people in the care home but for me i find the normal here  isnt my normal that im used to and although  this care home may compliment alot of the people here in the care home with  there needs here it doesnt for me.  it doesnt mean its a bad care home for people with learning disabilitys it t just means that the envirement and the way it works just isnt for me for the way i think and the way my conditions manifest themselfs for my disabilitys in my case.   the thing is with care homes it doesnt matter what my familys opinions are about it  not all care homes will be suitable.  one size doesnt fit all. so the focus is finding one that is.   i have noticed every year that stresess moount up with the majority related to the care home. if they changed how things  worked in this specific care home they wouldnt be doing there job so one of the few hurdles i will have to get through if things go well and im told yes we will find another acomodation from my social worker next monday i will need to try and get people to understand that iit is on them it is just a matter where this just happens to be one of those places that turn out not to acomade me but that it  doesnt mean it wont be the right place for another as they could. take it the wrong way particularly since i tend to be reseved as a way of dealing with usualy being anxious here  

 i knowt that my anxietys are very real and due to the care home im in i know im going to run into all the many things that cause my anxietys  all daily at this care home  cause i know that alot of the factors  cause me stress and i know there to do with real stresess that wont ever go away in alot of cases and I also know  theres only one or 2  day left. i got tomarow then sunday Mum will be have you done the list yet probably if i havnt sent it to her yet 

thats ok. 

for me I still do media scripting iv allways done it since I was a child and i see it as part of my identity since it is part of my autism

Being able to talk for a long time about an interest and not knowing that other people have got bored is quite common to us all. Before I came more self-aware, I'd make the same joke about 50 times. It would get funnier to me, but less funny to other people.

 for me iv allways done that aswell ever since I was a child aswell but   I still do it.  

even though I have a learning disability I know that doesnt mean im not clever and intellegant its just a different way of thinking

 cause of my learning diaability i wallways worked best learning on my own compared to in a classroom with others it was also cause of my autism aswell though.

 i take my time when it comes to learning things cause I know that I have a learning disability and in the way i know suits my learning personaly to help me learn. i tend to learn things step by step and take my time i take the same aproach to my autism. sometimes i like to teach myself skills related to my speacial interest that i know alot about.

I find with my autistic interests even though i take my time if i want to learn skills cause of knowing i have a learning disability i find that i learn things like skills i want to learn related to my speacial interests quiet fast due to certain stregths that come with being on the autistic spectrum 

as a matter of interest im interested in things like  body language and behavior mainly in animals but used to be in people and therfore do know alot to an exstent even though the human side its not my speacial interest anymore due to not undertsanting it even though i knew what to look for.  even with having had an interest in it  i lack the undertsanding to understand when people arent interested so it seems no matter how much i know about it and even though im very observent too due to my autism i still dont undertsand why people arnt interested in my speacial interest and keep talking unable to pick up on these things even when exsplained to me due to being on the autistic spectrum. with all other speacial interests cause they dont have to do with the social aspect as such im very talented at them 

 im good at the things im interested in and im interested in lots of different things so i have alot of things i fixate on. due to my autism and i like learning and teaching myself new sklls aswell as working on ones im good at even though i know im very good at something due to haveing both my autism and  llearning disability i still like improving on what im already very good at aswell  

  something worth saying though is it tends to overshadow alot of the challanges a face that haveing a learning disability comes with and haveing Autism comes with simulataneously 

so i find  people can forget due to the positive aspects of my autism that are more visable that i do have these common traits 

 cause i only have a moderate learning disability im quiet able but people tend to act surprised about the fact im  intellegant since i have a learning disability.

 people know i can draw from memory and that i can remeber things from memeory to do with my speacial interest and life vents  so it doesnt pass people that im clever and intellegant but it shouldnt really surprise people just cause I have  a learning disability that im clever and intellegant

l just cause you have a learning disability doesnt mean your not intellegant as you mentioned previosly even though that was about something else.

