Published on 12, July, 2020
At times I experience I don’t want to be around people, I hate people and I just can’t process or understand them being around me. I start to hate people bothering me, annoying me and basically being an irritant towards me even if they’re not talking to me, even if they are not near me.
These thoughts manifest, get stronger and my head starts getting filled up and then I start to feel overwhelmed with my own thoughts.
During these times I just want to lock myself away and at that time I could literally say to myself I want to be alone forever.
I could easily have thoughts of not caring about anyone anything and to not see anyone again. I think what helps at times is listening to music and not listening to anything else but music. It’s just like you know something is happening to you in the way you feel , but you don’t do anything about it even though you know something is happening to you and how you feel.
I feel that I never let myself be truly happy. Because my head is always spinning with information, with decisions, with complex problems. I feel like I hide myself away from people, I guess I hide my true self away from people because maybe they think I’m strange or I’m not supposed to act a certain way so I’m asking, I guess and a person would think I’m just miserable, but they have no understanding of what all these things are going on inside my head.
And when I have all these things going on inside of my head sometimes it’s hard to know what they are but you never reach a conclusion. It’s like a cesspit of information, thoughts and feelings. I guess you could say they are all in a bowl and it’s hard to navigate everyone of them and at times I just want to be on my own I don’t want to be around anyone and I’m having those feelings constantly.
I tried to mask everything with my facial expressions but my feelings come out into my facial expressions and then people ask me what’s wrong and what I’ve explained here. I can’t tell them because they would ask me question after question after question and the answers are not that simple.
For those that don’t understand, I find it very difficult to be with me because my state of mind can drop at the drop of a hat. Even the slightest thing of someone being late of one minute or two minutes that will stay with me all day and that would pick at me and I will feel anxious, I would try and talk about it but I can’t so therefore it builds up in my head and then on and on and on it starts to manifest deeply inside my brain.
The thing is people think I can come across rude arrogant I guess, but I’m not sometimes the responses that I give and the way that I give them I don’t I identify how I come across. I can’t identify how I come across to me. I’m coming across fine, but it’s other people perception that I am coming across a certain way. But people need to understand how I am how my communication is how I read facial cues because the fact is I find it difficult reading facial cues in what the person is saying, presenting themselves how they come across.
And I have always been like this and I always wonder what was happening to me or why am I like this, why am I acting like this. It was only in until I was diagnosed with autism in October 2023. This gave me an insight and at least some information to refer to and say to myself, oh yes, I understand.
My wife asks me do I really love her, do I really care? Do I really look after her. To be honest I’m not sure whether I love anyone or whether I want to care about anyone including myself. But I can’t tell people that because I guess I’m worried they might think I’m some kind of psychopath or am I actually incapable of feeling because I just don’t feel the same way to other people do.
Sometimes I just want to be in my own world and I don’t want anyone coming into that world. Yes I work, I meet people on a daily basis in my work but to me that’s different. I am able to change and step in the shoes to mask how I am. I have been masking for over 20 years so I believe that myself I am an expert in it and it doesn’t phase me but sometimes the people closest to me it makes everything difficult.
Definitely autistic burnout.
It's like regular burnout but mainly caused by constant masking to fit into a world that was not designed for autistic brains. I had a bad one around June/July last year, and it took me the rest of the year to fully recover. I know not everyone has the privilege of dropping everything and going on a retreat, but for me, it was what finally got me through to the other side. I left everything behind for 10 days and went alone to the Arctic Circle in late November to watch the last sunset of the year. I turned off my mobile phone and didn't speak to a soul except to order food. It was absolutely wonderful. I wish I could afford to do that every year.
The trick is to avoid getting to that point where you are completely burnt out. I heard this quote from a well-known psychiatrist: "If you don't slow down, your body will slow down for you." We need to make a conscious choice to stop every now and then, take care of ourselves, and look after our mental health.
Time alone is super important! I say time alone as opposed to 'me time' because some people's idea of me time is going to a spa with lots of other people, and that just won't do it. You need regular alone time. I've been taking three types of breaks:
Regarding your wife, I hear you. My partner and I started going to couples therapy after my burnout, and it really did help. Most of the issues we have as an autistic-allistic couple come from miscommunication. I think my partner now understands the struggle much better, and we also agreed on 'me time' for him as well. He's very social and recharges by spending time with people. We are complete opposites in that regard.
It's really hard for a non-autistic person to understand that when we shut down, it doesn't mean that we don't love them. If I could say something during those times, I would probably say, "I really do love you, but right now I am struggling to even speak. I need time to recharge." This has been happening on a daily basis. I have a stressful job, and in the evening, when I'm supposed to spend time with my family, I'm completely depleted, and they expect me to 'function' and continue masking until I go to bed - this definitely leads to more burnout. On the other hand, it's not fair to them that I give my all at work and have nothing left to give when I'm home, so I'm doing that short meditation session to separate my working hours from my family life, and it has been helping a lot. Those Saturday mornings are a blessing as well.
You'll need to speak to your wife and make her understand that you need time alone so that you can give her the deserved attention when you are with her.
You must be going through a period of adjustment like me due to your recent diagnosis. I feel for your wife as well. It's not easy on them. Since I came to terms with my autism, I have not been very willing to mask around my loved ones anymore. Your wife will need support as well, not just you, as she is also having to adjust to this situation.
If she is willing to read about it, I recommend Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome by Cindy Ariel. I'm aware that the Asperger's label is deprecated, but this book really did help; we both read it.
Also, look for material from Orion Kelly. He's got an amazing podcast on Audible and an excellent channel on YouTube. And check out Paul Micallef's channel on YouTube as well. He's got some excellent resources for you and for partners of people on the spectrum.I hope this helps you. Take care and be well!
Thank you and much appreciated.