Published on 12, July, 2020
I have gone through talking therapy in the past and reflected on whether it was beneficial at all. In the short term it was good to have someone listen to me and feel better about myself for a while but then I had to quit when I felt it wasn't going anywhere. I also can't tell if they're being sincere or just pretending to be sympathetic because they're paid to.
I recently started again but now I'm not sure if I can continue. I'm also not comfortable disclosing my most personal issues anymore or having to tell my story again and again each time. I feel like a broken record.
I also feel I can't be myself in those sessions and I now avoid discussing my autism, past self-harm thoughts or sexual repression out of fear of being misunderstood or not taken seriously despite assurances of understanding or non-judgment.
I couldn't bear the uncertainty anymore. I couldn't wait 5 days to tell them. I left an email with my local Mind saying I can't continue with their counselling. Partly due to the agonising week between sessions and also I'm sick of being fed platitudes and cliches about "loving myself" and fake displays of empathy.
So call me a coward, rude, ungrateful, that I'm running away from my problems, I'm numb to the slings and arrows.
Wow, what sort of therapists are you and your friends seeing Iain? Weekly sessions are the absolute norm and if someones really working through some traumatic stuff they may need to be seen twice a week.
BS, who's doing most of the talking in your sessions, you or the therapist? I sad that you feel you're being fed platitudes and cliches, do you feel able to share an instance where you feel this has happened? I understand if you don't. Not getting on with a therapist is difficult, you do feel like you're running away, you maybe told you're running away, but there's no rule that says you have to bare your soul to someone who you don't respect. I wonder if respect is the key word here? It sounds very much like you feel unable to respect them, probably because you don't feel respected by them? I would find it hard to bare my soul to someone I didn' trespect, and I learned the hard way not to do so as ultimately I felt it did more harm that good.
Why the agony? Is it that you're desperate to tell someone whats going on for you? Or is it more a self fulfillling prophesy that says your hurt will be ignored, twisted and you'll be fed platitudes and cliches and that repeating your hurt to people that don't really honour it is another way of beating yourself up?
I feel I'm doing most of the talking, often trying to fill the awkward silence or jumping from one subject to another out of nervousness and there are some topics I want to open but I'm afraid they might be inappropriate, like how can I accept my sexual feelings or how can I stop being passive aggressive.
It's not that I don't respect therapists, it's that I don't respect myself. Having to wait weeks at a time feels like forever and I end up gaslighting myself or prematurely giving up and walking away when I feel I'm alone and on the edge of sanity.
I just want to say one thing. Don't see the silence as awkward. They are being paid for their time. If you want or need to sit in silence for however long, it's your right to do so. It's hard but you won't start to make progress if you don't open up. It is a leap. Autists struggle with communication, even when both parties are on the spectrum....unfortunately this is part of our difficulties. Of course you have to feel you are in the right space to be able to do this.