Breakdown?

Hi can I make a suggestion and I maybe completely wrong but could you have an alcohol issue?

You could maybe try calling A.A.

I admit I am very alcohol dependent but I feel the way I described when I feel sober also

Disregarding the alcohol. I feel almost identical to how you do at the moment. I hate everyone. I feel like everyone is unintentionally stupid with their thinking. I have to constantly bend to their way of thinking or rules otherwise I’m deemed as toxic or I hurt them accidentally when I am unmasking. I have no where safe to unmask and be myself other than completely on my own. It is horrible. I feel like the only safe way to live without judgement or others telling me I’m thinking wrong is to be completely alone and no one else gets it. I’ve literally just come on this site to see if anyone else feels similar because it is making me feel suicidal. I feel like autistic people “don’t belong on earth” according to everyone else around me. I always offend or hurt others when unmasked but neurotypicals outrageous behavior is deemed as “it’s everyone’s first time living oops”. My feelings and thoughts are immediately cast as “she’s autistic ignore her, her brain doesn’t think right” when actually, some of what I feel or think seems a lot more valid and fair than neurotypical??? I’m sorry you’re struggling because it is the most lonely feeling ever. No one can understand. But I’m also feeling slightly relieved someone else feels similar to me. So thank you. 

Like I said I am very good at masking and it is a privileged despite being exhausting. So that is what helps me mostly, I also enjoy my field immensely and care about helping people so that’s my drive. I struggle to do 5 days but I only just cope, I have meltdowns at home but I can cope in work. It’s tiring but I have to due to my financial situations. I get discriminated against by my manager who’s ill informed about autism and disabilities in general. the rest I don’t understand at all and dislike immensely :(

Did you say you have a job? how do you manage it, I have had a job before and I struggled immensely.

I take antidepressants and multiple other things but not for sleep. I have lots of health issues so it just would add to the pile. :( 

Are you medication? it seems to help me sleep

These are things I am struggling with too I can’t sleep properly anymore from them and I wake up not wanting to be alive. There needs to be more autistic support in terms of that. I feel lost I imagine you do to. I’m sorry. I feel very relieved that I am not the only one that feels this way. Everyone around me made me feel as though my feelings are completely invalid and my autism is the only explanation when actually people are dickhesds sometimes and it’s not my autism they are just knobs

Thats also exactly how I have been recently, apart from the setting boundaries part. I have always been slightly good at setting boundaries however I do have a very nasty streak that comes out when I feel wronged. And I always want revenge over others for doing me wrong. These feelings of revenge have ate me up inside recently. 

I have got a very nice new autistic friend who is a wonderful person through and through. I have been keeping them at arms length right now though as o don’t want to unmask and hurt them or for them to end up being like the others. So I am no wholeheartedly investing as of yet. But we have a very wholesome friendship so far

I have got a very nice new autistic friend who is a wonderful person through and through. I have been keeping them at arms length right now though as o don’t want to unmask and hurt them or for them to end up being like the others. So I am no wholeheartedly investing as of yet. But we have a very wholesome friendship so far

Very similar, more on the I hate them aspect because I had built up resentment, I couldn’t set boundaries and they were feeding off me by getting away with murder. They’d abuse me and I didn’t have the confidence to stop them. When I finally did or called out their shitty behaviors, they called me toxic and moved on. I’d still be sat with my resentment or I’d retaliate tenfold and then their wrongdoings would be completely allowed as I’ve reacted incorrectly and I was the problem all along. I think it goes deeper than that but that’s how it felt most of my life lol. I have always been good at taking accountability for when I am genuinely in the wrong. But when I feel injusticed I hold grudges or get extremely upset. 

Well personally, I think I'm well and truly done with others. I have become very nihilistic towards others. They are ***! I have had many friends before and tried socialising on many levels, but ultimately people hate me or I hate them. Whats your friendship history like?

Nope, it’s all in the face of “avoiding conflict” there’s no reward for masking other than not being discriminated which should be the standard. And yes I smoke cigs, not loads a day to be fair, depends on how stressed I am, I’d say 5-10. I don’t drink alcohol, maybe once every 6 months. People don’t make sense, but it’s not our job to try and make sense of them. We just need to focus on learning how to avoid as much interaction with them as possible (toxic people) and how to cope when an unavoidable conflict arises. Ways that can soothe us no matter how daft it looks for others, or how it doesn’t make sense to them 

You smoke? I suppose thats better than drinking an entire pub load of alcohol like I do. At least smoking doesn't get you until trouble. I'm sick of masking also, it feels as if you dont get treated with any respect when you do.

