Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been married for 8 years, but I fear the marriage has reached an end. My wife is neurotypical, and it's only recently that I've discovered I am neurodivergent. We've always had problems that focused on my inability to display and understand emotions. To her I seem uncaring and undemonstrative. I don't react to her distress or problems in a overwhelmingly empathetic way. I misread cues and react in atypical ways.
When we come into conflict, I will inevitably reach a meltdown. Sometimes it's rage, but mostly I just shut down. My brain grinds to a halt, I struggle to process what's going on, I feel intense anxiety and I feel overwhelmed to the point where shutting down is the only thing I can do. I lose my ability to reason and discuss anything.
Things seem to have finally reached a tipping point. She feels that I will never be able to overcome what she sees as emotional shortcomings. She has even gone so far as to claim that my autism diagnosis has and will become an excuse for me to not meet her demands. In turn, I feel like I will never be able to make her happy, given that I process the things that happen to us in an entirely different way. I can't help it.
I love her dearly, and I hate how I so often hurt her feelings, without meaning to at all. It seems like a situation with no good solution, and perhaps walking away is the best thing to do.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but it sure would be a comfort to me to hear other people's stories like this one. When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do?
Captain Grover,
It's so upsetting to hear both your wife and yourself are facing this.
The only solution I see is for her to have more direct communication with you about how she's feeling so you don't have to guess when you are unable to read her. The issue is (pointing out the obvious I know) that she may not believe that you can't read her emotions because she's coming from an emotional place and is able to read yours. If there's clear communication about her needs and yours it's workable but it sounds like you're both dealing with your own hurts about how the relationship has already played out. My marriage split because of very similar reasons. Sometimes relationships aren't workable but if there's love there, I believe it's worth a shot. Have you shown your wife this post? That could help her see that you really do care and want to make it work?
Best wishes to you.
Thank you for responding. We have discussed more than once the reality of how I perceive and process things. She's not someone who will dismiss the notion out of hand, but being neurotypical doesn't mean having no issues of your own and unfortunately she struggles to view any demonstration of love that has to be asked for and explained as lacking authenticity. It rather leaves us at an impasse considering that is what I often require.
Yes, it could be that your individual differences are just not workable which is incredibly sad but 8 years is a measure of the effort you both put in to the marriage. I got to 10 years with mine but left because, like you hinted, everyone has problems whatever their neurotype. Relationships are hard work and not always feasible I find. :-(
My experience of therapy wasn't a great one as my husband didn't talk and I did.
Sorry it worked out that way.
Sometimes when you get to the point of agreeing to the counselling then one party may already have checked out already and is just going through the motions.
I recall our therapist saying that the power is held by the person who cares less - sad but actually quite true.
Communication is definitley the key to working out a solution so while it can be painful at times, open and honest communication (not just talking at the other person) is vital.
Like another post I was going to bring up the idea of therapy but figured you may already have tried that. My experience of therapy wasn't a great one as my husband didn't talk and I did. It sounds like your marriage despite having challenges does have open communication which would work great with having a marriage counsellor. Have you both spoken about different styles of "love language"? Understanding how you each show love and receive it may also be helpful if you haven't already discussed this?
Perhaps that's what's needed? If it worked then, maybe living together put too much pressure on the marriage? Breaks from each other I think helps because it allows the persons to miss each other and see the positives or the space to think about the negatives and how that's impacting them. I'm probably not the best person to talk with about this though as I tend to cut relationships off at the first sign of incompatibility..... :-/
Yes, I agree. And we have sometimes discussed the possibility of living apart for the sake of the relationship. We started out with a lot of distance between us and made it work.
It is exhausting and you will both make the decision that works for you as individuals as well as a team. My mum is dating a man who's married but hasn't been in a relationship with his wife for decades. They live in a large house in separate wings. My mum is happy living alone and dating him as he is with her. I think living separately is the key to making a relationship work because each person actually has their own time and space to just be. I'm a hugely emotional person which means a lot of masking for the sake of others. People in general are exhausting because compromises always have to be made but it shouldn't be at the expense of who the person is in their core unless they are able to recognise and work to change that. Sad but true. Perhaps things will improve with the marriage after this difficult patch or maybe you've both realised you're not compatible however much love is there. It's heartbreaking but things really do have a way of working out for the best I feel whatever that looks like.