Published on 12, July, 2020
I had what I consider my final session today, it's not her, it's me. It's on me to fix my problems and move on now.
I wish I could have addressed my rejecting of my autism in the past, my repressed sexuality, or my general disappointment in humankind, but alas those subjects were perhaps beyond her charity mandated training. (Mind Swansea)
I just reiterated the same junk and she and I just didn't connect at all. 50 minutes is a small window so I couldn't delve into the stuff that mattered and I said my goodbye over email.
Also I'm tired of talking about myself and the person on the other side of the room not giving a ***. A paying client more than a person. I might as well take a vow of silence and stay in the background.
Please don't try to convince me to try again, I have been pushing my luck with the local services for years and I've just about run out of chances.
Have you tried life coaching? There is such a thing for neurodivergent people. At a cost though, I couldn't afford it. I have had mixed results with counselling myself, I am currently on the list again for counselling as I just need someone to talk to. The NHS just want to pill me up. I was diagnosed at 37 and I am 40 now and spent my whole life reaching out to the council even had some kind of a social worker at some time if that is actually who she was and it was useless
Don't you have to have goals and ambitions to do life coaching? I can just see me and a life coach, 'what would you like to do?', 'I dont' know, I wouldn't know an ambition if it came up and smacked me in the face'.
I admit to being biased against life coaching as my ex husband trained in it soon after we split up, and the thought of paying him to sit there like an over enthusiastic puppy hassling me to do stuff, fries my brian. He was also very against counselling and therapy as it took to long and he believed that people can be reprogrammed with the same ease as a computer.
I think everybody has goals. But this specific one is tailored to neurodivergent people. Its not like joining the army or anything
Well you think wrong because I don't and never have had, I've also never been afflicted with an ambition either. It was the first mask I dropped, long before I was diagnosed, the pretence of it all was doing my head in. I think goals and ambitions are a really good way to set yourself up for failure, often admitedly because those goals and ambitions are unrealistic, but even when realised, how many people are happy and fulfilled? I've never had a sense of achievement either, I have a sense of getting away with it, but never achievement. Even when I got a good degree I wasn't happy or had a sense of achievement all I felt was a sense of loss and anger that this most enjoyable phase of my life had come to an end.
My life has happened sort of organically, over the years I've got very good at recognising and oportunity and stepping into it and it often feels like stepping off a cliff edge into a state of no-thingness, floating free with no idea of destination or where I will land and if landing will hurt. But when I try and plan everything goes wrong, I ask people round for dinner and they dont come because their car's broken down or someone close has had to go to hospital or something.
Whenever someone asks me what I want to achieve its like stepping off a cliff into the dark and knowing the landing will be catastrophic or that I will be left suspended, not in no-thingness, which is a bit scary but familiar, but in an endless void, with no reference points.
Nobody else understand this, people get angry, accuse me of lying, ask me what I wanted to be when I was little and then get even crosser when I say I wanted to be Margaret Rutherford's professor in Passport to Pimlico. Everything else was masking, I even had to mask what I wanted to do, which was probably to be an accademic, something girls of my social class could never be.