Also, you are allowed to hate the world, hate everyone. They are being dickhesds. 
I am in the midst of confusion and like I said suicidal about it all at the moment. So I don’t have any good advice. BUT I can imagine it’s best that we allow ourselves to feel the rage and hatered as it’s valid. But we mustn’t sit in it for too long. Or it will consume and ruin us, it won’t ruin the asshiles heads, just ours. I imagine we need to find a way to distance ourselves from those toxic and stupid and cruel whilst also giving space to be content and at peace with it, and not bitter. Just content being alone and away from them. And there are people like us! As we’ve seen today. We are not alone, just we all live away from eachother. Our feelings are valid. We need to learn to push out toxic people and enter calm on our own. 

I’m really sorry, that’s a lot to deal with. And with nobody on your side, I can imagine it’s the worst feeling ever. This weekend I have sworn off all friendships and decided in work I’m just going to have to mask again and be exhausted. I started unmasking recently and it was wonderful until others were affected by it/me. I even quit smoking because I had more energy and happiness when unmasked. But after I received massive backlash for being “different than how I usually am” or “different” I have gone back to masking and feel miserable. I don’t want to make friends or anything I don’t want to hurt people by being myself. I’ll just have to be fake around others and never get close. I’m smoking again to cope with masking and the draining effect of it. It also helps me cope with hating everyone lol. My partner is so so supportive but I still feel an innate guilt for existing and unmasking and being a bother with needs around him. He says it doesn’t bother him but it bothers me. So I even feel like pushing him away sometimes. But I would say, with the people really dear to you, and ones that aren’t assholes. Communication is key. Have time to sit with them and discuss your needs and theirs, how you can implement them to benefit you both (this includes in friendships) 

I absolutely understand it. I have been having issues recently about similar things. It seems to me like I cannot get away with the slightest eccentric or silly behaviour but others seem to get away with far worse?! It feels as though I am being penalised for being who I am. I have taken drastic measures and now I isolate myself from others 90-95% of the time as I no longer feel capable of being around others. I have had a problem with a couple of individuals in the past year and when I have retaliated back at those people I am seen as the one in the wrong! This was the straw that broke the camels back! I can no longer tolerant people.

Malicious* 

that’s really kind thank you. And that really angers me when people say “it’s not an excuse” NO IT ISNT BUT IT IS AN EXPLANATION. Unlike neurotypicals our behaviour is not from melodious intent it is due to being overwhelmed and judged all the time. I’m sorry you’re going through that

Well you’re absolutely not alone. And you’re not being stupid. We’re not being stupid. We have 40% more stimuli that were in touch with day to day compared to the neurotypical brain. They would not cope with our wiring but act like we need to and it’s “not that hard”. They get away with loads. I had a neurotypical in my work accuse someone else of sexual asalt and then came out and said “nevermind I lied lol” and she wasn’t fired???? Wasn’t given a disciplinary or anything and everyone has moved on and likes her again. I cannot move on from it and see her as the awful human she is. But I’ve been told I’m “too autistic to understand, and hold unnecessary grudges” like yes????? I would’ve been fired if I did that, I would also not be able to live with myself behaving like that!!! But I’ve been told it’s normal life things and my autism is making me see it wrong. I don’t understand anyone at all and I sometimes feel like everyone around me is stupid. It’s so isolating. We get penalized for h panicking when overwhelmed with 40% more stimuli and stressors around us than NT’s. 

absolutely unfair world. 

Thats also kind of the way Im feeling. I couldnt describe it as such but you are correct. When Im being stupid its not acceptable but when others are being stupid thats all well and good!

Please try not to feel suicidal autistic people in my view are kinder than the non populations

I am having a rubbish time at the moment but intend to win.I have the council on my back the police on my back all because some neighbours in my view do not and do not want to understand autism.i get comments like it does not matter it does not excuse I am constantly judged by how so called normal people behave.

Please lets work together and win this 

Please try not to feel suicidal autistic people in my view are kinder than the non populations

I am having a rubbish time at the moment but intend to win.I have the council on my back the police on my back all because some neighbours in my view do not and do not want to understand autism.i get comments like it does not matter it does not excuse I am constantly judged by how so called normal people behave.

Please lets work together and win this 

Malicious* 

that’s really kind thank you. And that really angers me when people say “it’s not an excuse” NO IT ISNT BUT IT IS AN EXPLANATION. Unlike neurotypicals our behaviour is not from melodious intent it is due to being overwhelmed and judged all the time. I’m sorry you’re going through that