Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm f'd up inside. I've gotten so used to being alone, used and emotionally dysfunctional I've hardened and keep people at an arm's length. On the rare instance that someone approaches me I instinctively make myself unattractive or uninteresting to push them away.
On good days I can appear normal and carry small talk when I have to but I keep my interactions superficial and forgettable. I've lost all hope of finding compatible people for friends or god forbid romance autistic or not and I'm fine with that.
But my wonderful antidepressants keep the worst demons at bay, the only price being falling asleep in the afternoons.
Does anyone else self sabotage and assume they're not welcomed too?
Yep, been there done that got the Tshirt, wore it out and binned it, now for the most part I don't care, I've become shockingly emotionally self sufficient and people especially NT's get upset about that instead now. I'm not invulnerable to the opinions of others and I do still get hurt and sometimes taken in, but I think it just adds another layer of teflon to my aura and more stuff slides off.
I've been realising over the last 2 or 3 weeks that the people I thought were strong acquaintances/friends are actually my dogs friends and I'm the inconvienence on the end of the lead. I've been walking with the same group of ladies, every afternoon for years now, now for various reasons they've drifted off, they still see eachother, but not me. I know that apart from our dogs we've never had much in common, they're all very NT, I could take it to heart and use it as a stick to beat myself with, about how horrible, abnormal and unpopular I am, always have been and always will be etc, now I ask myself how I really feel about it and the answer is not that much. I feel relief at having my afternoons free again, relief at not having to pretend and mask and I actually feel much calmer, we had a couple of walks together and I realised how uptight and uncomfortable I felt. I feel sorry for my dog that she doesn't get to see her doggy friends anymore, but for myself, its genuine relief and not beating myself up.
This ties into my therapy post. Most times I feel I don't deserve someone's faith, love or interest and I clam up until they leave. A lot of it comes from taking so much stick in the past and not having anyone besides my family who can't always understand how I feel about myself.
Thats good, I'm glad you're feeling a little better
I wrote this when I couldn't sleep and my mind was wracked with anxiety and self doubt. I've since gotten some sleep and levelled out.