Published on 12, July, 2020
I dont know whats going on in my head. I feel this strange sense of spiralling and wanting to break off contact with family. All I want to do is drink alcohol and withdraw. I despise others and have nothing but contempt for everything and everyone. I feel as though people around me secretly hate me and only want to interact me due to pity. I dont have any enthusiam or love for life or optimism for the future. I have tried to reach out for help but nobody is taking me seriously. I have been to therapy many times during my adult life and teenage years and I have been on several different medications.Talking just doesnt help. I'm not saying I want to end my life but at the same time I hate existing. I dont find anything enjoyable or funny anymore. I find it very hard to experience positive emotions while all I feel is negative emotions. While I know nobody has the answer, what I would like to know, who else feels like this? And if you did feel like this what did you do to change it?
Hi can I make a suggestion and I maybe completely wrong but could you have an alcohol issue?
You could maybe try calling A.A.
I admit I am very alcohol dependent but I feel the way I described when I feel sober also
Disregarding the alcohol. I feel almost identical to how you do at the moment. I hate everyone. I feel like everyone is unintentionally stupid with their thinking. I have to constantly bend to their way of thinking or rules otherwise I’m deemed as toxic or I hurt them accidentally when I am unmasking. I have no where safe to unmask and be myself other than completely on my own. It is horrible. I feel like the only safe way to live without judgement or others telling me I’m thinking wrong is to be completely alone and no one else gets it. I’ve literally just come on this site to see if anyone else feels similar because it is making me feel suicidal. I feel like autistic people “don’t belong on earth” according to everyone else around me. I always offend or hurt others when unmasked but neurotypicals outrageous behavior is deemed as “it’s everyone’s first time living oops”. My feelings and thoughts are immediately cast as “she’s autistic ignore her, her brain doesn’t think right” when actually, some of what I feel or think seems a lot more valid and fair than neurotypical??? I’m sorry you’re struggling because it is the most lonely feeling ever. No one can understand. But I’m also feeling slightly relieved someone else feels similar to me. So thank you.
Well its been good talking to you this evening. I will hopefully speak to you again soon. Im going to sign out for tonight. Hope you have a nice evening. Goodnight.
I’m sorry, that’s terrible for you. But please don’t think I’m more composed. I never feel calm, I never feel happy, all I do is smoke and sleep, I am filled with rage and high heart rate everyday, I’m more of a cry my eyes out kind of person instead of slam doors, but I still get urges to throw things. I used to self harm daily to cope, but I am clean at the moment (I do not advise this it’s not healthy either) it doesn’t make you feel any better. You are doing amazing with what you’ve got and the knowledge you have, and you are trying your best and that’s the most composed and honorable thing you can do. Being authentic is a gift you should nurture. I try to when I am. We are all just trying to get by with what we have and know.
It sounds slightly familiar. I am very self critical myself but I tend to deal with things in ways that are not healthy. I get angry and slam doors, I sweat and shout and throw things. But in all fairness it sounds like you have a better handle on things compared to me. At least you have a job and can be around others which is a good thing. I wish to have that level of composure in my life.
I have been late diagnosed, so I have only very recently learned about shutdowns and meltdowns, I was just told all my life I have anger issues or am a knob.
it feels like you just described and also I get very very self critical, like nothing will get better, no one will understand me, I am alone, I’m going to be told off for not functioning. It’s all self guilt, shame and also rage towards people being ignorant and dickheads. I want to just smack everyone up. It’s a very normal common experience for autistics I believe.
I also get lightheaded, struggle to move, feel heavy, breathless and I also have to flap my wrists or arms about and repeatedly say “I’m okay, I’m okay” and if anyone sees me or comes near me I go apeshit because I feel embarrassed/mortified. Does any of that make sense? I tend to yap
How do you feel when you have meltdowns? because I feel like lashing out and destroying everyone and everything in sight
It does get me through the day, but as soon as I get home I crash, and it’s no good.
And smoking* lol. I also go out at lunch on my own or I sit in a private room, I never sit in staff room and conserve because I know it’ll make me struggle more and requires more energy and focus or I nap at lunch time. I also always wear loose clothing on work days to ensure fabrics and tightness doesn’t irritate and overwhelm me. It’s all about reducing the risk of meltdowns or shutdowns
So masking alone is good enough to get you through the day? I'm good at masking, really good to the point were nobody realises I have aspergers
It’s mainly finding a role you are passionate about and has a schedule that you can manage with and allows accommodations where needed. If you can only mentally do 3 days, don’t push further than that. There’s plenty of places that can offer you that kind of support. And laws are in place to protect you where necessary. But pushing past your limit or comfort It’s not worth it, I’m only stuck doing 5 because of financial commitments, it’s horrible to do so often.
Like I said I am very good at masking and it is a privileged despite being exhausting. So that is what helps me mostly, I also enjoy my field immensely and care about helping people so that’s my drive. I struggle to do 5 days but I only just cope, I have meltdowns at home but I can cope in work. It’s tiring but I have to due to my financial situations. I get discriminated against by my manager who’s ill informed about autism and disabilities in general. the rest I don’t understand at all and dislike immensely :(
Did you say you have a job? how do you manage it, I have had a job before and I struggled immensely.
I take antidepressants and multiple other things but not for sleep. I have lots of health issues so it just would add to the pile. :(
Are you medication? it seems to help me sleep
These are things I am struggling with too I can’t sleep properly anymore from them and I wake up not wanting to be alive. There needs to be more autistic support in terms of that. I feel lost I imagine you do to. I’m sorry. I feel very relieved that I am not the only one that feels this way. Everyone around me made me feel as though my feelings are completely invalid and my autism is the only explanation when actually people are dickhesds sometimes and it’s not my autism they are just knobs
Thats also exactly how I have been recently, apart from the setting boundaries part. I have always been slightly good at setting boundaries however I do have a very nasty streak that comes out when I feel wronged. And I always want revenge over others for doing me wrong. These feelings of revenge have ate me up inside recently.
I have got a very nice new autistic friend who is a wonderful person through and through. I have been keeping them at arms length right now though as o don’t want to unmask and hurt them or for them to end up being like the others. So I am no wholeheartedly investing as of yet. But we have a very wholesome friendship so far