Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I was diagnosed autistic last October. Always known I was different. Spotted autism in partner’s dad and it fascinated me. Also experience of children as a teacher. More I read, more I realised I was on the spectrum and fairly certain my other half is. We’ve been married for more than 20 years. We don’t argue hugely. But all our arguments follow the same unhelpful pattern… Argue. I try to say what I think went wrong. I try not to blame and attempt to say how I feel, not criticise. Partner always sees criticism. Says I’m blaming him. Starts bringing in everything else that’s wrong in our relationship to then, often, point out I need to change. Dredges history. Says I can’t do this anymore. Gets overwhelmed (I think) and shuts down for a couple of days. I’ve learnt this pattern and know to accept it. I say I’m not blaming but trying to find a solution so it doesn’t happen again and I don’t care who’s at fault. I think he can’t get beyond needing to pinpoint who’s at fault and seeing it as me saying he’s to blame. Do you have tips for handling this as two, I’m sure, autistic adults?
Eg The latest is over partner continuing a conversation with my parents about politics. We have different views to them. We’ve discussed avoiding it and trying to steer away. I could see he was getting animated, enjoying the conversation, and kicked him gently under the table. He responded positively to that and laughed and said I know, we need to move on, or something similar. But the conversation swung round, including him saying God forbid if XYZ gets in. He then said, before we move on, I want to find out what you think about Israel. I have never done this before but was getting so stressed that I interrupted and said, no that’s enough, we need to change topic. I was shocked when he then said So I can’t talk about something I’m interested in? I said it’s not something I want to end our conversation on before we leave - he then agreed and dad changed subject to cars. I couldn’t think how to bring it up without it spiralling the same way but by the time I went to bed, he noticed something might be wrong. And it spiralled. As above! I haven’t bothered trying to force my point and he has not accepted that anything he did was wrong. Says my dad continued the conversation and I can’t dictate what he does and doesn’t talk about. I said I would rather see my parents on my own than have conversations like that. It’s not family conversation. He interpreted that as me telling him I don’t want him to visit my parents. I reiterated that’s not what I said.
What am I doing wrong? We enjoy lots of the same stuff, have similar values etc but he thinks he’s lucky that his dad’s gene missed him! I don’t need him to be diagnosed but I wish he would see some of his character traits. I haven’t said this to him. I feel like I’ve spent my adult life trying to understand mine and how to behave as an adult. I find it very difficult to express my thoughts in an argument. Last time we texted each other and I felt that was better. This time, I just can’t bear bringing it up again and we’re just 24 hours post argument and this one doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere.
Can anyone relate to this, ummm, rant! Sorry!
Hi. I'm new to this site, I've been looking for help/support/advice with dealing with a major fall out with my autistic friend, and this thread was very interesting to read. He is not my partner, we are not in a romantic relationship but we were (so I thought) close friends of sorts. I knew he is autistic but it's only from knowing him for a year that I've really begun to understand the complexities of what that actually means for him. I myself will be having an assessment very soon to determine if I am autistic as well, as yet it is undiagnosed.
I'm interested to know and understand from an autistic perspective, if a broken friendship can ever be repaired, once the trust has been broken. I suspect not. The level of trauma my friend experiences on an almost daily basis is big. I accidentally and unintentionally retraumatised him with a comment relating to how NT people might interpret his autistic behaviour - I know, WTF, right? I got it so wrong. Possibly due to me being too honest. Whatever, he understandbly felt criticised and he initially shut down, then over a period of a few months of overthinking he became totally overwhelmed to the point where he totally cut of any contact with me. I had apologised unreservedly and repeatedly said it's not his fault, he's done nothing wrong, etc and we were sorting of muddling along but I just kept on trying to justify myself rather than actually be a good support. He remained loyal and respectful and was trying hard, as was I for a long time. It all tapped into a seam of trauma that he was already carrying that was nothing to do with me but became attributed to me and my comments until we culminated in an emotionally reactive arguement over something else entirely, and caused him to shut me out completely. I understood that was his way of protecting himself, but I have felt so sad ever since, knowing he felt utterly betrayed by me and thinks I believe his autism is a problem, which is the total opposite to what I actually feel. I think that's why I find it so difficult to let go of, because he doesn't understand how much I actually value him and love him as the brilliant human being that he is.
NAS94209 said: I accidentally and unintentionally retraumatised him with a comment relating to how NT people might interpret his autistic behaviour
It depends on what you actually said I think - it sounds like it could be quite innocent and a massive overreaction from your friend and hence inreasonable or it could be nasty in which case it is entirely reasonable. Wihout that context is is hard to assess.
NAS94209 said:he understandbly felt criticised and he initially shut down, then over a period of a few months of overthinking he became totally overwhelmed
Unless you knew he was predisposed to this form of spiralling behaviour then it is not on you. We all say dumb things from time to time (I hold some impressive records!) but an unpredictable consequence of this magnitude should not be something to weigh on your shoulders.
NAS94209 said:It all tapped into a seam of trauma that he was already carrying that was nothing to do with me but became attributed to me and my comments
It sounds like you are being scapegoated for a major crime when you only committed a minor one (in relationship terms) - this is bad behaviour on your friends part in my opinion.
Because of the traumas most of us carry there is a risk of the odd unexploded mine in relationships.
If you can give us more detail on the original comment (minus specifics that could identify anyone) then it would help work out if you are just being exposed to an unreasonable response or not.
Thankyou for your helpful comments. The original comments from me that started it all off, was in response to him asking why men always accuse him of flirting with their girlfriends, when he's not. I can see now that I could have simply reflected that back to him to ask if he had any ideas on that, to see if he had any insights. Instead I gave him my ideas, based on my honest observations, which were not based in any malice what so ever but intended to provide information. I told him that an aspect of body language to do with prolonged eye contact may be interpreted as flirting. I know he was not aware he was even doing that, so is innocent, and had no intention of illiciting that response in people. But it really freaked him out, he felt that I had done the classic NT thing of criticising autistic behaviour, and he felt betrayed by me. He actually said, he didn't mind other people whom he didn't care about saying that but for me to say it completely pulled the rug from under him. That was 5 months ago. It's been 2 months now since he broke all contact with me.
NAS94209 said:in response to him asking why men always accuse him of flirting with their girlfriends
so he asked the question above
NAS94209 said:I told him that an aspect of body language to do with prolonged eye contact may be interpreted as flirting.
You gave an honest answer.
NAS94209 said:He actually said, he didn't mind other people whom he didn't care about saying that but for me to say it completely pulled the rug from under him.
No, it sounds very much like he is trying to guilt trip you over his hypersensitivity to criticism.
You did nothing wrong so please don't put the blame on yourself. This is just one of those unexploded mines that come with life - baggage some call it.
I think you may actually be better off without him when he has such extreme reactions to minor things and it would mean having to be walking on eggshells around him.
He will need to deal with his issues on his own (probably through therapy if willing) otherwise this problem will repeat with other friends too.