So how long does this "acceptance" sh*t take then?

Hi James,

I can relate to your comments.I got diagnosed this year at aged 54 however i have known I was different shall we say all my life.

I have had apart from when my mum dies the worst year of my life.I don't think it is helpful to try and work out how long acceptance takes.In my opinion it is a journey and you will have good and bad days.I try and go with the flow when  good and try what I can do on the bad days.I am afraid most people not in our community are unkind and make stupid comments .Keep going we all route for you on here

Self-acceptance is a huge issue, both for those of us with autism and in the gay community and for any of those of us who are “different” in some way, in coming to terms with and accepting the reality of our situation, which can be very difficult in some areas and can lead to a lot of conflict with others who simply refuse to understand life in any other ways except in the narrowest of terms 

JamesB said:

designed with a slightly different species in mind

I can identify with this sentiment too.

Although short on guidance upon how long to achieving acceptance - there are stepping stones of progress to be achieved at your own pace.

The challenge, as a late identified  / diagnosed Autistic adult - how best (for you) to begin discovering / re-discovering the real person who is "Autistic you".  Acknowledging that journey is not linear, more of a process.

For me it has become really important to find an environment likely to reduce my concerns about the slightly different species.

In my case that means I need to remember to schedule into each week: real time to myself - maybe outside somewhere not too busy with people, or indoors absorbed by an interest of good distraction.

This time alone can give you the lower-stressed window within which to let your own thoughts percolate through the "noise" of the (suits them only) guff those around you from the slightly different species may have imposed over the prior week.

I am not advocating meditation or mindfulness (as some people may not react positively to those techniques). 

Rather, what I aim for is more like a daytime version of accepting a dream while doing something you do not find stressful - during which state of mind you let your mind untangle the guff and work out what a more suitable version / style of doing things would ideally be for the newly appreciated "Autistic you". 

It is not about perfection, rumination, imposter-syndrome, being pedantic, "fitting in", or just parking things.  More, it is about thinking things through in piece and quiet (of mind, not necessarily sound), at your own speed of processing, without "helpful" suggestions from the slightly different species, starting to work out what might better for you, coming up with ideas for tools and techniques or strategies to plan for an experiment at some stage, it is about finding an Autistic-friendly route out of what you had been experiencing before you came to understand you are an Autistic person.

At first this process can seem baffling / frustrating and that is OK.  However, what is unhelpful can be if you are unreasonably tough on yourself so early in your endeavour.  Try to pace yourself, if at all possible.

After some iterations, that time alone with your own thoughts and musings may come to feel more of a luxury / indulgence (in the positive sense). 

You may start to find your priorisation of these spaces in your calendar becomes an important contribution to your wellbeing as you acclimatise to starting to own "my own version of Autistic me".  

Along the way, only when you feel ready, there are options, choices and decisions to encounter and deploy around to whom / in which settings you might derive benefit from disclosing you are Autistic and seek applying some reasonable adjustments to aid your thriving within those environments or relationships you would otherwise find a challenge (or likely to adopt a mask akin to the slightly different species). 

Disclosure about your Autism is a very personal choice.  I believe it is not something to be rushed.

In some ways, I tend to think about whether or not to disclose your Autism as being a topic to be approached with care - a bit like some of the other characteristics of our personal lives (you would not always be wise telling a nosy random stranger etc. about your personal finances, your security arrangements, your sexuality, your physical or mental health situation, where you live or give out your mobile number etc ). 

I feel there is a risk / benefit balance to be considered (particularly when you are still adjusting to the news, exploring what it means to you and learning to plot your course through becoming at ease with your personal Autistic self for improved outcomes).

In some circumstances you may judge it would be unwise to disclose (now, for a while, or ever).  That might seem less than ideal - although, it may become something you grow into feeling more comfortable about in a wider range of settings / relationships - as you gain experience of "Autistic you".

Acceptance is bound up in many of these facets.

At first it can seem almost like a person trying to use a mirror in a very humid bathroom.  They know if they were to wipe the condensation off the mirror surface they will see their reflection.  At first, in the highest humidity, they are only getting brief glimpses ...before the condensation re-fogs the mirror all too quickly.  After a while the image in the mirror clears for longer - enough to afford a clearer view for a longer time.  

Acceptance is achievable - unfortunately, it is a person journey for which it is very difficult to define the timeframe.

Iain said:

That would make a good thread all on its own I think.

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/31170/what-s-gender

TheCatWoman said:

I'm still learning what the triggers on this site are, anything to do with gender seems to be one, which is a shame as it and the societal expectations that go with it are pertinent to autistics.

That would make a good thread all on its own I think.

It is odd that so many autists tend to be quite black and white (or binary) in their logic yet the current trend in gender identity requires non-binary thinking.

I'm not inviting discussion on this thread but why not start one and we can see if the perception issues of neurodivergents become clearer?

