Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Anyone else have this problem? Or where your partner has this issue with you? I'm in my first serious relationship with a Polish girl, and therefore it's a long distance relationship. I've been to stay at her's twice now. She can be a bit 'needy' and craves touches and physical interaction. And going so far as wanting me to be jealous if someone else starts talking to her. Being 37 now (she's 29) and being diagnosed with autism back in 2017, I find all that are bit perplexing and childish? I'm not one for being jealous. And consider myself more of a realist. I know there's no danger of her being 'stolen' by anyone else. There's a guy who keeps professing his love for her and sends her messages every month or two. He's a bit obsessive. But he lives all the way in Australia and doesn't know where she lives anyway. And therefore, I'm not too concerned. It sounds like the guy needs to get over it and get some help, but I certainly don't feel jealous.
I also feel like I have more of a stronger attachment to my hobbies/passions and personal possessions than I do my girlfriend, which sounds bad. I also find it difficult to get attached to people now. In part because of being hurt and let down so often. Therefore find it difficult to be 'lovey-dovey'. It's just not me. And I show my love and affection in other ways, such as buying gifts etc. We kiss and cuddle, so that's never a problem either. I just feel as though I'm emotionally blind. I don't have those feelings of 'love' like I did once before. Last time was when I was 16. And that was to the point of being lovesick.
Anyone else have the same problem in their relationship?
Thanks
DustyShinigami said:I know there's no danger of her being 'stolen' by anyone else.
It sounds like she craves attention and if the right person comes along to offer this while you are away then the risk of you being wrong rises sharply.
I would say respect her wishes as far as you comfortably can do - taking her for granted will almost certainly result in her finding someone who does look after her well.
DustyShinigami said: also find it difficult to get attached to people now. In part because of being hurt and let down so often. Therefore find it difficult to be 'lovey-dovey'. It's just not me.
My wife would say that is just my excuse for being lazy in the same situation. Sometimes when the partner needs something and if isn't too hard to provide then it is worth doing to make them feel happy. It is called compromise.
DustyShinigami said:I just feel as though I'm emotionally blind. I don't have those feelings of 'love' like I did once before.
I would say this is an area for you to develop. You know you have the capacity to feel but have numbed yourself to it. Get some therapy and learn how to reconnect and feel authentic again. It isn't that expensive and the benefits are worth it I believe.
This is called the "working on the relationship" part - share it with your girlfriend and tell her you are working on it and she will probably love you all the more for making an effort to overcome such a trauma.
That sums up my advice - it isn't easy to make a relationship work long distance and even worse when there are neurodiverse partners with different issues. It takes effort, work and compromise, but it is worth it.
The rest is down to you.
She does crave attention. I think, at times, a bit too often. Already, my sister suggested a show on Netflix for my mum and me to watch, and I asked my gf if she'd seen it. She made the suggestion for us to watch it together. I said I was going to watch it with my mum and she's gone mardy and disappeared from the chat. Mentioning that she doesn't matter and she'll watch it alone etc.
But I don't worry that she'll seek attention from someone else. She says she loves me and only I matter. She doesn't have anyone else in her life. Neither do I, to be honest. I try not to take her for granted, and certainly not when I'm with her. But I do feel she needs to calm down and 'chill', if you know what I mean.
Also, sadly, therapy isn't easy to get around here. I was supposed to be getting some related to something else. I'm supposed to be on a waiting list, but I've heard nothing since.
We suspect she may even be on the spectrum herself, or at the very least, she most likely has ADHD.
Hey, thanks for the link. I've bookmarked that for as and when I have the cash spare. :)
And okay. I'll be sure to ask her at some point anyway. To find out how I fare in the 'care' department.
DustyShinigami said:Also, sadly, therapy isn't easy to get around here. I was supposed to be getting some related to something else. I'm supposed to be on a waiting list, but I've heard nothing since.
This is something you can get yourself if you have any disposable income. I pay about £50/hour for my therapist and they are worth their weight in gold for helping me see the worth of things that I tend to dismiss - much like yourself.
You can find one who can do the sessions online - loads of therapists advertise their services here (including mine):
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism
Hundreds of them out there but take time to find out if they have experience in the issues you want to talk about.
DustyShinigami said:But I don't worry that she'll seek attention from someone else
Speaking as one who has been there before - don't make this mistake. It really is taking her for granted and is a leading cause of break-ups because she probably doens't feel like you care enough.