More obsessed with special interests/hobbies than my girlfriend

I've spoken to her about the 'neediness'. And my concern that I might not be able to provide her with the attention she craves. It has led to a bit of a dispute this evening.  I'm a bit stuck at the moment. She believes the problem is on my side and that she didn't have any issues. Though I did ask if the attention I've given has been enough. She's said it's been 'fine' though does feel I'm not as invested in the relationship as she is. And I agree with her. Again, with it being long distance, it's tricky anyway. But I'm just not invested in others. And I have been called self-centred by someone in the past.  I'm so used to being on my own, being in my own company, and doing my own thing. But I think I would be sad if things ended. There have been plenty of positive aspects from being in this relationship. I certainly don't feel lonely anymore. Though she still does as she doesn't like her own company.

Same. I don't get the mindset at all. Her sister is terrible for it. Very controlling. Dictating on who their partner talks to and shares their social media account. Any other female has been blocked. 

Thanks for explaining that to me. I guess I've seen the controlling side of jealousy, and it has never looked very good to me. The whole neurotypical game of romance just seems very dramatic. But I hope that the OP finds a solution for the issue he's having.

Hullabaloo said:

It's weird that your girlfriend wants you to be jealous.

The "headology" behind this is that she probably thinks that because her partner is not that demonstrative of his affections that he may not care for her so she is using this technique to prove to herself that he actually does care.

With the partner being many countries away this form of confirmation is quite understandable - her ADHD may well make her question it more than most people.

It is a form of attempted manipulation but one that is widely accepted as part of the neurotypical "game" of romance.

When it moves beyone the "cry for help" stage and becomes the green eyed monster of jealousy where any interaction with a male is a threat then it has moved to the controlling stage and is much more of an issue.

I've been on both sides of it and it seems to me that when there is a power imbalance in the relationship then it is the one who cares more who tends to be the one who gets jealous.

I concentrate on my special interests. Luckily my partner does the same thing, and they concentrate on their special interests too, so the conversations we have together are always interesting. I just got my first guitar yesterday, and I've been profusely writing down notes on music theory for the past 4 days, that I barely ate anything. I am just so facinated with it. My partner saw my notebook, and it's just filled with diagrams, numbers, music notes, etc. They liked it a lot.

I don't usually feel jealous of other people, and neither does my partner. When I'm out by myself, people just leave me alone. I feel like a part of the background, and it's very peaceful. But when I'm out with my partner, the world becomes a complete different place. People just suddenly pop out of nowhere, to try and get my partner's attention. They walk into us, almost shoving me aside. They try to inch their way closer to my partner. They talk very loudly hoping that my partner hears them and takes notice of them. They give me cut eyes, a bad angry look, or a condescending look. I wonder what kind of world did I get transported into? It's unrecognizable to me!

It's weird that your girlfriend wants you to be jealous. Someone long ago told me that some girls want you to get jealous, because they believe that it means you care about them. Some of them will even test their partner, by trying to fabricate a situation, to try and make their partner jealous of them. I guess they like a guy who shows a lot of interest in them, that they don't want any other guy to have them. I don't really get that kind of mindset though. It sounds controlling. I've had a guy who would get jealous of their girlfriend a lot, and he and would interrogate her for hours about every single person she talked to that day, but come on. Half the population are males. It could be the bus driver, a retail clerk, a bank teller, etc. Encountering some random dude during some point of the day is just unavoidable, because everyone is working to earn a living. She's no longer with that guy, fortunately for her. But maybe some people enjoy that insane level of jealousy and control, but I still don't get it.

A wee wisdom to the wise: The last chap who called me 'needy' is now an x. 

Learning to be vulnerable and kind, respectful and to choose to act in ways in which the Other feels loved is the key to building something which lasts. This is not for the faint of heart. There will be times to be responsible toward the other, and it matters especially when we don't 'feel' like it. It takes effort. 

I'd highly recommend finding a copy of Erich Fromm's Art Of Loving. (if not just the excellent advice from Iain)

Looking at all my romantic relationships, the only things they have in common are that I changed to become more like the other person (masking/people-pleasing), I made the first move, the relationships all ended because they were not truthful. And one of them laughed at my dad. Maybe I'm just not good at picking the right ones.

