Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there
I am ASD/ADHD and 34 years old.
I am currently living with my ex in a house we bought, but becoming ex's and letting go and explaining why is something I'm struggling with.
So me and my ex got together in the middle of August. To cut a long story short, I recently found out for the first 6 weeks of our relationship she was in a relationship, albeit online, with another guy she had been with for some time. Many of their messages were discussing how they would be together one day and that they love each other etc.
I told her I couldn't see past this and it betrayed our initial connection and devalued when we told each other we loved each other as she was still saying it to someone else.
The only problem is I only found out and saw the messages after we had bought a home. So I have kept it amicable and friendly, which I think she perceives as wanting to work on things. When we discuss it she gets upset and angry and can't understand why I'm still holding on to those feelings and focussing on her "little mistake" from the start of the relationship as we were happy before I found out.
I guess... Am I the a-hole for being like this? Am I justified for my response? Or is this my neuro divergence not being able to deal with it?
Any advice on that, or how I move forward, would be great.
Thanks in advance,
Chris
Hi there. I get this point that you’re making here. I totally understand what you’re going through. It’s tough. I don’t know what to say buddy. It totally sounds like she is just using you to be honest. Tell me this if you don’t mind. Did you and her have relationship problems before in the past? Because she may still hold feelings of resentment towards you from the past and this may be why she wants this other man and not you. The best thing to do would be to apologise to her about the past and try and make things better now. Make her dinner make her stuff. Etc. Try and show her that you are better than the other man. But whatever you do don’t give her grief or antagonise her over speaking to this other man. As this will show that you are jealous and make her want the other man more than you. Hope this helps.
Mark (formerly Spikey) said:If she ended it, then I think she should be given a chance and you should do your best to draw a line under it, forgive her and let it go.
I will second that opinion.
Relationships can sometimes start with baggage that can take some time to drop and this may be the case here. If she was actually the one doing the dropping then it shows she was shifting the focus to you which is a healthy sign.
The fact that the previous boyfriend was pretty much virtual probably made it seem less "real" to her too - I'm not making excuses for her but she may have seen this in a very different light to you.
As you are an autist you quite probably see things in black and while whereas NTs are much more shades of grey in terms of relationshop status, especially in the early days with you. You may have been a bit unusual for her with your autistic ways so hanging onto an established but low committal relationship quite possibly felt justified to her (keeping her options open).
That is all looking back - you have an opportunity here for a reset rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater as they say. The key questions is that after puting this hurt to one side, do you still love her?
If so, ask her to be completely open about the situation, get some couples therapy and see if there is enough between you to make it worth both sides fighting for.
You may just see the big red flag of this unfaithfulness (albeit virtual) and not be able to see beyond it. The therapist will help you stop and look at the big picture, work through the issues and be honest with one another and at the end work out if it is worth going back to basics and rediscovering your relationship having forgiven her for it if you believe it is worth it.
It is quite possible you can't see past this but I think this would be your failing. It seems a low risk fault in a relationship given the context (early, virtual and quickly cancelled) and she is only human. If there have been no other red flags then a second chance would be merited in my opinion.
In this case breaking up would make you a bit of an a-hole, a stubborn, unyielding and unforgiving of minor failings one - in my opinion.
If she has more red flags then you are justified however.
As I say, all in my opinion and rememeber I only have a little info to work from.
Hi Chris.
You are definitely not the a-hole.
This definitely isn't strong 'advice' because I don't know you or her.
I know that we can be taken advantage of a bit more than average. A long long time ago, I had a long term partner have an affair and then take all the furniture when I found out and we split up. I thought it all made sense at the time, but my wife, years later, was angry about it on my behalf.
Do you have any friends, that know you well, that you can ask their honest opinion without you getting upset with them?
One key piece of information is - how did this other relationship end after those 6 weeks? If she ended it, then I think she should be given a chance and you should do your best to draw a line under it, forgive her and let it go. If the other person ended it then it is still an unknown and I can't really advise.
Good luck!