Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm in my late 50s - have just had a diagnosis of autism confirmed.
Certainly, as an adult I'm very structured and have fixed routines (prefer to do the same thing each day, eat the same thing for days on end, really struggle with social anxiety which I think manage with 'scripting' but a lot of this has become second nature, I have a couple of artistic interests which I get very focused on to the exclusion of other things). I think I might be alexithymic in that I have a very poor sense of what my own emotional state is, but I'm pretty good at reading other people's states.
While the diagnosis has led me to a few "oh of course" moments, it's also been really confusing since as a child I don't think I exhibited any of the signs that are associated with autism. Similarly, I can make eye contact with people and feel as though I'm pretty empathetic and know what to do in social situations.
All of this has got me doubting my diagnosis and wondering if I'm autistic at all? In fact, rather than giving me answers I feel a bit like my identity up to now has been taken away?
Any advice in dealing with this would be really appreciated.
What you describe is very like my experience, though I'm waiting for assessment. I fluctuate between thinking that I probably am autistic (there are certainly lots of signs that I might be and I score very highly in most of the tests) and thinking there may be other reasons I am as I am. I'm not sure exactly how I was as a child - never really felt that I fitted in, but there might be lots of reasons for that. Any difficulties I had were never addressed and I worked out how to do it for myself - more or less, but have always struggled. I do eye contact some of the time at least. I feel I can read social situations relatively, though I'm very much not at home in them.I doubt that I'm autistic, though it clearly makes a good deal of sense. I think I'd still doubt it after diagnosis, although possibly less so. Either way, I am discovering that I am not neurotypical regardless of the label and I'm having to rethink how I am, have been and how I might be. It's difficult, but not entirely unhopeful.Not all the advice I see is helpful. We're all different and have to work it out for ourselves. I hear about people who are diagnosed late finding groups of like minded people where they can unmask and be themselves, for example. I don't feel I could ever do this, but I suppose I may be surprised, as my identity may start to shift slowly. It has to be slowly for me as I don't like change. I need to give myself time and space to adapt gradually.Good luck!