Do you have a common interest? Often that is a good place to start, something you can be geeky about together. Sometimes people just want to be included in the minutiae of daily life that we see on social media...

Can you pretend to be just a little jealous about something not so important? Or is she too needy for you? Is there maybe a reason why she feels the need for you to protect her in this way?

Hey, thanks for the link. I've bookmarked that for as and when I have the cash spare. :)

And okay. I'll be sure to ask her at some point anyway. To find out how I fare in the 'care' department.

DustyShinigami said:

Also, sadly, therapy isn't easy to get around here. I was supposed to be getting some related to something else. I'm supposed to be on a waiting list, but I've heard nothing since.

This is something you can get yourself if you have any disposable income. I pay about £50/hour for my therapist and they are worth their weight in gold for helping me see the worth of things that I tend to dismiss - much like yourself.

You can find one who can do the sessions online - loads of therapists advertise their services here (including mine):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism

Hundreds of them out there but take time to find out if they have experience in the issues you want to talk about.

DustyShinigami said:

But I don't worry that she'll seek attention from someone else

Speaking as one who has been there before - don't make this mistake. It really is taking her for granted and is a leading cause of break-ups because she probably doens't feel like you care enough.

She does crave attention. I think, at times, a bit too often. Already, my sister suggested a show on Netflix for my mum and me to watch, and I asked my gf if she'd seen it. She made the suggestion for us to watch it together. I said I was going to watch it with my mum and she's gone mardy and disappeared from the chat. Mentioning that she doesn't matter and she'll watch it alone etc. 

But I don't worry that she'll seek attention from someone else. She says she loves me and only I matter. She doesn't have anyone else in her life. Neither do I, to be honest. I try not to take her for granted, and certainly not when I'm with her. But I do feel she needs to calm down and 'chill', if you know what I mean. 

Also, sadly, therapy isn't easy to get around here. I was supposed to be getting some related to something else. I'm supposed to be on a waiting list, but I've heard nothing since.

We suspect she may even be on the spectrum herself, or at the very least, she most likely has ADHD.

I also am more interested in my projects than in other people and cultivating relations with them. Mind, I like having people in my life but I seem to gravitate to introverts, other autistic people, other creatives and those who have no problem with autonomy, or who share my interests.

I love having friends and we have exchanges about our projects and things we are stoked about. Partners are always more problematic and I have been quick to snip ties when someone has no interests of their own. It feel more natural for me, having friends and everyone having their own life and coming together now and then.

I did try when i was younger, till I realized that when I did have partners I was always fantasizing that I was alone to get on with my own interests or with friends who shared them. I am also pretty ambivalent about sex and partners often want that as a major part of relating. I enjoy hugs at greetings and partings or at moments that seem fitting.

I think it's hard to trust when you've been hurt. I think it's worth remembering that love always feels different in every relationship you're in, I think people have a very Hollywood idea of love and romance, it's something I struggle with, I dont' give the right signals and I hate all that touchy feely stuff and kissing Urgh, saliva exchange!

Really good valuable advise! 

DustyShinigami said:

I know there's no danger of her being 'stolen' by anyone else.

It sounds like she craves attention and if the right person comes along to offer this while you are away then the risk of you being wrong rises sharply.

I would say respect her wishes as far as you comfortably can do - taking her for granted will almost certainly result in her finding someone who does look after her well.

DustyShinigami said:

also find it difficult to get attached to people now. In part because of being hurt and let down so often. Therefore find it difficult to be 'lovey-dovey'. It's just not me.

My wife would say that is just my excuse for being lazy in the same situation. Sometimes when the partner needs something and if isn't too hard to provide then it is worth doing to make them feel happy. It is called compromise.

DustyShinigami said:

I just feel as though I'm emotionally blind. I don't have those feelings of 'love' like I did once before.

I would say this is an area for you to develop. You know you have the capacity to feel but have numbed yourself to it. Get some therapy and learn how to reconnect and feel authentic again. It isn't that expensive and the benefits are worth it I believe.

This is called the "working on the relationship" part - share it with your girlfriend and tell her you are working on it and she will probably love you all the more for making an effort to overcome such a trauma.

That sums up my advice - it isn't easy to make a relationship work long distance and even worse when there are neurodiverse partners with different issues. It takes effort, work and compromise, but it is worth it.

The rest is down to you.