 people dont find much  positives about my learning disability though they only see me for the afect it has on the llearning  aspect of haveing a learning disability

 i find haveing autism although having both conditions can be challangeing can aso come with unique gifts personaly like for instance i (still) havnt learned what you mentioned abouve the positive side is that i can remmeber things from movies and cartoons from memory even if it anoys people 

having a learning disability could of afected my autism and  also slowed down the ability to learn certain social skills more than if i didnt have autism due to the way my learning disability afects how what people say  comes in and gets processed through my mind even though its not social specific then of course i have my autism which afects my undertsanding of social situations so both could of played a role in my case even though that trait isnt part of my learning disability

but part of my autism i do know its a common trait but could i have fluent speech and i dont have a speech disorder and my learning disability is only moderate makeing me quiet  able people forget that these things are part of my autism even though they know it to be the case

but due to that it slows down my thought process and understanding  down and speech slightly. theres a 5 minute delay between haveing processed something and undertsanding what has been said. his has even been observed by a psycologist. iv been told by Mum my speach is slighly slower than average due to my learning disability also.  there is also certain things i dont undertsand due to my learning disability. 

iv also missed out on certain things  that i should have learned  cause i think differntly and  due to being behind my peers and due to learning differances the way i think and undertsand 

but i know what things i dont undertsand and  what things i do I also know what certain  skills most people will have learned by my age that everyone is exspected to have by a certain age that i have and havnt and certain things people are exspected to unerstand by certain ages what i have learned and havnt in those aspects of life skills amoung other things also 

although this is a seprate condition that ocurs alongside my autism and isnt social specific skill wise it probably also plays a role but it is cause of my autism. 

the scripting 

when I script  its a subconcious thing that i have done ever since i was a child  i know i do it but i know  theres nothing wrong with it.  i try to control myslef if it anoys my parents but even that doesnt feell right as its allways been part of me.  

It would be great to see some of your older cartoons. If you still have any.

where I said i have cartoons and movies of speacial interests i do but what i thought i added at the end but didnt is that what i thought you might find interesting is that i have my speacial interests play in my head sometimes over and over repeatedly  and that is what i meant but i could tell you about the old ones if you want  

I "media scripted" when I was very young, and when I was a bit older I did it a bit from comedy programs. I think this made it seem less strange to non-autistic people because it was funny if I didn't do it too much. I had not heard the term "media scripting" before, so thank you for telling us what it was called.

Being able to talk for a long time about an interest and not knowing that other people have got bored is quite common to us all. Before I came more self-aware, I'd make the same joke about 50 times. It would get funnier to me, but less funny to other people.

"camouflaged" is a good word. When I was tested, I was tested for "camouflaging". One type of camouflaging was "masking", but there are others too.

It would be great to see some of your older cartoons. If you still have any.

im tired from yesterday since I had an overwhelming day. I dont know what today is going to be like but it seems calmer other than the radio i can hear from the kitchen every day and all day from my room of course and general every day noises. 

out of curiosity I have been wondering. it can be fustraiting when you dont have a name you can give people like non autisitcs or anyone really to describe an exsperiance you have in relation to autism. i know about scripting cause the resident with pathological avoidance syndrome does it on a daily basis every day. hers is rather things that she has heard people say or people have told her and can be to the point of making conversation diffucult for the non autistics that look after us in the care home so try to encourage her to talk about other things if it gets to that point cause she repeats the same thing shes heard over and over again every minute, every hour, every day and every single  every month. 

the kind that I have however is camaflauged so not picked up by neurotypicals around me in spite of the fact it comes up in my social interactions both in and out of them on a subconcious level. i am aware of it and allways have been since iv done it since i was younger for me i dont tend to  copy what people say or from what i hear people say in casual conversation or day to day life 

in normal day to day life I do have echolalia but it is as before camfalaged and so just percieved as normal during day to day interaction. it can be  exspecialy proniment if im on my own sometimes even though i do it when not alone aswell.  ever since i was younger Iv allways copyed things from tv and i can also both tell people what happened in every movie or in a whole epesode or series.  movie I can for instance write or tell you what happened in every single movie from memory from Harry potter and the philospher stone to the deathly hallows just  as an examle or any other speaical interest i can also remeber facts from memory all these iv allways been able to do since ii was a child. 

