Published on 12, July, 2020
Hmmm.......so 4 months into my 'diagnosed' state (48yo), and I'm not feeling a whole heap of acceptance. I am still feeling quite bitter and resentful. Everything I see around me in life and at work seems to have been, and continues to be, designed with a slightly different species in mind.
I have started reading this forum more often, even though I'm scared of keep seeing my reflection in these threads, and am following some overtly divergent contributors on Facebook. I was skeptical that at my age, with my history, that I could somehow find 'inner peace' (I mean, really - what the hell is that even supposed to mean?), but at the moment I'm heading in the opposite direction. Those long-cherished hopes of finding the right therapy, the right antidepressant to 'sort me out' seem absurd.
I recall seeing a quite old entry on here where a user refers to feeling much better about the state of things 4 years in. FOUR YEARS? (yes, I am shouting). I don't think I can maintain even the current crumbling facade for another 3+ years. Especially now I recognize the effort I am putting in, and the energy this costs me.
Sorry I cannot answer your query fully. I was diagnosed over a year ago now. I struggled with grief, yes I did say that, of what's and if's in my previous life. Just like grief it takes time to reframe your life past and present with regards to autism. I still do not fully accept it and frequently suffer from periods of impostor syndrome. I am currently struggling with work. I am in a holding position whilst my manager tries to force me out by making out I am incapable of doing the job I have done for the last 30 years.. My autism and the fact that I had the audacity to ask for reasonable adjustments, is being used against me.
I wish you the best of luck in your quest. Be kind to yourself there is a lot to process for us late diagnosed adults. There is no real support to guide you except places like here.
I definitely grieved post diagnosis as i don't want to be Autistic, i am learning to live with it now. I completely recognise everything you have written