Published on 12, July, 2020
Im having trouble putting a post together because there a lot of history to get to this point. My boyfriend is autistic and i am not. Anyway, he is seemingly becoming less interested in sex and more awkward about it as well. We have been dating for a year, i also have a young child and he is essentially a step-dad at this point. We live together. We have a long history - we've had feelings for the past 5 years. We first tried dating back in 2022, then again in 2023. Both times he broke up with me because he couldn't figure out his emotions. He's said some hurtful things vack then like that i was 80% just sex to him and like 20% love. He has a hard time understanding that love settles into a stable feeling and isnt always "butterflies". Between periods of trying to date we were also trying to be just frinds but sexual encounters kept happening. These were hot and heavy experiences that were extremely exciting for me. A year ago he told me he wanted a real relationship, to be there for me and my kid, to be a family. He has been very supportive. He's not great at emotional support but he tries his best. Hes helped me financially a great deal as i have court stuff related to my kid. He does most of the cooking and i kniw he cares a lot about me. He's stepped it up with my kid and built a relationship with him too. He's the best partner ive ever had except for one thing: the sex has become lack luster, and 100% i know this happens in long term relationships, i have been in relationships for many years in the past. The issue is that he has somehow regressed, like he doesn't know how to initiate sex anymore. He just repeatedly pats my butt and thats the sign he's interested. Back in the day he would grab me and kiss me or even just ask. He also doesn't do anything for foreplay anymore. He almost never touches my body, only butt cheeks and on the rare occasion, boobs. He doesn't want to do oral anymore. He also doesn't really cuddle. He is laying there like a log and im spralwed on him. He has always struggled. He cant say "i love you" he can only say "love you" because its less emotional. He said that because he sees me everday and we're in eachothers space that his need for intimacy has decreased. He said that living together counts as intimacy for him. I am so confused and i feel physically and emotionally lonely. I am extremely attracted to him and i love him very much but i feel deprived of affection and touch. If he wont touch my body they i just live the rest of my life without getting to experience that? I am considering moving out to see if the distance makes him more interested. I am afraid he will want sex less and less until we just dont anymore. He doesn't watch porn that i know of, i have asked recently. My financial situation is very stressful and im sure that's not very sexy, but nothing significant happened. Its just gradually become less. What do i do? Do i let go of this relationship? I cannot imagine ever getting over it. He is who i want, however, i constantly feel like i must not be good enough and that's why this is happening.
I can only speak for myself. I get it I really do and this reminds me of myself. But it is almost like an "out of body experience". I have been with my wife for over 30 years, yes we have certainly had ups and downs. We were very sexually active, but I guess at times I feel like I had to be. I also masked a lot of feelings/actions and how I wanted to be and how others wanted me to be. I received a diagnosis in October 2023, which confirmed what I already know. However, once this information was known, to my wife and kids I then started to be who I wanted to be. My expression of emotions have never really been good, and was the same prior to being diagnosed and after. My wife has noticed a difference and I am not tactile at all, I never have been. My sexual feelings have not gone, but they are not at the forefront of my mind and I have difficulty in reading the signs. So what I can say is from my perspective of being autistic, it is not on purpose of the way I am or behave. I am not going off my wife, but my behaviour has changed and I am being more of myself. I think, as hard as it can be, being with a person with autism, I guess find ways, attend groups with him to understand and get inside his head, rather than trying to figure it out on your own. I consider myself complex and I give my wife hell, not because I want to, but it is how my brain works. I hope that's okay.