during watching tv or after we have watched something with dad or watever i have repeated things or certain phrases from a caracter or favourate character alot  that my parents have got iritated by it but i dont ever know until they say regardless of weather in a car or at home or out and about  but cant actualy help it and have been told to stop it or have been told thats enough now. i often find this stressful. 

 when I go into all the details of something iv watched when shareing an interest or fact  and talk about it for a long time.  due to my autism I dont get bored by it but my Mum and Dad do get bored of it but i dint pick up on there body language or notice if someone is interested or not and dont understand why even if exsplained to me or told so dont pick up on verbal or non verbal cues  they arnt if they arnt and when they arnt and I  thefore ask why but still dont unserstand and of course still want to talk about it even though im clever and intellegant and able enough you would think this is the sort of scenerio that wouldnt happen cause of that and i would be exspected to undertsand this in social interaction regardless of my knoledge and undertsannding in various topics where you would exspect my to have certain social skills due to them some i do and some i dont but there are  those i dont due to being on the autistic spectrum 

 there are things i dont due to my autism and that i do struggle in and not mastered and when my autism does come in to play due to my autism i do display this autistic trait with the people i know and talk to people about my speacial interests anyway 

same thing happens with the staff 

but at the same time it is a gift as i remeber things from my speacial interests and what was said and done. 

i often have cartoons and movies of speacial interests with scenes from movies and cartoons alot and remmeber all the details 

but more on the echolalia side  the kind  i have is called media scripting 

alot of the words i use or the way i say them is from things i have watched and things i have implemented from things i watched when i was a child and things from what i copyed as a teenager also that i implemented into social interaction it often doesnt get picked up cause the words used are ones even people not on cartoons or film may use or even if they are come across as so normal that no one would pick up on it. iv found theres more info on why of scripting and the form of scripting where people copy other people rather than media scripting in autism 

it  is. yes I dont know how long Mum actualy takes but acording to Mum it only took an hour to do her hair even though she was out for 5 hours.  but she said this was cause she went to a  shop and then drove back to the house  aparantly. 

 I havnt had a good day today though unfortunatly so  I havnt made as much progress with the list as i hoped unfortunatly today.

this morning I was comfused cause i saw Mum during the week  when its usualy at weekends so I acidently went out this morning when it would of been better to stay in.  

I normaly stay in to settle back in. the walk went ok I didnt want to walk far though and we didnt have long to walk, sometime later on after the walk  i had chest pain sometime when I got back but  it went away eventualy and then after lunch it set off for this reason I thought i would ask the staff for paracetamol after lunch 

but the staff was going to be phoning the doctors to sort the tablet thing out so we talked about that then I went back upstairs  but  then remmbered to let her know about my chest pain so that i can have a paracetamel for it. so I did. she thought it was just stress so wouldnt give me a paracetamol.  she thought it would be due to what we discussed with her  weather i should go with people im comfortable with or not in relation to seeing the doctor about increasing the mood tablets. 

but then  when i said it started when i got back before lunch time she became melo dramatic and started talking about A and E even though theres lots of reasons why you can get chest pain.  she said to let her know if it still hurts later at 2  so I just walked off cause  it does normaly get better if I have chest pain and its not unusual for me. 

I went up to my room but I heard her leave later  which meant I then wasnt sure what was going on cause it was only  half an hour until 2. I can hear absoloutly everything in the house which can get abit much sometimes. its like being surounded by noises non stop for the majority of the day with no way to get away from it  even in your room.