One advantage is that is anyone starts to bring gender identity into a thread then they can be directed to the main thread to discuss it there, thus preventing unwanted branches.

Only a thought.

TBF, "veering off at a tangent" is what some of us seem to do and enjoy quite a lot!

I also believed from his style of writing that the O/P would appreciate a bit of "humour" being added to dilute the grim reality that Lestat presented with his KUNG-FU TV show derived meme.  

I'd like to know how the original poster feels I / we have treated his post...  

No it wasn't you Iain. I just get fed up when we seem to be having a normal discussion and then something happens and it veers off at a tangent that dosen't feel helpful to the OP or respectful. I'm still learning what the triggers on this site are, anything to do with gender seems to be one, which is a shame as it and the societal expectations that go with it are pertinent to autistics.

thanks IS! this is what will help our newly arrived kin.

Keep going it is a marathon I have been very unwell mentally for 12 months or so.If I look back to last year my anxiety OCD and undiagnosed autism were raging.With medication I would describe it as a controlled fire now.

I wish I could give you a time table I want one of them.My mission is to educate as if non neurodivergent people would be kind and accept life would be better

JamesB said:

I recall seeing a quite old entry on here where a user refers to feeling much better about the state of things 4 years in. FOUR YEARS? (yes, I am shouting). I don't think I can maintain even the current crumbling facade for another 3+ years. Especially now I recognize the effort I am putting in, and the energy this costs me.

Uhane is right, and by way of apology for my previous conduct let me say, that your experince mirrors my own, AND you have put your finger very neatly on the down side of learning that you are Autistsic. 

I'm nearly four years in now, and a large degree of my self identity has returned, and in some ways I have been enriched by the experience, yet in others very much humbled.

It doesn't all get magicaly better, it does not get worse post diagnosis, as far as I can see.  

HOWEVER, having effectvely lived over a half century effectively fighting the battle of life with only one hand (autism) and being blidnfolded, (partly the autism partly not knowing I had it) my victories seem sweeter and my failures less "searing". 

Life dealt me a crap hand, and i've played it reasonably well whilst figuring out the game as I went along... 

TheCatWoman said:

I don't see any humour in this thread.

I'll be serious then.

I had been joking as the "amusing saings" branch of this thread had gone a bit Monty Python so I was continuing in that theme.

I apologise if this wasn't conveyed sufficiently clearly.

My acceptance of being autistic came when I was very small.  and adults would talk about me in front of me. I was always going to be the weird one. It was decided at that time that I couldnt' be autistic because I was female (this was in th 1950s) and so many other handles were attached, none that fit me.

      So - For me to finally get the external affirmation that. i was, yes autistic and to be in a world that is now slowly accepting that as a genuine form of experiencing and interfacing with it, I felt immediate relief. But I had prepared and yearned for it since that first over heard conversation at the age of 5. I felt validated, free.

I am sorry, James, that your most earnest appeals for clarity and help have been so blithely handled in this discussion.

Some .. fractious elements have crept into the forum of late.

•

Please remember, kin, to be kind when someone. is in distress and asking for relief and assistance. Please refrain from deflecting from his query to use the thread it to satisfy some baser urges. We are Kin.

Please just start another discussion if you want to express such a free ranging ramble that deflects and discourages earnest efforts at helping.

I don't see any humour in this thread.

I was mearly wondering if the societal expectations put on men had any bearing on how men cope with diagnosis, especially in later life. I didn't expect or intend to start some kind of gender war.

Just walk away, Cat. Inanity has infected the thread.  Some folks are having fun and that's that. Or - you could just read the remarks that are directed directly to the discussion poster.

TheCatWoman said:

What happened to this thread?

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Thats as much sense as I can make of it, much like the current gender identification situation.

Levity appeared.

What happened to this thread?

At age 53 now, having been diagnosed in 2021, those of us who came through the madness of Covid also had to deal with a grieving process of the world that we once knew in our teens in the 1980’s and before Covid has all but gone, everything from the watershed moments of Y2K to 9/11 and Covid and everything else in between - I was heavily involved in the gay scene for a long time until I saw it implode from within which is why I returned to my Irish family values and my traditional Catholic faith - when Covid first happened at the end of 2019 and into the beginning of 2020, being very awake as to what was really happening and what was to come later on, aside from any other issues, I recall feeling a deep sense of sadness and heartbreak, as I almost knew exactly what was about to happen and that our world that we once knew was going to be turned upside down and turned into a dumpster fire, as no one can make any sense of evil (and I have tried to do so) - even now, 4 years after Covid, we are witnessing our world disintegrating 

I’m an old-school and conservative-minded older gay man - I don’t go along with the modern LGBT stuff about sexuality and gender, especially where it attempts to involve children, whose childhood innocence must be protected at all costs, as the protection of childhood innocence is sacrosanct