Published on 12, July, 2020
At times I experience I don’t want to be around people, I hate people and I just can’t process or understand them being around me. I start to hate people bothering me, annoying me and basically being an irritant towards me even if they’re not talking to me, even if they are not near me.
These thoughts manifest, get stronger and my head starts getting filled up and then I start to feel overwhelmed with my own thoughts.
During these times I just want to lock myself away and at that time I could literally say to myself I want to be alone forever.
I could easily have thoughts of not caring about anyone anything and to not see anyone again. I think what helps at times is listening to music and not listening to anything else but music. It’s just like you know something is happening to you in the way you feel , but you don’t do anything about it even though you know something is happening to you and how you feel.
I feel that I never let myself be truly happy. Because my head is always spinning with information, with decisions, with complex problems. I feel like I hide myself away from people, I guess I hide my true self away from people because maybe they think I’m strange or I’m not supposed to act a certain way so I’m asking, I guess and a person would think I’m just miserable, but they have no understanding of what all these things are going on inside my head.
And when I have all these things going on inside of my head sometimes it’s hard to know what they are but you never reach a conclusion. It’s like a cesspit of information, thoughts and feelings. I guess you could say they are all in a bowl and it’s hard to navigate everyone of them and at times I just want to be on my own I don’t want to be around anyone and I’m having those feelings constantly.
I tried to mask everything with my facial expressions but my feelings come out into my facial expressions and then people ask me what’s wrong and what I’ve explained here. I can’t tell them because they would ask me question after question after question and the answers are not that simple.
For those that don’t understand, I find it very difficult to be with me because my state of mind can drop at the drop of a hat. Even the slightest thing of someone being late of one minute or two minutes that will stay with me all day and that would pick at me and I will feel anxious, I would try and talk about it but I can’t so therefore it builds up in my head and then on and on and on it starts to manifest deeply inside my brain.
The thing is people think I can come across rude arrogant I guess, but I’m not sometimes the responses that I give and the way that I give them I don’t I identify how I come across. I can’t identify how I come across to me. I’m coming across fine, but it’s other people perception that I am coming across a certain way. But people need to understand how I am how my communication is how I read facial cues because the fact is I find it difficult reading facial cues in what the person is saying, presenting themselves how they come across.
And I have always been like this and I always wonder what was happening to me or why am I like this, why am I acting like this. It was only in until I was diagnosed with autism in October 2023. This gave me an insight and at least some information to refer to and say to myself, oh yes, I understand.
My wife asks me do I really love her, do I really care? Do I really look after her. To be honest I’m not sure whether I love anyone or whether I want to care about anyone including myself. But I can’t tell people that because I guess I’m worried they might think I’m some kind of psychopath or am I actually incapable of feeling because I just don’t feel the same way to other people do.
Sometimes I just want to be in my own world and I don’t want anyone coming into that world. Yes I work, I meet people on a daily basis in my work but to me that’s different. I am able to change and step in the shoes to mask how I am. I have been masking for over 20 years so I believe that myself I am an expert in it and it doesn’t phase me but sometimes the people closest to me it makes everything difficult.
Sounds like burnout to me.
All these things are likely to appear and then be exaggerated during a burnout, I even start to have the most stupid insane fantasy thoughts about negative things that will happen and I'll be convinced they will, I'll then ruminate for days and weeks over them, even taking time away from doing things to just spend time torturing myself with them. Losing interest in everything, dropping hobbies and friends, becoming suicidal, feeling paranoid and like I've lost my marbles. All symptoms of the bad ones I've had.
Usually a bad burnout will be the result of a heavy period of time where you're using a lot of autistic energy to mask and endure sensory overload and triggers.
I now use the battery theory, others the spoons one, in terms of metering the amount of energy they use on things and thus avoiding ending up flat. It does work, you have to look at days and decide if you can do everything you planned without ending up burnt out, if so push some stuff back to the next day and so on.
If you've hit a bad burnout the answers are usually Quiet time, sleep, getting exercise, walks out in nature where there's not too many other people , avoiding overdoing social things and anything that involves masking, avoiding social media and news and take time off work if possible, all things that will help. Talking to someone about it too if you can, writing down the negative thoughts and feelings can help get them out of your head.
Things will get better though, read what you can about all the things related to autism and about coping strategies, the more you understand about your autistic self the less likely it'll get out of control.
Thank you and much appreciated.