I I was also Anxious cause Iv allways had anxiety about doctors.  but particukarly hospitals to the point i wont go without Mum. so I was also anxious  of the word A and E and not knowing what will happen that  then triggered high levels of anxiety in case the staff  send me to A and E  regardless of if i tell her its better when its better then I had  everything else going on on top of that so already being anxious anyway

it added an exstra layer of anxiety ontop of all the other many anxietys and my anxiety about the A and E rose so high that the thought of waiting until she gets back  could be a long time was overwhelming and the anxiety climbed higher and higher  each time  until it got too high and intense in too a short a time frame for me to process them properly.  so eventualy I naturaly and  instinctively  got upset cause the anxiety got too high and intense and overwhelming and i knew i couldnt do anything until she got back and its that that caused a  breakdown so I got upset and felt like that for a  long time 

it took more than an hour for my body to calm down and regulate itself.  some time  later after she got back i planned on telling her  cause I had calmed down.  the reason for this is cause its easyer to communicate when your not upset and your more regulated. 

 then I went down and let her know the chest pain was better as it normaly gets better.  if i get one which lifted my anxiety and she then put it down to stress. but it can also be if i havnt gone for a walk for a long time and only been driving to places then walking which is the case here.

there isnt allways just one cause  there tneds to be more than one factor. i was also tired from  this morning and that can bring on this sort of thing aswell. 

but then i still had the tablet thing to be sorted out which meant a  long time wondering if its been done yet and weather they have phoned the doctors.   I also had to think about weather to go with staff and who im comfortable with or not.

so  I had to decide if she does phone them if  i will go with staff im comfortable with then it will be harder to make an apointement but if i go with anyone then it will be easyer and quicker. i chose the first and i let her know that. 

 I  kept  in my mind that my body was not quiet 100 percent back to normal yet and so any other stresses could  trigger another breackdown so I had to be careful about it 

it can take a long time  for my emotions to regulate entirely  back to baseline  sometimes if not a couple of hours then  a day or two.  partiularly when overwhelmed. 

tthe fact it can take a long time  is one of the reasons why i try to take steps to prevent becoming overhwelmed and also  i have a strong  tendancy to try and control my emotions or keep emotions in check and to be reserved.  i dont have any control over that trait i have cause its so normal and this trait is why i can be dead pan. 

but even though  im good at this you cant allways prevent breackdowns regardless of weather its sensory related or not  and its inivatble that it will happen at some point and its your bodys way of dealing with stress. 

because of my autism i can easily get overwhelmed. this has allways been part of my autism 

and its allways been my response to either overwhelm or too much sensory overload since i was a child 

something worth mentioning aswell is when your anxious that can also make you more physicaly  vigilant and alert than you would normly be.  your brain responds this way when stressed amd with your senses makes them more vigilant, alert or sensitive to   stimulation in your envirement aswell when anxious

you can get a double whammy when your hypersenitive to stimuli  as your senitive enough  and alert enough to your envirement already as it is so then you get a visious cycle which then worsens the anxiety. 

 when this happens for my natural reaction is to leave but its not allways possible to leave a situation weather physicaly or emotionaly. one of the most anxious situations iv ever been in when it comes to being overwhelmed is feelling like you cant leave a room or situation when your highly anxious as that can eventualy make you overwhelmed but exspecialy when  overhwelmed for any reason cause then theres no where to go and it can make the feelling of overwhelm alot worse. 

iv been in a couple of situations similar to this and it tends to make things alot worse usualy its if your in a room with doors closed with the situation that is causeing anxiety or overwhelm or say if your in a car and the doors are closed cause the cars driveing.

when it comes to being overwhelmed  it helps to have an escape from over stimulation if you ever get overhwelmed otherwise it can make you even more overwhelmed.  

so iv had a very eventful day today and i didnt exspect that when i woke up today 

eventualy the staff member I reminded her again later on about the tablet that was going to be calling the doctors about my tablet did call them by late afternoon  but belive it or not it was made for late November - I dont know how on earth that is going to go it depends if im still here or havnt moved yet unless the spointment would still be valid even if i left obviously. 

hopefuly i get more done with the list  tomarow or Saturday  if things get better than today.

I'm glad that you still had a nice time at home. You have reminded me of my mum. Her hair was very important to her!

I hope that you you are making progress on your reasons for the social worker. Even if it's just noting some things down, or looking at your posts on here. You have said quite a lot in this thread - some of it may help you.

