Published on 12, July, 2020
At times I experience I don’t want to be around people, I hate people and I just can’t process or understand them being around me. I start to hate people bothering me, annoying me and basically being an irritant towards me even if they’re not talking to me, even if they are not near me.
These thoughts manifest, get stronger and my head starts getting filled up and then I start to feel overwhelmed with my own thoughts.
During these times I just want to lock myself away and at that time I could literally say to myself I want to be alone forever.
I could easily have thoughts of not caring about anyone anything and to not see anyone again. I think what helps at times is listening to music and not listening to anything else but music. It’s just like you know something is happening to you in the way you feel , but you don’t do anything about it even though you know something is happening to you and how you feel.
I feel that I never let myself be truly happy. Because my head is always spinning with information, with decisions, with complex problems. I feel like I hide myself away from people, I guess I hide my true self away from people because maybe they think I’m strange or I’m not supposed to act a certain way so I’m asking, I guess and a person would think I’m just miserable, but they have no understanding of what all these things are going on inside my head.
And when I have all these things going on inside of my head sometimes it’s hard to know what they are but you never reach a conclusion. It’s like a cesspit of information, thoughts and feelings. I guess you could say they are all in a bowl and it’s hard to navigate everyone of them and at times I just want to be on my own I don’t want to be around anyone and I’m having those feelings constantly.
I tried to mask everything with my facial expressions but my feelings come out into my facial expressions and then people ask me what’s wrong and what I’ve explained here. I can’t tell them because they would ask me question after question after question and the answers are not that simple.
For those that don’t understand, I find it very difficult to be with me because my state of mind can drop at the drop of a hat. Even the slightest thing of someone being late of one minute or two minutes that will stay with me all day and that would pick at me and I will feel anxious, I would try and talk about it but I can’t so therefore it builds up in my head and then on and on and on it starts to manifest deeply inside my brain.
The thing is people think I can come across rude arrogant I guess, but I’m not sometimes the responses that I give and the way that I give them I don’t I identify how I come across. I can’t identify how I come across to me. I’m coming across fine, but it’s other people perception that I am coming across a certain way. But people need to understand how I am how my communication is how I read facial cues because the fact is I find it difficult reading facial cues in what the person is saying, presenting themselves how they come across.
And I have always been like this and I always wonder what was happening to me or why am I like this, why am I acting like this. It was only in until I was diagnosed with autism in October 2023. This gave me an insight and at least some information to refer to and say to myself, oh yes, I understand.
My wife asks me do I really love her, do I really care? Do I really look after her. To be honest I’m not sure whether I love anyone or whether I want to care about anyone including myself. But I can’t tell people that because I guess I’m worried they might think I’m some kind of psychopath or am I actually incapable of feeling because I just don’t feel the same way to other people do.
Sometimes I just want to be in my own world and I don’t want anyone coming into that world. Yes I work, I meet people on a daily basis in my work but to me that’s different. I am able to change and step in the shoes to mask how I am. I have been masking for over 20 years so I believe that myself I am an expert in it and it doesn’t phase me but sometimes the people closest to me it makes everything difficult.
Thank you so much
Thank you and much appreciated.
Definitely autistic burnout.
It's like regular burnout but mainly caused by constant masking to fit into a world that was not designed for autistic brains. I had a bad one around June/July last year, and it took me the rest of the year to fully recover. I know not everyone has the privilege of dropping everything and going on a retreat, but for me, it was what finally got me through to the other side. I left everything behind for 10 days and went alone to the Arctic Circle in late November to watch the last sunset of the year. I turned off my mobile phone and didn't speak to a soul except to order food. It was absolutely wonderful. I wish I could afford to do that every year.
The trick is to avoid getting to that point where you are completely burnt out. I heard this quote from a well-known psychiatrist: "If you don't slow down, your body will slow down for you." We need to make a conscious choice to stop every now and then, take care of ourselves, and look after our mental health.
Time alone is super important! I say time alone as opposed to 'me time' because some people's idea of me time is going to a spa with lots of other people, and that just won't do it. You need regular alone time. I've been taking three types of breaks:
Regarding your wife, I hear you. My partner and I started going to couples therapy after my burnout, and it really did help. Most of the issues we have as an autistic-allistic couple come from miscommunication. I think my partner now understands the struggle much better, and we also agreed on 'me time' for him as well. He's very social and recharges by spending time with people. We are complete opposites in that regard.
