Published on 12, July, 2020
During my autism assessment, the psychiatrist said that although my autism affects many aspects of my life, I was still able to communicate to her well and therefore only had it “mild”. I understand that I have low support needs and that other autistic people have different or more extreme struggles and need more support, but I was masking a lot in the assessment in order to answer the questions as clearly as possible, which completely exhausted me and impacted how I felt over the next couple of days. As Keedie said in the TV show “A kind of spark”, her autism only seems mild because ‘we make it so, at a great personal cost’. Autism has a huge impact on my life, even if no one else can see it, and especially if I’m purposefully changing my behaviour to fit in or adapt to other people. Just because it seems mild to you doesn’t mean it actually is to me. I feel like this is why the terms “high functioning” and “low functioning” are being used less in favour of “support needs” which I feel is more accurate and less diminishing of autistic people’s struggles. I’d be interested to know other people’s opinions too as I know some people don’t mind the word “mild”!
Aimée said: I was masking a lot in the assessment in order to answer the questions as clearly as possible
Ironic that you were intentionally being as unautistic as possible in order to have your autism assessed.
Not a trick question but do you think this was self sabotage? Did you want to not be seen as autistic?
Sometimes it is subconcious and you may want to appear capable and in control or maybe autism holds a stigma.
I'm genuinely curious as this is something I have seen quite a few times and would like to understand the processes behind it to help others prepare effectively for their assessments and be seen without the masking that we feel we need to use
All the terminology around the diagnosis is a bit of an issue still - there are plenty of people who find some terms offensive or triggering and some want to keep old terminology (eg Aspergers) - it is all a bit of a mess still.
I'm not answering for Aimée, but i know what she (or they? Please tell us) means. For me it is not something that I can actually switch off. When getting assessed one probably has probably not even known about masking for long. I first heard the term this year. I can't just de-mask - I think it's going to be something that falls away brick by brick.
I’m currently in the car but will definitely respond as soon as I can - it’s an interesting point that’s been brought up, and I’m not offended by anything said! My pronouns are they/them - might be worth me putting those in my profile :)
Iain said:do you think this was self sabotage? Did you want to not be seen as autistic?
I didn’t actually plan to mask during my autism assessment, and I don’t think it was self-sabotage as I knew I’m autistic and I’m not ashamed of it or anything, I think I’m just so used to masking in situations where someone is asking me questions in a more formal situation because I try to answer and talk in a specific way so I can be understood easily. Logically I know that these psychiatrists are used to autistic people and all the behaviours that we could do, but I think part of it was the more “people-pleasing” part of my brain taking over and mainly I just wanted the assessment to go as smoothly as possible.
Mark (formerly Spikey) said: I can't just de-mask - I think it's going to be something that falls away brick by brick.
I agree with Mark, I’ve been more aware of my mask over the past couple of years and have been un-masking in certain situations around people I feel comfortable with, but formal situations like assessments still come with some pressure for me which leads me to mask automatically in a way as I’m so used to doing it when talking to teachers for example or other people I don’t know as well.
Bunny said:I, too, had to focus extremely hard during my assessment in order to ensure that I conveyed all of the factual information that I felt was relevant. The combined effort of preparing for and having my assessment left me feeling similarly exhausted.
Bunny, yes, your experience is very similar to mine! I was so conscious that all my answers were going to be used by the psychiatrist that I wanted to make sure I was giving really precise answers. But I’m not offended by Iain‘s questions, I understand they’re just coming from a place of curiosity. I appreciate everyone’s responses and support to my posts; I understand everyone has different writing styles and different approaches.