Published on 12, July, 2020
I, a 30 something male, have occasional longings for romantic connections. It's so stupid, I have never had friends let alone a girlfriend, and I know it's a lifelong endeavour of self development and discovery.
It is usually triggered by seeing couples walk along the street holding hands or hugging and being bombarded by media no matter how much I avoid it. It has also been a catalyst for my depression which I have since controlled with medication.
It's wrong of me to think about such things when I lack even the most basic friendship and socialising skills which come naturally to most people. I feel like I don't deserve to think about romantic love and I'm putting the cart before the horse. I'm usually content enough when I'm busy with my hobbies and errands.
To be clear, I have ASD Level 1, I have little sexual interest at most and I am always respectful of people. Also I decided long ago to never marry or have children.
Most advice says to quash those troublesome feelings and mind my own business, more so as a guy who is expected to be strong and free of weakness.
A lot of online advice falls back on cynicism and self help clichés, like I should love myself or that autistic men are undateable, etc.
Is it a weakness? Not unless it impacts your life negatively.
I would say it is a special interest if anything and something I have had at large parts of my life.
It helps to consider if they are something a partner would want to share - is it puting the cart before the horse? It will depend on the person I guess.
The fact you are treating it as a voyage of discovery is a positive thing in my opinion as it helps you find happiness in aspects of life.
Most advice says to quash those troublesome feelings and mind my own business,
Nah, quashing emotions is a sure fire way to build trauma further down the line.
My advice - unpack all your expectations and fantasies with a therapist as you may consider a lot of them unrealistic or poorly informed but you may also find aspects of yourself that are worth cherishing.
In todays relationship culture there is often a view that traditional male initiated romanticism is seen as cynical and manipulative toxicity - it can be hard to please all of the people all of the time, so understand it, own it and be authentic to yourself.
It may be worth thinking about getting yourself on some dating apps and get some dating experience - it may work for you if you sell your romantic personality and autistic quirks - who knows.
Iain said:It may be worth thinking about getting yourself on some dating apps and get some dating experience - it may work for you if you sell your romantic personality and autistic quirks
The last app I tried was Bumble. It was unpleasant and any likes I might have received were held to ransom behind a pay wall, at least £20 for a week's access, up from £15 two months ago.
Also the women were almost all single mothers looking for someone to fool around with, and I don't feel comfortable looking for anyone younger (28 years old is my minimum and 37 my maximum.)
They're also boring and each profile says the same like travelling, going to pubs, sports, none of which interest me.
I dabbled with non-binary for a lark and it was bedlam swiping through them.