I ususaly take pictures when I go to the cemetry but cause wilber is reactive to other dogs and i wanted wilber but also needed my drink i wasnt able to.

the trip I did enjoy it but could of been better as Dad decided to let Alphie off the lead and chase the wildlife stateing that its fun and he likes it leading me to need to reason with him and say when you walk the dog you need to respect wildlife aswell as they deserve to do there own thing and go about there daily lifes just as much as we do and being chased is classed as disturbance and can be stressful for them and the dogs are un natural predators aswell and ended up having to ask him to put alphie on a lead like the others as he chased a crow aswell as a squirrel and if he wont obey instructions before chasing something oor you cant control your dog you need to put him back on the lead but I enjoyed the trip with wilber other than that incident. 

I nornaly have water or juice or hot chocolate.  i dont like coffee or tea and never drink it. i also never drink alcoholic drinks either and never have done in the past. if its juice i prefer apple or blackcurrent  on average i drink water every day mostly. 

with the what i said in my other comment by the way the main  reason I dont talk to Mum about the care home is mainly cause Mum doesnt understand the reasons why im not happy there and I consider both the care home and home  as seperate things and this is what is causeing my discomfort with shareing the many reasons including ones i havnt mentioned.

i havnt gone into detail about how the care home works and the why of it makes it unsuitable in that specific context other than other things i thought would be of mroe interest  besides that  and havnt told Mum and gone into detail about how the care home works and the why of it makes it unsuitable in that context or any other context either ias Mum wont understand that either and im not sure if the social worker will also and im worried about the whole thing backfireing or something if i do send the list i make to Mum for the social worker and I only have 4 days left.

the reason for my worry is that iv been keeping quiet about the social worker and Mum to the staff as im worried they will interfere or do things that they think are helpful but arnt and sabotage the effort and team work for leaving the care home and think that would be more comfortable without the staff being involved cause of this. 

the main reason being is like Mum they have a different view on how i feell in the care home even though the reality for me is actualy different no matter what there view is on it. 

my worry is what if me and her get to the moving out of the care home stage then the staff  get told and get a shock then slow things down or even prevent the outcome enitrely even though allowing the move to go ahead would be in my best interest. iv never really been very emotionaly open to my Mum anyway about what i do away from home even when younger and when your not emotionaly open to someone or feell like there could be potential for mis understanding even if its a parent then your going to be hesitant to send what you have written and my social worker doesnt undertsand this and that is why shes still insistant i send the list to her rather than meet up even if or when she comes back. 

Im wrting the list at my care home rather than at home

cause when im at home i think of home and not the care home otherwise i get endless stressful thoughts going through my head about the care home I cant control  at home and it then makes it hard to enjoy my time at home which i dont want nor need. those are things im suposed to have a breack from.

 being at home I can take a breack away from the troubles i have at the care home when i go home. as soon as i go to the care home i have to face them and no longer surpress them.  I dont usualy look forward to going back to the care home cause it means I have to deal with  all the stress  i deal with at the care home that I know from being here for 10 years  i and them cant change and cant do anything about and i know the only option left now after 10 years here  is to leave the care home cause im not happy there and staying at the care home isnt doing good for my mental health in the long term 

 cause i think of the care home when at the care home so that i can enjoy it when i go home that is why im doing it at the care home and not at home. Mum will be sending the letter of before Monday and the day i need to send it by is fast aproaching as each day pasess.

today is 4 days until Sunday.  Thursday it will be only be 3. 

the only positive that has happened so far in relation to this thing I need to sort out is that things went better than I thought at home and i wasnt preassured about anything. which means im unlikely to be discouraged about my list in that sense and  everything was normal like any other day i go home and although there was one conflict at home today with Dad to do with watching tv and an instruction i was given by Mum to make sure of somethig in relation to Dad and Max one of the dogs feelling poorly  most of the day it was ok and normal. Mum spend what seemed like 5 hours having a haircut so i spent most of the day with dad and didnt see  her for most of the afternoon since she went out for a couple of hours after lunch  

aparantly she went to the shop after her hair cut which is why she took so long even though she only went for a haircut 

It's nice that you spent time with Wilbur too. What drink was it? Do you have favourite foods and drinks?