Published on 12, July, 2020
Hmmm.......so 4 months into my 'diagnosed' state (48yo), and I'm not feeling a whole heap of acceptance. I am still feeling quite bitter and resentful. Everything I see around me in life and at work seems to have been, and continues to be, designed with a slightly different species in mind.
I have started reading this forum more often, even though I'm scared of keep seeing my reflection in these threads, and am following some overtly divergent contributors on Facebook. I was skeptical that at my age, with my history, that I could somehow find 'inner peace' (I mean, really - what the hell is that even supposed to mean?), but at the moment I'm heading in the opposite direction. Those long-cherished hopes of finding the right therapy, the right antidepressant to 'sort me out' seem absurd.
I recall seeing a quite old entry on here where a user refers to feeling much better about the state of things 4 years in. FOUR YEARS? (yes, I am shouting). I don't think I can maintain even the current crumbling facade for another 3+ years. Especially now I recognize the effort I am putting in, and the energy this costs me.
JamesB said:designed with a slightly different species in mind
I can identify with this sentiment too.
Although short on guidance upon how long to achieving acceptance - there are stepping stones of progress to be achieved at your own pace.
The challenge, as a late identified / diagnosed Autistic adult - how best (for you) to begin discovering / re-discovering the real person who is "Autistic you". Acknowledging that journey is not linear, more of a process.
For me it has become really important to find an environment likely to reduce my concerns about the slightly different species.
In my case that means I need to remember to schedule into each week: real time to myself - maybe outside somewhere not too busy with people, or indoors absorbed by an interest of good distraction.
This time alone can give you the lower-stressed window within which to let your own thoughts percolate through the "noise" of the (suits them only) guff those around you from the slightly different species may have imposed over the prior week.
I am not advocating meditation or mindfulness (as some people may not react positively to those techniques).
Rather, what I aim for is more like a daytime version of accepting a dream while doing something you do not find stressful - during which state of mind you let your mind untangle the guff and work out what a more suitable version / style of doing things would ideally be for the newly appreciated "Autistic you".
It is not about perfection, rumination, imposter-syndrome, being pedantic, "fitting in", or just parking things. More, it is about thinking things through in piece and quiet (of mind, not necessarily sound), at your own speed of processing, without "helpful" suggestions from the slightly different species, starting to work out what might better for you, coming up with ideas for tools and techniques or strategies to plan for an experiment at some stage, it is about finding an Autistic-friendly route out of what you had been experiencing before you came to understand you are an Autistic person.
At first this process can seem baffling / frustrating and that is OK. However, what is unhelpful can be if you are unreasonably tough on yourself so early in your endeavour. Try to pace yourself, if at all possible.
After some iterations, that time alone with your own thoughts and musings may come to feel more of a luxury / indulgence (in the positive sense).
You may start to find your priorisation of these spaces in your calendar becomes an important contribution to your wellbeing as you acclimatise to starting to own "my own version of Autistic me".
Along the way, only when you feel ready, there are options, choices and decisions to encounter and deploy around to whom / in which settings you might derive benefit from disclosing you are Autistic and seek applying some reasonable adjustments to aid your thriving within those environments or relationships you would otherwise find a challenge (or likely to adopt a mask akin to the slightly different species).
Disclosure about your Autism is a very personal choice. I believe it is not something to be rushed.
In some ways, I tend to think about whether or not to disclose your Autism as being a topic to be approached with care - a bit like some of the other characteristics of our personal lives (you would not always be wise telling a nosy random stranger etc. about your personal finances, your security arrangements, your sexuality, your physical or mental health situation, where you live or give out your mobile number etc ).
I feel there is a risk / benefit balance to be considered (particularly when you are still adjusting to the news, exploring what it means to you and learning to plot your course through becoming at ease with your personal Autistic self for improved outcomes).
In some circumstances you may judge it would be unwise to disclose (now, for a while, or ever). That might seem less than ideal - although, it may become something you grow into feeling more comfortable about in a wider range of settings / relationships - as you gain experience of "Autistic you".
Acceptance is bound up in many of these facets.
At first it can seem almost like a person trying to use a mirror in a very humid bathroom. They know if they were to wipe the condensation off the mirror surface they will see their reflection. At first, in the highest humidity, they are only getting brief glimpses ...before the condensation re-fogs the mirror all too quickly. After a while the image in the mirror clears for longer - enough to afford a clearer view for a longer time.
Acceptance is achievable - unfortunately, it is a person journey for which it is very difficult to define the timeframe.