It's really hard for a non-autistic person to understand that when we shut down, it doesn't mean that we don't love them. If I could say something during those times, I would probably say, "I really do love you, but right now I am struggling to even speak. I need time to recharge." This has been happening on a daily basis. I have a stressful job, and in the evening, when I'm supposed to spend time with my family, I'm completely depleted, and they expect me to 'function' and continue masking until I go to bed - this definitely leads to more burnout. On the other hand, it's not fair to them that I give my all at work and have nothing left to give when I'm home, so I'm doing that short meditation session to separate my working hours from my family life, and it has been helping a lot. Those Saturday mornings are a blessing as well.
You'll need to speak to your wife and make her understand that you need time alone so that you can give her the deserved attention when you are with her.
You must be going through a period of adjustment like me due to your recent diagnosis. I feel for your wife as well. It's not easy on them. Since I came to terms with my autism, I have not been very willing to mask around my loved ones anymore. Your wife will need support as well, not just you, as she is also having to adjust to this situation.
If she is willing to read about it, I recommend Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome by Cindy Ariel. I'm aware that the Asperger's label is deprecated, but this book really did help; we both read it.
Also, look for material from Orion Kelly. He's got an amazing podcast on Audible and an excellent channel on YouTube. And check out Paul Micallef's channel on YouTube as well. He's got some excellent resources for you and for partners of people on the spectrum.I hope this helps you. Take care and be well!
There is a lot to work with here and not a lot I think we can offer much practical advice with as so much is interconnected and profound for you.
The one thing I think you need badly is a therapist who is skilled in working with autists. Try to find one who has worked with a number of autists in the past and who is trained in the subject.
The reason for this is that you have a tangle of autistic traits that often cross over and impact on your life and are leading to your current state of burnout.
The things I would prioritise would be:
1 - the relationship with your wife. It sounds like alexithymia is the root cause of your emotional connection here and it is fairly simple to start work on this using the emotion wheel to start identifying what you actually feel. Connecting to emotions is an area where it is a gradual process so patience is needed.
2 - The rapid changes in your mental state are probably down to emotional regulation - also a part of alexithymia and I believe have a different approach to the emotional connection issue.
3 - Anxiety - the way you get overwhelmed so easily can be addressed through a range of techniques from mindfulness, meditation and even (in some cases) with medication. Techniques can be trained through your therapist.
4 - Your communication technique can be improved with practice via the therapist too - confidence through tackling the items above and more self-knowledge are also big contributers to this.
It is quite understandable that you want to be away from everyone - especially when you lack the tools and techniquest to keep your autistic traits under management. I still like my own company over anyone elses and regularly keep it, but with a wife in the mix you need to think how to balance this and the desire to be alone.
Once the personal therapy is over I would also suggest getting some couples therapy with your own therapist to help get your wife up to speed and to talk through how to balance the relationship in the light of what has been learned.
This will be a positive thing as you are not going into it to save a failing marriage but to improve it - a luxury few will have.
I hope some of this is helpful but feel free to ignore any/all of it.
Good luck in your journey - most of us here have been on a similar one at some stage so can identify and sympathise.
Sounds like burnout to me.
All these things are likely to appear and then be exaggerated during a burnout, I even start to have the most stupid insane fantasy thoughts about negative things that will happen and I'll be convinced they will, I'll then ruminate for days and weeks over them, even taking time away from doing things to just spend time torturing myself with them. Losing interest in everything, dropping hobbies and friends, becoming suicidal, feeling paranoid and like I've lost my marbles. All symptoms of the bad ones I've had.
Usually a bad burnout will be the result of a heavy period of time where you're using a lot of autistic energy to mask and endure sensory overload and triggers.
I now use the battery theory, others the spoons one, in terms of metering the amount of energy they use on things and thus avoiding ending up flat. It does work, you have to look at days and decide if you can do everything you planned without ending up burnt out, if so push some stuff back to the next day and so on.
If you've hit a bad burnout the answers are usually Quiet time, sleep, getting exercise, walks out in nature where there's not too many other people , avoiding overdoing social things and anything that involves masking, avoiding social media and news and take time off work if possible, all things that will help. Talking to someone about it too if you can, writing down the negative thoughts and feelings can help get them out of your head.
Things will get better though, read what you can about all the things related to autism and about coping strategies, the more you understand about your autistic self the less likely it'll get out of control.