Published on 12, July, 2020
Im having trouble putting a post together because there a lot of history to get to this point. My boyfriend is autistic and i am not. Anyway, he is seemingly becoming less interested in sex and more awkward about it as well. We have been dating for a year, i also have a young child and he is essentially a step-dad at this point. We live together. We have a long history - we've had feelings for the past 5 years. We first tried dating back in 2022, then again in 2023. Both times he broke up with me because he couldn't figure out his emotions. He's said some hurtful things vack then like that i was 80% just sex to him and like 20% love. He has a hard time understanding that love settles into a stable feeling and isnt always "butterflies". Between periods of trying to date we were also trying to be just frinds but sexual encounters kept happening. These were hot and heavy experiences that were extremely exciting for me. A year ago he told me he wanted a real relationship, to be there for me and my kid, to be a family. He has been very supportive. He's not great at emotional support but he tries his best. Hes helped me financially a great deal as i have court stuff related to my kid. He does most of the cooking and i kniw he cares a lot about me. He's stepped it up with my kid and built a relationship with him too. He's the best partner ive ever had except for one thing: the sex has become lack luster, and 100% i know this happens in long term relationships, i have been in relationships for many years in the past. The issue is that he has somehow regressed, like he doesn't know how to initiate sex anymore. He just repeatedly pats my butt and thats the sign he's interested. Back in the day he would grab me and kiss me or even just ask. He also doesn't do anything for foreplay anymore. He almost never touches my body, only butt cheeks and on the rare occasion, boobs. He doesn't want to do oral anymore. He also doesn't really cuddle. He is laying there like a log and im spralwed on him. He has always struggled. He cant say "i love you" he can only say "love you" because its less emotional. He said that because he sees me everday and we're in eachothers space that his need for intimacy has decreased. He said that living together counts as intimacy for him. I am so confused and i feel physically and emotionally lonely. I am extremely attracted to him and i love him very much but i feel deprived of affection and touch. If he wont touch my body they i just live the rest of my life without getting to experience that? I am considering moving out to see if the distance makes him more interested. I am afraid he will want sex less and less until we just dont anymore. He doesn't watch porn that i know of, i have asked recently. My financial situation is very stressful and im sure that's not very sexy, but nothing significant happened. Its just gradually become less. What do i do? Do i let go of this relationship? I cannot imagine ever getting over it. He is who i want, however, i constantly feel like i must not be good enough and that's why this is happening.
The more you try to actively fix this, the more he'll withdraw. Having someone pressure you (even if that's not the word you would use for it) can turn you off sex to the extent that you start thinking you're completely asexual. You need to focus on other types of intimacy within the relationship that aren't physical, and not with the goal of eventually getting him to have sex with you, but simply to build a stronger connection for its own sake. You need to accept that sex is a part of your relationship that is over. It might come back, anything is possible, but don't count on it, and try not to hope for it because he'll be able to tell and it'll feel like pressure.
If that doesn't appeal, yes, breaking up is always an option.
Midnight Biscuits said:he couldn't figure out his emotions.
The emotional connection issue sounds like alexithymia - it can be improved with the help of a therapist using tools like the emotion wheel but it is worth knowing that he will always have to work harder to make this sort of connection even once he is able to do it.
Midnight Biscuits said:The issue is that he has somehow regressed, like he doesn't know how to initiate sex anymore.
Have there been situations where he indicated contact but you turned him down because of headache etc? I have known men who experienced a few "knockbacks" which have dented their confidence in it or they have gone over it so much in their head that they believe they are unwanted so stop trying.
I think it worth agreeing a mechanism where one or other of you can express an interest in a clear way, and a refusal is accepted but talked about. Remember that he may not "get" some refusals that you may think are intuitive, so a bit of clear talking is the way here.
If he has had any performance issues then this could also be denting his confidence - this can be tricky to get him to admit to but think about it and if this has happened then he may need a bit of "talking up" so to speak to rebuild the confidence.
Lastly on this front - relationships can get a bit stale after time and a common technique to bring some spice back is to have an agreed Date Night maybe once a week when a bit of effort is expected from each of you - scrubbing up, dressing smart, maybe flowers and a nice meal (possibly eating out) and going back to the early dating vibes.
Once every month or two an extra spicy date night can be planned where you each get to work through your fantasies, bring toys into play (and I'm not talking about a Baby Yoda here!), dressing up in bed or whatever you agree you want to try or love. Having that chance to try something new (and maybe never again in some cases), do your favourite kinks or just have a bonkathon while the kids are out can bring a spark back in a big way.
The key would be clear communication and planning - make sure both of you have tasks to make it work and if one party is dropping the ball repeatedly then you know there is a deeper issue that probably needs couples therapy.
That would be my approach anyway. Good luck.
I can only speak for myself. I get it I really do and this reminds me of myself. But it is almost like an "out of body experience". I have been with my wife for over 30 years, yes we have certainly had ups and downs. We were very sexually active, but I guess at times I feel like I had to be. I also masked a lot of feelings/actions and how I wanted to be and how others wanted me to be. I received a diagnosis in October 2023, which confirmed what I already know. However, once this information was known, to my wife and kids I then started to be who I wanted to be. My expression of emotions have never really been good, and was the same prior to being diagnosed and after. My wife has noticed a difference and I am not tactile at all, I never have been. My sexual feelings have not gone, but they are not at the forefront of my mind and I have difficulty in reading the signs. So what I can say is from my perspective of being autistic, it is not on purpose of the way I am or behave. I am not going off my wife, but my behaviour has changed and I am being more of myself. I think, as hard as it can be, being with a person with autism, I guess find ways, attend groups with him to understand and get inside his head, rather than trying to figure it out on your own. I consider myself complex and I give my wife hell, not because I want to, but it is how my brain works. I hope that's okay.