Is having futile romantic longing a weakness?

Thank you, you summed it up exactly.

I dont think its stupid and i dont think you are wrong to feel like this. They are natural feelings and longings, but i do understand what you mean.  I sometimes think that i dont understand relationships, but would love that soul mate who would always be there for me and me for them. I struggle to get my head around the fact that 2 strangers choose to spend the rest of their lives togethor. Just because we nay lack sicial skills and friendships, diesnt exclude us from finding a romantic partner or companion.

Hopefully one day we will find it if thats what we want x

Iain said:

It may be worth thinking about getting yourself on some dating apps and get some dating experience - it may work for you if you sell your romantic personality and autistic quirks

The last app I tried was Bumble.  It was unpleasant and any likes I might have received were held to ransom behind a pay wall, at least £20 for a week's access, up from £15 two months ago.

Also the women were almost all single mothers looking for someone to fool around with, and I don't feel comfortable looking for anyone younger (28 years old is my minimum and 37 my maximum.)

They're also boring and each profile says the same like travelling, going to pubs, sports, none of which interest me.

I dabbled with non-binary for a lark and it was bedlam swiping through them.

Yes what is rude? I was rsponding to what another poster said about women changing their minds about what they want from men. Isn't liking animals more than people quite common and not just amoung autists, even NT's often prefer the company of their furry friends to that of other humans.

What's rude?  I stated I agreed with Catwoman's points about men and women's perceptions of each other and that I often like animals, especially dogs, more than people.

That sound a bit rude  

Why would it be a weakness?

It's a perfectly natural wish to have an intimate relationship with another. Of course being on the spectrum means that it'll always be potentially difficult but that in itself shouldn't prevent you from trying.

Hopefully you may meet someone who has compassion and understanding of the uniqueness that we bring to a relationship and you may also meet people who don't and the feeling of rejection can be painful but everyone meets rejection or feels it at times in their lives, not just us.

sorry, i meant must.

There is nothing wrong with desire.
Obtaining it sounds to Me where You struggle.
As other " posts " will state, self confidence is the Key.
You nust make Yourself Happy before it is possible to make somebody else Happy.

I don't know to be honest.

Do You think that this is where fantasy collides with reality ?
I know it has happened to Myself many times.

I guess I am grieving for the things I missed out on in my youth.

You can't help what You feel, even when it sure feels real.
It sounds as though You are grieving for the expectations that You have longed for.

Learn how to make friends. And then make friends. And it's not impossible that 1 of those friendships will develop into something more.

It's not stupid to have a longing for a romantic connection. You're being too hard on yourself. Think positive.

That's true, and vice versa.  I actually prefer animals to humans, though I like dogs more than cats.

A considerable body of great literature is devoted, at least in part, to futile romantic longing.

ExplodingHeads said:

lacking the strength and courage to change it.

Then do something about it. Start small - work on yourself to be the person you want to be.

Once you start to feel good about yourself you will grow and you can work on socialising with females and try to gague their reactions to you.

Research which dating apps have better reputations for long term relationships and for neurodivergent people and maybe start out there with low expectations. Use it to gain experience with dating and not really expecting to find a soul mate.

Learn to enjoy the company of women and I think you will find that when you stop trying so hard then you will come across as being authentic and will find someone who likes you for who you really are.

If you can learn to enjoy the journey it makes the whole experience so much nicer.

I find men change their tastes in women quite frequently or expect women to conform to a narrow and yet ever changing set of expectations.

I blame Hollywood personally for the idea of happy families and eternal romance, advertisers have taken it up showing shiney happy people and telling you you can be one too if only you buy their products and into the lifestyle that goes with them. It was something that made me very unhappy for a time in my 30's, all my friends happily partnered, weekends and bank holidays seemed to stretch into endless loneliness as everyone was to busy for me, unless it was to babysit. What was worse was that many of them seemed quite happy to have this single friend who was romantically unsuccessful, the backlash was astonishing when I did have a relationhip. 

Now I know relationships arn't for me, they're not good for me and presumably not for my partners either. I have come to terms with relating to animals more and better than I do to humans and that a cat has probably been the biggest love of my life, certainly the longest at just shy of 16 years. People go on about soul mates, if I have a human one then I'd probably have to go up the Amazon or somewhere you find rare and exotic species, but why does your soul mate have to be human?

I'll answer my own question by saying yes, it is a weakness, at least for me.  It seems like a mental illness when I keep tormenting myself over being chronically alone but lacking the strength and courage to change it.

I need to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

ExplodingHeads said:

I, a 30 something male, have occasional longings for romantic connections.  It's so stupid, I have never had friends let alone a girlfriend, and I know it's a lifelong endeavour of self development and discovery.

Is it a weakness? Not unless it impacts your life negatively.

I would say it is a special interest if anything and something I have had at large parts of my life.

It helps to consider if they are something a partner would want to share - is it puting the cart before the horse? It will depend on the person I guess.

The fact you are treating it as a voyage of discovery is a positive thing in my opinion as it helps you find happiness in aspects of life.

ExplodingHeads said:

Most advice says to quash those troublesome feelings and mind my own business,

Nah, quashing emotions is a sure fire way to build trauma further down the line.

My advice - unpack all your expectations and fantasies with a therapist as you may consider a lot of them unrealistic or poorly informed but you may also find aspects of yourself that are worth cherishing.

In todays relationship culture there is often a view that traditional male initiated romanticism is seen as cynical and manipulative toxicity - it can be hard to please all of the people all of the time, so understand it, own it and be authentic to yourself.

It may be worth thinking about getting yourself on some dating apps and get some dating experience - it may work for you if you sell your romantic personality and autistic quirks - who knows.