Published on 12, July, 2020
Hmmm.......so 4 months into my 'diagnosed' state (48yo), and I'm not feeling a whole heap of acceptance. I am still feeling quite bitter and resentful. Everything I see around me in life and at work seems to have been, and continues to be, designed with a slightly different species in mind.
I have started reading this forum more often, even though I'm scared of keep seeing my reflection in these threads, and am following some overtly divergent contributors on Facebook. I was skeptical that at my age, with my history, that I could somehow find 'inner peace' (I mean, really - what the hell is that even supposed to mean?), but at the moment I'm heading in the opposite direction. Those long-cherished hopes of finding the right therapy, the right antidepressant to 'sort me out' seem absurd.
I recall seeing a quite old entry on here where a user refers to feeling much better about the state of things 4 years in. FOUR YEARS? (yes, I am shouting). I don't think I can maintain even the current crumbling facade for another 3+ years. Especially now I recognize the effort I am putting in, and the energy this costs me.
My acceptance of being autistic came when I was very small. and adults would talk about me in front of me. I was always going to be the weird one. It was decided at that time that I couldnt' be autistic because I was female (this was in th 1950s) and so many other handles were attached, none that fit me.
So - For me to finally get the external affirmation that. i was, yes autistic and to be in a world that is now slowly accepting that as a genuine form of experiencing and interfacing with it, I felt immediate relief. But I had prepared and yearned for it since that first over heard conversation at the age of 5. I felt validated, free.